Jack Reacher is a total BADASS!

Hey there Muggheads! Pour yourself a cold one and get ready to give a toast, because I’m about to tell all of you all about an awesome and amazing monolith of a man!

That man is Jack Reacher!

Who is Jack Reacher, you ask? Who are you? I know who you are! You’re NOBODY next to Jack Reacher!

Jack Reacher is so badass that he doesn’t even need his first name. That’s why everyone just calls him “Reacher”. Even his own mom. I wish my mom would call me “Mugg” instead of things like “Worthless Alcoholic”, “Unemployed Loser”, and “Crazy Degenerate”! Reacher had an older brother named Joe, but Jack was the only one called “Reacher”. I bet Joe felt like a jerk next to his little brother!

So the series begins when Reacher comes riding into a Georgia town called Margrave on a Greyhound bus. The big man’s worked up a big appetite, so he walks to a diner to get some peach pie. But before he can eat that pie some stupid cops arrest him for a murder he didn’t do. They take Reacher down to the station, and that’s when he meets his best friends Detective Finlay and Officer Roscoe.

Then Reacher goes to jail and the guard says he’s gonna do a cavity search and tells Reacher to bend over. Reacher doesn’t see a valid dentist license anywhere in that room, so he knows something’s not right. He looks that guard right in the eyes and says “No.” And the guard pees his pants and tries to get some guys to kill Reacher and his other friend Hubble, but Reacher says “No” and beats the crap out of them! Whenever Reacher says “No” then you know some serious shit’s about to go down, and so are some bad guys (and girls, AJ says we don’t discriminate here at AJnet)!

One time I went to the bar and accidentally spilled a beer. Accidents happen because nobody’s perfect! But the bouncer didn’t care. He told me I was flagged and had to leave. I told him no just like my hero Reacher. That meathead bouncer beat the crap out of me! If I was Reacher though he wouldn’t have beat the crap out of me, because I’d be six foot five and full of muscles! I’d look that stupid bouncer right in his eyes and I’d say “No.” Then the bouncer would apologize and buy me an apology beer (unlike a certain JANET who doesn’t even know what an apology beer is!!)

The rest of the series is just Reacher beating everybody else up because he’s a badass. When things get rough he don’t take no guff over no stuff because he’s so damn buff!

Even though he’s a mountain of a man, Reacher doesn’t actually need to eat! Every time we see him eat, he takes one bite of his food and then leaves to go kick someone’s ass. He doesn’t have time to eat because he’s so busy dishing out ass-whoopin’s and feeding other people knuckle sandwiches! I heard that whenever Reacher gets hungry he punches himself in the stomach and the hunger stops.

He doesn’t like wearing shirts either. And you know what, I can’t blame the guy! If I was a giant stud I wouldn’t wear shirts either. One time I went to the bar with my friend Alex and I accidentally spilled beer on my shirt, so I took it off. Some JERK bouncer told me that I had to put my shirt back on because nobody wanted to see me without one. If they don’t want to see it then maybe they shouldn’t look at it! If I looked like Reacher then nobody would tell me to wear a shirt because I would look like a giant hunk of man meat and everyone would want to look at me! And I bet Janet would suddenly know what an apology beer is too!

Remember that cold one I told you to pour at the beginning of this article? It’s time to raise it in honor of Jack Reacher, the manliest man to ever be a man on TV! Here’s to you, Jack Reacher, and here’s to your badass show!

You can watch Reacher on Plex!

Editor’s note: You can actually watch Reacher on Amazon Prime.

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By Frosty Mugg

Frosty is a reckless idiot, a dirty lech, and a drunk bastard. When he’s not sitting on a bar stool pounding down one beer after another, he’s usually making poor decisions during moments of drunken impulsiveness. Due to an incident involving a college girl, Buddhist monks, and a trip across Eastern Europe, the Middle East, and Asia, Frosty is legally required to be intoxicated at all times. He resides in the city of Philadelphia, and is very much single, ladies.