Sobriety: Not even once.
People always ask me things like “Frosty, why do you drink so much anyway?”, and “Frosty, when are you gonna go out and get yourself a job?”.
First of all, I have a job, thank you very much! I write articles for AJ’s website, so put that in your mug and drink it, mom!
Second of all, I drink so much because I have to!
You might not know this (or anything else) about me, but way back in 2017 I went sober for an entire year. The result? A lot of angry people, and a court order to remain intoxicated at all times!
Now you might be saying, “Wow, a court order to be drunk all the time? I don’t believe that! You’re lying Frosty!” Well I’m NOT! The judge said the world is a safer place when I’m drunk, and he even assigned three police officers to perform random sobriety tests to make sure that I maintain a BAC of no less than 0.10%. And boy are those guys ball breakers! Just the other week my BAC was only 0.08, and they made me chug a whole six pack!
You probably want to know how it came to this, how Frosty Mugg became the first and only person in the history of the entire world to be legally required to be drunk at all times. Like all good stories, this one starts with a bar, a beer, and a bet.
The time? 8:13 PM. The date? November 24th, 2016. The place? Yellowz Bar and Grill. The occasion? My best friend Slim’s 29th Birthday Bonanza!
Enter Frosty Mugg and his best friend Slim, stage left (or maybe stage right, my memory’s not THAT good!).
I had just finished writing an article for my website, ImFeelingFrosty.com (which I no longer own so DON’T go there ever!!), Slim had just finished being 28, and we were ready to turn it up! Our other good friends Juan (YES, that IS Señor Juan!), Alex, and Peter were supposed to arrive later, but our friend Edwin was already there waiting for us.
“Hey faggots, over here!”
AJ says that our lawyer has advised me to clarify here that Edwin is gay, and that he likes using the word “faggot” because he wants to take it back from homophobic people. He says it’s kind of like black people using the word “ni- (NOTE FROM AJ: Don’t you fucking dare, Frosty…)
Edwin was standing by the juke box sipping on his usual Gin and Goose (Tanqueray gin and Grey Goose vodka with tonic water and a splash of fruit juice). Slim went over to the bar to get our beers, and I went over to Edwin.
“EDDIE SPAGHETTI! How’s the restaurant business?”
If you’re from Philadelphia, you may know of the legendary chef known as “Flamin’ Ed”. If you don’t know who he is, then you’re not really from Philly! Flamin’ Ed is as much of a household name as the Eagles or the Phillies in this city!
Well my friend Edwin is none other than Flamin’ Ed himself!
“It’s fucking great Frosty! Living the motherfucking dream!”
In addition to being gay, Edwin also curses a lot. I mean, A LOT. I think it’s because of his job. Gordon Ramsay curses a lot too so it must be a chef thing.
Slim came back with our beers and another Gin and Goose for Edwin.
“Drinks are on me tonight guys!”
If I had a time machine I’d go back in time and find the guy who invented beer then buy him a round. After that, I’d go back to this moment and warn Slim not to buy us all drinks that night. I’d also warn Slim about his impending death on November 26th, 2020. I miss you so much Slim you fat crazy son of a bitch.
I’m not crying, YOU’RE crying!
It was this first round of drinks that led to the chaos that unfolded in the coming year.
As we grabbed a table, I stumbled on the uneven floor. Edwin laughed at me.
“What’s the matter Frosty, already drunk?”
As if the six pack I had before I went out was enough to get me drunk! Ol’ Frosty’s no lightweight folks, and I told Edwin that. Edwin laughed again.
“Frosty’s a one-beer queer!”
Slim joined in laughing. Awww Slim, don’t do me like that! I wasn’t going to take this lying down though.
“Edwin, you’re an asshole!”
Edwin and Slim kept laughing. I noticed Juan, Alex, and Peter walk in. I called out to them, and soon enough they were seated with us and knocking back drinks on Slim’s dime. After two more beers, I went to reach for some pretzels and accidentally knocked my beer over. Edwin completely lost it at this.
“HAHAHA WOW FROSTY! You really can’t handle your booze!”
Enough was enough! Frosty Mugg is no pushover!
“Oh yeah Edwin? I can drink more than you!”
If I had known that I was going to eat those words, I’d have asked the waitress for a beer to wash them down.
Edwin laughed boisterously.
“You’re on Frosty!”
And with that, the gears were set in motion for the worst year of my entire life!
Read Part 2 of Frosty’s Sober Saga!