Hola amigos! Señor Juan has returned with more advice!

Three years pass since last time Juan give advice on AJ website. AJ tell Juan no give advice anymore because he no want to hear other gringos tell him Juan no real and AJ racist. Juan sad but he understand and continue to work with AJ behind scene.

One day AJ get really angry and say he no care what other gringos think anymore, he just want to write. AJ sit at computer and start writing many new article. Juan see opportunity so Juan ask AJ if he give advice again. AJ ask Juan if Pope go poop in woods. Juan not sure what Pope and poop have to do with giving advice but Juan go check email and see he have mucho email from mucho people who have problem and need Juan advice.

Juan have so many to choose from but Juan pick one from woman who work in office and keep getting food she no want.

Dear Juan,

I work in an office with a bunch of other women. Last December we all decided that we wanted to try to eat better and lose some weight. Instead of ordering out for lunch every day we began packing our own meals. We were losing weight and saving money too!

Everything was going great until February when one of our coworkers, Beth, started bringing in home-made sweets every Friday. Cookies, cakes, pies, things like that. We were okay with this, since it was only once a week and there’s nothing wrong with a cheat day. Plus the snacks were delicious!

Then one week, Beth started bringing in snacks every day. At first we refused, but slowly one by one all my coworkers fell back into their old habits. Before you knew it there was an almost endless parade of junk food going through the office every day.

I held out longer than the rest. When Beth asked why I wasn’t eating any of her food, I politely informed her that I was on a diet. Boy did she not like that! Her responses started out polite. Things like “You’re not fat, you don’t need to go on a diet girl!”, or “Come on, just one won’t hurt you!” Eventually this turned into “What, you don’t like my baking?” and “Oh my god Anna just eat the damn cookies!” I just brushed her off. I wasn’t going to let this witch win!

Yesterday when I stepped away from my desk, I returned to find a big piece of chocolate cake sitting there. I promptly picked it up and walked it right over to Beth’s desk, firmly telling her that I didn’t want any cakes, cookies, pies, donuts, or any junk food, and that she needed to stop offering it to me. Several of my coworkers later told me I was overreacting, I was being mean, I hurt Beth’s feelings, she put her heart and soul into her baking and I won’t eat it because I have a body complex. Basically they told me that I was in the wrong and that I should just join them in eating junk food.

This morning I came in to find a small plate of cookies waiting for me. I lost it. I grabbed the plate of cookies, stormed over to Beth’s desk, slammed them down in front of her, and let her have it! I went off on her, telling her that I was on a diet, that she needed to respect that, that I was tired of telling her to stop giving me junk food, and that the next time I was going to just throw it right in the trash. Beth ran off to the bathroom crying, and an hour later I was brought into my boss’s office and told I was wrong for yelling at her. I tried to explain my side, but my boss didn’t seem to care (Beth always gives her food too). I was warned that if I had another outburst I’ll be fired. Now I dread going in tomorrow, because I know there’s going to be more junk food waiting just to spite me.

What should I do, Juan? I don’t want to get fat, but I don’t want to lose my job either! Management doesn’t seem to care, my work friends think I’m being mean and petty, and I don’t know how much longer I’m going to last!

-Anna M.

Señora Anna, Juan know what it is like to get gift you no want.

Long time ago in Ciudad Juárez Juan have amigo named Carlos. Carlos like to do many drug. Juan no like to do drug but sometimes Juan smoke weed with Carlos and have few drinks while watching El Cuerpo del Deseo.

One day Juan decide he no want to smoke weed anymore because he no like how it make him feel. Juan tell Carlos he still drink and watch TV but Juan no smoke weed anymore. Carlos laugh and call Juan pussy then pass weed to Juan and tell him smoke it. Juan say no but Carlos keep asking until Juan finally give in so he no hear Carlos complain like señorita.

Next day Carlos bring bag of drug cocaine. Juan tell Carlos he no do hard drug and hard drug really bad for you. Carlos make fun of Juan then give Juan bag of drug and tell Juan he buy for him and Juan must do drug or he no be Juan’s friend. Juan tell Carlos go fuck yourself and leave. Two week later Juan find out that Cartel kill Carlos for drug money. Juan sad but that is life in Ciudad Juárez and that why Juan no do drugs.

