AJnet Archives: Let’s Make the World a More Interesting Place (Unfinished article)

This month in the AJnet Archives: An unfinished article!

In the 17 years that this site has existed, I’ve written tons of articles. As I’ve said before, I had to go back and edit some of them for content, while others I had to pull from the site altogether because they were unsalvageable.

What I haven’t really talked about though are the articles that I’ve started but never finished.

Pre-2017, this site was made in Adobe Dreamweaver. I would make a template using Dreamweaver’s GUI, then apply it to new pages and write the articles that way. It was a pain in the ass, especially when I decided I wanted to change layouts. I’d have to go and manually update every single article one by one. While the site didn’t update anywhere near as frequently as it does today (seriously, I love having other writers onboard), it still meant updating a couple hundred pages manually. WordPress has many flaws, but it definitely makes life easier, and I’m glad I made the switch. I’d like to do an AJnet Archives article about the old layouts, but the Dreamweaver pages don’t display properly, and it’s going to be a lot of work to fix them, so don’t hold your breath.

Anyway, because of this ass-backwards way of doing things, this also means that I have a bunch of articles that I started work on but never finished for various reasons (writer’s block, booze, girls, laziness). Some of them are as short as a few lines, but others were written just enough that I think I can share them here.

Today’s unfinished article was started way back in August of 2011, and was titled “Let’s Make the World a More Interesting Place“. It was basically a list of childish pranks I would play out of boredom. This was the kind of shit me and my friends would get up to when we were drunk and/or high:

 


Let’s Make the World a More Interesting Place

Our world is a really boring place to live in. Every day, it’s the same thing. We wake up, go to work, eat, hang out with our friends, have sex or jerk off, then go to sleep, only to wake up and repeat the same process the next day. Once in a while we do something different, like have off of work, party, have sex with a different person, stay in, or go somewhere to eat.

Turn on the news, and it’s guaranteed to be the same bullshit all the fucking time. War, disaster, celebrities, death, destruction, inane fluff pieces. And it’s always the same repetitive kinds of events. “Bumfuckinstan threatens war against Assramistan.” “Some popular Muslim in the Middle East calls for a jihad against a western country.” “Natural disaster leaves high number of people in a region in an inconvenient situation.” “Some stupid whore got drunk and did something stupid.” “An overpaid asshole made a controversial comment that someone took offense to.” “Another overpaid asshole checks into rehab.” “A man shot another man.” “Bomb goes off in an area and injures several people.” “Check out this video we found on the internet!”

YAWN. Where’s the variety? Where’s the randomness? I’m tired of this trite and predictable performance that we call existence. Most people who come to this conclusion simply commit suicide like the pussies they are, but not me. Instead of whining about how boring everything is, I’m doing my part to make the world a much more interesting place to live in.

Unfortunately, I can’t do it alone. That’s why I’m calling on you, the reader, to help me. Let’s inject a shot of unpredictability into the lives of others. Here are some things you can do to make the world suck a little less.

1. Random Phone Calls

Kids today don’t know how to make prank calls. To them, a prank call is calling a pre-chosen target that they already know and screaming stupid insults into the phone while poorly disguising their voice. The target usually just hangs up and forgets about the call in an hour or so. Another popular method is to string businesses along for 10 to 15 minutes with inane questions and complaints. What a waste of fucking time just for a couple of cheap laughs.

A good prank call consists of more than just yelling at someone then hanging up on them, and it never should drag on for over 5 minutes. EVER. Unless you’re this guy, and even then you’re still pushing it. The best prank call is short and sweet while still fucking with the mind of the target.

It’s both boring and stupid to prank call people you know, so either get out a phone book or start dialing random numbers. Be prepared to hear a lot of “The number you have dialed is not in service”. It gets annoying, but don’t let it dissuade you.

As for what you should say, be random, weird, and nonsensical. This one time, I called a shitload of non-working numbers before finally getting one that worked. When the lady picked up, I said “Holy shit, this number actually works!” She expressed confusion, so I told her exactly what was up. “M’am, I’ve been making prank calls, and you’re the first person to actually pick up in like 20 minutes, so I’m not going to fuck with you. Have a great night.” I then hung up on her, and probably left her wondering what the fuck just happened. There was another time where I was calling people up and asking “Is this the Krusty Krab?” I called like 5 numbers in a row where the person on the other end needed me to repeat myself more than twice. So when the 6th person did the same thing, I dropped the joke and yelled at them. “Jesus Christ, are all of you people fucking deaf or something? You’re like the 6th person in a fucking row who can’t hear me!” Then I hung up on them. One time I called the operator and asked for the date. When she said it was 2010, I yelled “2010? Holy shit, I’ve gone back too far!”, then hung up. Your goal is to leave the person confused and weirded (NOT creeped) out

Another thing you can do is psych the person out. Make generic references to problems. I like to call people up and tell them “Things will work out, I promise,” then hang up before they can reply. Almost every person alive has some kind of concern about something in their life at any given moment, but nobody realizes that because humans are selfish assholes.

