Hey ladies, do you find yourself wondering “Why can’t I find a man!”? Then read this!
1. You’re too overbearing!
Ladies, you don’t have to be with your man ALL THE TIME!
Sometimes the only company a man wants is the comfort of a crisp cold beer. Don’t kill his buzz by texting him over and over about boring stuff like sex or dinner plans! If a man wants to talk to you, guess what, HE’LL TALK TO YOU! Men aren’t stupid, we know how to talk! Except for my neighbor. I say hi to him every morning and he never says hi back.
And you know what, sometimes a guy, due to circumstances beyond his control, is MANDATED BY A COURT RULING to drink that crisp cold beer! I even wrote ten whole articles about it (Read Part 1 of “Frosty’s Sober Saga here. ~Editor), get off my case and get me another case!
2. You don’t return his calls and texts!
Remember I said men aren’t stupid and if we want to talk to you we’ll talk to you? Well now we want to talk so where are you, Scooby Doo?
I don’t understand women. They text me all the live long day then when I finally decide to text them back that night they don’t respond! So you call them and they STILL don’t answer! One time there was this woman named Janet who kept texting me all day about going to see a movie. I was busy drinking and I forgot to answer her. When the bar closed that night I finally remembered to text her but she didn’t answer. What the hell! And if that wasn’t bad enough the next morning she texted me and said sorry she was sleeping because she had work in the morning. I have work in the morning too but you won’t catch ME making SAD excuses for being RUDE to people!
3. You accidentally gave him the wrong number!
Guys, how many times have you asked a girl for her number and she gives it to you, then you get home and call her and it’s not her number?
Just last week I met a beautiful woman at the bar, I think her name was Janet? I asked her for her number and she gave it to me, but then I texted her and it wasn’t the right number. Women can be so ditzy sometimes! Lucky for Janet she left her phone at the table when she went outside for a smoke so I was able to put my number into her phone and call myself so we’d have each other’s numbers.
That was some great thinking by yours truly! I think I’m going to grab another beer, I’ve definitely earned it!
4. You think cars are more important than TRUE LOVE!
I love a woman with a car, she can go very far, and she can pick me up from the bar!
I’m not allowed to drive. The last time ol’ Frosty got behind the wheel of an automobile I got into a heaping helping of trouble! As it turns out just because I’m legally required to be intoxicated at all times doesn’t mean I’m allowed to drink and drive. As it also turns out you need a license to drive a car, so that didn’t help my case when I got pulled over while driving to get another case. I say if you don’t like the way I drive then stay off the damn sidewalk! But the police and the judge didn’t see it my way so they slapped me with a $500 fine and told me to hit the highway. Janet wouldn’t ANSWER HER DAMN PHONE!!!! So I had to hit the highway on foot!
‘sides, drinking and driving ISN’T cool. If you drink and drive you risk spilling your beer, and that’s alcohol abuse!
Women don’t understand this and instead they’d rather judge men who can’t drive. Sorry for being a LAW ABIDING CITIZEN JANET!!
5. You don’t drink enough!
Cindi Lauper said “Girls just wanna have fun”. Cindi Lauper is a LIAR! When I wanna have fun I drink a beer! According to someone (who’s name rhymes with “Planet”!!) I drink too much beer! WEE WOO WEE WOO HERE COMES THE FUN POLICE! Sorry Officer Killjoy, guess I was having too much fun!
What do girls do for fun then if they don’t drink beer? I’ll tell you what they do! They complain about men drinking too much beer! Then they complain they can’t find a man!
Ladies, instead of COMPLAINING SO MUCH you should have a few beers. Then you’ll see how great of a man I really am!
6. You leave them for Cambodia!
This one’s about Chantou instead of Janet (who still sucks!!!). Why did you leave me Chantou? I still miss you, come back!
7. You’re too shallow!
Pobody’s nerfect. I saw that on a shirt once so it’s definitely true!
That means nobody’s Brad Pitt! Except for Brad Pitt I guess. But I’m not Brad Pitt and you’re not Angelina Jolie so LOWER your damn standards! I’m not perfect! Ol’ Frosty’s got flaws, and boy (and girl!!) does he have lots of ’em!
Accept me for who I am, warts and all! I don’t actually have warts either, that was just a figure of speech. Don’t judge me! I was already judged by the judge who said I have to always be drunk because otherwise I become a “violent lunatic”! What a judgemental JERK that guy was!
8. You’re too fat!
They say bones are for dogs, so throw this dog a bone and lose some weight and maybe this dog will throw you his bone!
I drink too much? Well I have to because you look like a COW! If I had a car I’d have a bumper sticker that says “No fat chicks!”
So if you wanna find a man maybe it’s time to look in the mirror and step on the scale and LOSE SOME DAMN WEIGHT! Big ISN’T beautiful, Janet! Only fat girls say that!
9. You let your friends think for you!
Every woman is strong and independent. That is, until their friends tell them they’re dating a “loser”! Then they dump the man and go out with their friends where they all complain about not being able to find a man. Go figure!
10. You think you’re too good for him!
Just because you’re the receptionist at the doctor’s office doesn’t make you any better than me! I have a real job too you know (despite what MY MOM says!!), I’m a writer! I’m writing this ARTICLE right now, right? Ipso facto Frosty Mugg is a writer!
Are you too good to date a writer? If Stephen King came up to you and said “Hey baby let’s go on a date” would you say “Sorry Mr. King, I just don’t think this is going to work out because you drink too much and my friends think you’re a loser”? NO, you WOULDN’T!
11. Fuck you Janet!
I can’t believe you DUMPED me! If anything I should have been the one to dump YOU fatty! I hate you so much Janet, I hate you forever and ever! Don’t ever speak to me again!
12. I’m sorry Janet, I didn’t really mean that!
You know what, I had another drink and another think and I realized that maybe there’s a small chance I went slightly overboard with that last one. I really think we still have something here Janet, let’s talk about this!
13. Janet please call me, I miss you so much!
I’m calling and texting, why aren’t you answering me?
Oh I get it, you’re at Out of Wack Mack’s and they probably don’t have good reception there! You probably had to go outside to post that selfie to Instagram. It’s okay, I understand. I’ll give you your space and let you reply when you’re ready! Frosty’s no creepo!
14. Hey Juan, I need a ride!
Juan if you’re reading this can you drive me to Out of Wack Mack’s? I’ll buy you Corona!