Señora Anna, your problem very similar to Juan’s. You no want to poison yourself with bad food just like Juan no want to poison himself with bad drug. Coworker Beth keep pushing bad food just like Carlos keep pushing drug. Beth no respect your choice so you must tell her go fuck herself just like Juan. Yes it is very hard but Señora Anna you must be strong. You must stand up and tell Beth “Ey puta I no want to be fat stupid gringa like you, I no eat bad food.” If she no listen then you must get message across in other way.

Juan originally come up with crazy plan to make junk food with poop and trick stupid gringo coworker into eating but Juan realize you are lady and lady no make poop joke so Juan come up with other crazy plan to make junk food that give gringo coworker diarrhea. Juan realize this also poop joke, so Juan visit Mi Hermana Josefina and ask advice from woman view that no involve poop joke.

Mi Hermana Josefina tell Juan that Señora Anna have many choice how to handle this.

First Mi Hermana Josefina say Señora Anna can eat many junk food if she go to gym every day. Juan know this true because Mi Hermana Josefina always go to gym and eat bad food all day but no get fat.

Mi Hermana Josefina tell Juan she know this mucho work and Señora Anna probably no want to do that. Instead of go to gym every day, Mi Hermana Josefina say Señora Anna make own healthy snacks and bring them in to share with fat gringa Beth. Mi Hermana Josefina say parfait is best healthy snack because it cheap and easy like prostituta Tijuanense. She tell Juan how to make parfait, it very simple and Juan tell you how to make. You must buy Greek yogurt. Then add berry, oat, and cinnamon. Mi Hermana Josefina say you bring this to Beth every day and she stop bringing you junk food and she lose weight too. Juan say add laxative to parfait and give to Beth, but this probably bad idea and get you in trouble so you no do that.

Juan ask Mi Hermana Josefina for more help but before she answer Mi Hermano Rico call and need ride home from bodega because he too drunk to drive. Mi Hermana Josefina apologize and leave.

As Juan walk home, Juan think about other answer to give you Señora Anna. Juan try to put self in your shoes. That is when Juan have idea.

You tell fat stupid gringa Beth she bring more junk food then you throw right in trash. Boss tell you no outburst or you lose job. Boss also eat Beth food all the time. Juan realize that boss no say Señora Anna no throw away junk food, just no outburst. Señora Anna, you make promise to Beth that you throw junk food in trash, so you must be señora of word and do this. You no yell or scream or be angry. Just take food and throw in trash can and walk away. When fat stupid gringa Beth get mad and ask why you throw food away you say that you tell her already where her food go if she keep giving to you. Tell Beth you no lie to her and that she waste food when she bring to you when you tell her you no want it.

Beth might tell boss, and boss get angry anyway. It is okay Señora Anna, Juan prepare for this too.

When boss get angry and take Beth side, it is because Beth bring food for boss every day. Juan no see boss but Juan know boss probably also fat stupid gringa like Beth who eat bad food all day. If boss tell you no throw food away, this mean boss want more food for self. You must give boss what she want, Señora Anna. When Beth put food at your desk you must bring it to boss and give to her so she feed fat gringa face with extra food. Fat gringa boss happy because you give more junk food to stuff in fat face so gringa boss now like you too. Fat gringa boss eat mucho junk food every day and have heart attack. That is when you take fat gringa boss job and then tell Beth no give you junk food anymore or you fire her. You also make more money so that is good too.

Señora Anna, Juan know it hard to resist junk food because Juan really love churros. Uncle Paco open up t-shirt and taco shop and give Juan many churro all the time. Juan always try to say no but Uncle Paco still give Juan churro and tell Juan if he no eat then share with gringo friends AJ and Frosty. Juan always eat churros before getting to AJ’s house though. Juan feel bad but churros really good.

Juan also want to say he very happy to hear you continue not eat junk food even though stupid fat gringas tell you eat it anyway. Mi Hermana Josefina say this too. Juan hope Señora Anna continue do good in weight loss journey and that this help you.

Best of luck to you amiga.

Do you have a problem and need Señor Juan’s advice? Drop Juan a line at [email protected], or leave him a comment below!

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By Señor Juan

AJ’s oldest friend and AJnet’s resident advice columnist, Señor Juan has been an AJnet Staff member since 2008, when AJ first hired him to pose for a picture and slash a neighbor’s tires. Since then Juan has been a valued member of the team, earning his American citizenship, piloting the AJnet Huey, and keeping Frosty from getting too carried away. His soothing stories, alleviating anecdotes, and ability to smile in even the most perilous of situations help others find the reassurance they need during troubling and trying times.