Also, take note that in all four examples I provided, I hung up on the person I called. YOU are the one in control of the call, not the victim. And never call the same number over and over. For one, it’s just lame, and two, some people take this shit seriously to the point where they will go out of their way to get you in trouble for it, and them receiving multiple calls from the same number will back up their case. Blocking your number does not work at their provider’s level. I’ve seen it happen before. I’ve also had somebody somehow unblock my number and retaliate against me. To this day I still don’t know how they did it. If you ever fuck up and get a call-back, the best way to attempt to diffuse the situation is to say that you thought you were pranking a friend and you got a wrong number. Apologize profusely. Remember though, you’re liable to get ignorant assholes who are too stupid to believe your lie or give a fuck either way (“You’re damn fucking right you got a wrong number motherfucker!”)

One more thing. Never, under any circumstance, leave an obscene message on an answering machine or voicemail. EVER. You’re basically leaving your fingerprints at a crime scene. I guess a message is okay if you’re leaving something hilarious that could be interpreted as a wrong number or mistake, but I’d still advise against it, since like I said, some people take this shit seriously. Again, if you ever get caught, refer back to the “I thought I was calling my friend” line.

2. Mail random people random things.

This is kind of like the random phone call thing, but with mail. Look in the phonebook, pick a name and address, and send them something random. For example, a Christmas card in the middle of June, or a random birthday card. Don’t be a dipshit and send them threatening or obscene stuff. You’re not out to scare people or cause them harm, just make them go “What the fuck?!” Besides, you don’t want to do Federal time over a prank.

3. When buying off of sites like eBay, leave strange feedback and reviews.

I actually got this idea from an xkcd comic. When you order something off of eBay or a similar marketplace-style site, leave strange feedback, like “Opened package and was attacked by a rabid raccoon.” Like I did here:

Be creative. “Instead of computer monitor, received Donald Trump blow up doll o_O.” As with everything else, you want make people go “What the fuck?”, in this case the people browsing the reviews. If you don’t want to tarnish the seller’s reputation with a negative feedback, you can just mark the feedback as positive and leave your comment, confusing readers even further.

4. Make bogus “Lost Pet” posters

Make up some “Lost Pet” posters, and put them up in public places.

How will this confuse people you ask? Like this:


Like how? I honestly have no idea. For whatever reason I gave up on the article before I could include the explanation. I’m guessing it was going to be a picture of a fake “Lost Pet” poster I made, but I’m not sure what it would have said.

I don’t have any saved copies of any of the posters I made, probably because they were stupid. I’m pretty sure there was one for an alligator named Alan. The one in particular that I remember most was a “Lost Dog” poster that had a picture of someone I knew with their dog, and at first glance looked like it would be for the dog. But as you read it, it became obvious that it was for the human and not the dog. It was probably the only remotely clever or funny one we made.

I could have probably written several articles about the various prank calls we made over the years (I did write one, about our campaign against Checkers/Rally’s), and I kind of wish I did. I’m not going to hijack this article to tell those stories, but maybe I’ll write another article in the future. They’re honestly pretty funny. I was basically a telephone terrorist.

The mailing Christmas cards to random people during random months thing started when we were cleaning out someone’s garage and found a couple unopened packs of Christmas cards. We decided to utilize the White Pages (Readers 25 and under: We used to have these things called “phone books” that had names, phone numbers, and addresses listed in them; White Pages was the most popular one) and get names and addresses to send the cards to. We bought some stamps and sent a bunch of the Christmas cards out in the middle of June to completely random people.

The eBay feedback has a slightly interesting backstory. The person whose profile I left that feedback on was actually the infamous Chris-Chan (if you don’t know who that is, Google it and be prepared to lose hours of your life). I didn’t actually buy the remote control from him. I found the listing on his eBay account and became the highest bidder on it using a bogus account. Originally eBay users had to wait a week from the purchase date to leave feedback, so I got around this by messaging him and asking if I could wait a week to complete the transaction on my end since it was Christmas at the time. Chris agreed, and a week later I left this feedback. I’ve since stopped screwing with people’s ratings on eBay, but every now and then I’ll leave some “creative” feedback on Amazon or Yelp.

All in all, I kind of wish I had finished this article, because I definitely think a lot of people would have liked it, and I may have even inspired some people to do some of this crazy shit. Maybe one day I’ll write an updated version, but for now this article will remain unfinished in the AJnet Archives.

I’ll probably be including more unfinished articles in future AJnet Archives posts, as well as some of the less offensive articles that I pulled. I don’t want this feature to just be me reposting old articles though, so I’m thinking next month’s jaunt into the Archives will be old logos for the site. I’m also open to requests from readers new and old, if there’s any aspect of the site’s history you’d like me to write about feel free to leave me a comment or email me and I’ll consider it for a future AJnet Archives article.

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By Angry_Jerk

The CEO/Editor-in-chief of AJnet, and the current king of internet ranting. Hailing from the fine village of Northeast Philadelphia, AJ has been creating content on the internet for over 15 years. None of it has really been funny or entertaining, but he keeps trying anyway. When he’s not creating new articles for the site, he can be found hitting the weights, watching anime, or playing retro video games.