Why am I even writing this?
So I’m reading the new Harry Potter book. I won’t ruin the ending for you, except that Voldemort dies when his own killing curse rebounds back at him. Also, Ron’s brother Fred dies, and the owl dies, and Snape dies, and Harry and Ginny get married and have three kids. Oh, and Ron and Hermione get married and have two kids. But like I said, I won’t ruin the ending for you. I was a bit disappointed really. I had expected some ultra-awesome ending, where the wizards conquer the Muggles. Then, al-Qaeda blows up a nuke in Hogwarts, and the Minister of Magic declares Martial Law. Using his newly passed Executive Order (a law the Minister of Magic can pass without Wizard Parliament’s approval), he declares himself the supreme ruler of all wizards, witches, and Muggles in the UK. The American President of Magic follows suit, and soon the entire Western-er, wizarding world is a fascist dictatorship led by a bunch of greedy cronies. All wizards and witches who disagree with his policy are thrown in Azkaban. Harry Potter forms a resistance movement, but it is useless. Then, Jesus comes back and smites everyone for worshipping Satan.
So the other day at work, this lady comes to our restaurant at like 6 PM looking to sit down and eat. We close at 5 PM. We even have a sign on our front door that says this. This lady takes a look at the sign, then tries to get in anyway. I try to tell her we’re closed, but she just stands there rattling at the doors. My boss is upstairs in his office, and I’m stuck down here, armed with nothing but a mop while this psycho is trying her best to get in. We have two sets of front doors. There’s the first set that you go through to come off the street, then you go through a second set. I open the second set, and tell her loudly and clearly through the first set “We’re closed.” She starts squawking at me like a fucking parrot: “YOU GUYS USED TO BE OPEN UNTIL 9! YOU’RE LYING!” I began to debate in my head whether or not this lady had mental problems, or if she was just plain stupid. But her squawking drowned that out. My boss came down to see what all the commotion was. He saw this bitch, and said “OH NOEZ! ITZ J00!” Yes, my boss speaks l33t speak in real life. The lady kept shaking at the door, and it eventually came loose, and opened. “OMG WTF HAX!” my boss yelled. The lady had breached the first layer of security! My boss and I retreated back into the restaurant floor. We locked the second layer of doors. “Sir, we need to call for backup!” I yelled over the lady’s squawking. “NO WAI D00D!” he replied, “TH1S 1Z MY F1GHT!!!!!” She broke through the second layer, and yelled “1M 1N UR B4SE, K1LL1N UR D00DZ!” “Oh shit!” I yelled. I ran into the kitchen, and watched my boss battle it out with the lady. He pulled out a laser rifle, and she pulled out a light saber. He fired the laser rifle, and she would block it with the light saber. She used her Jedi powers to throw chairs at my boss. “Sir!” I yelled. But he dodged the chairs with his lightning-fast reflexes. He turned to me. “AJ, T4K3 C0V3R!” He reached under the counter, and pulled out the meanest gun ever made: the BFG-9000, straight out of Doom. “OMG J00 HAX0R!” the lady yelled. My boss pulled the trigger, and a blast of light filled the room, followed by a huge explosion. I peeked out of the kitchen door, and my boss was standing in the middle of a huge crater. “Um, sir? Who was that lady?” I asked. “SH3 WUZ MY S1ST3R! SH3 FLAM3D M3 ON T3H D00M F0RUMZ, S0 I PWN3D H3R IRL!” It was then that I realized that the internet really IS serious business.