No asshole, I won’t drink and drive.

No asshole, I won't drink and drive.

I’m not going to get behind the wheel after drinking. Even if it’s “just a couple of beers”. Stop pressuring me.

What’s up with all these assholes that feel the need to chastise others for not drinking and driving?

I didn’t think these people really existed. I thought they were just unrealistic caricatures in a MADD PSA or something, but no, these people really do exist.

As one of the few people in my friends group that not only has a driver’s license but also owns a car, I have to hear it constantly whenever I go out. “AJ, oh my god, did you walk all the way here? Why didn’t you just drive?” First of all bitch, it was barely three miles. If you can’t walk three miles then you’re a fucking pussy. I know cripples who can walk three miles, if you’re able-bodied you have zero excuse.

Second, I didn’t drive because I knew I was going to be drinking tonight.

You know, because I’m not an irresponsible fucking idiot.


The risk isn’t worth it.

When I think about doing something, I usually evaluate the risk I’m taking against the reward I’ll receive. If the pay-off for taking the risk isn’t worth it, I don’t do it.

When it comes to drinking and driving, any possible reward isn’t worth it in the least.

If I decide to drink then drive home, these are the possible outcomes:

a) I wreck my car on a telephone pole or a tree, and possibly injure myself.

b) I wreck my car into another car, and possibly injure the other driver.

c) I hit a pedestrian, and possibly kill them.

d) I get stopped by the cops for DUI.

e) I make it home safely.


By driving home drunk, I’m risking my safety, my freedom, and my money. The big pay-off if I succeed? I made it home in one piece.




I can achieve the same exact result by simply walking home or taking an Uber/Lyft, and I can achieve it without taking any serious risks. The worst I might have to deal with is someone trying to mug me, and even that can be avoided most times if you’re not an inattentive idiot who walks around with their nose buried in their phone.

Even if I wasn’t completely inattentive when drunk, I’d still have to contend with other drivers on the road. I’ve written not just one article, but TWO articles about the other idiots that I share the roadways with. Dealing with this bullshit while sober is bad enough, imagine trying to do it while drunk.


Having “just a couple” is stupid and pointless.

I can hear the voices now.

“You can’t just have a couple then drive home?”

I can, I just won’t.

Who goes out drinking with their friends and only has two drinks? Seriously, is there anyone out there who can go out for a full night and get by on just two measly drinks? I know it’s not a great thing that I tend to get smashed almost every time I drink with friends, but come on. If I only have a couple of drinks, my night is going to end with me slowly falling asleep while everyone else around me gets loaded and has a good time. Two beers won’t loosen me up and enable me to get my party on, at that point it’s only empty calories to me.

Having a couple of beers then stopping is no fun, and will only make me tired. Driving while tired is almost as bad as drunk driving. If you don’t believe me, try hitting the interstate doing 100+MPH after only sleeping a total of four hours in two days. Not that I would know anything about that.

Not only that, but two beers can still impair your ability to drive. I can usually handle my alcohol really well, but if I started drinking on an empty stomach those two beers are going to feel like four. If you’re someone that doesn’t drink too often? Yup, that beer is gonna hit your harder. If you drink them, then wait a couple of hours for the alcohol to leave your system you’ll just be tired.


“Why don’t you just not drink?”

Because I fucking love alcohol.

Have you ever been to a party where everyone else is drinking and you’re the only one who isn’t? It fucking sucks. Don’t give me that tired old line about how it’s supposedly fun to watch everyone else act like drunken idiots, it’s straight up boring, and depending on how stupid they act it can be annoying. “I like to watch other people get drunk and act like idiots” is just a cope that people use.

On top of that, if you manage to stay awake until the end of the night then people begin hitting you up for a ride home. They almost always live out of your way, and they rarely if ever offer up gas money. Gas is like $3.00 a gallon around here, fuck that shit. As the old saying goes, “Gas, grass, or ass”. They never offer gas money, most of the time their weed is cheap garbage, and it’s never a hot chick hitting me up for a ride.

There’s no point in going to a party if I’m not going to drink. I don’t begrudge any recovering alcoholics or anyone who has a medical condition and legitimately can’t drink, if you can still be around others who are drinking then more power to you. That’s not me though.


The Takeaway

I’ve known a lot of people over the years who would routinely get black-out shit-faced drunk then drive home, and I can’t understand why any of them would do it.

I also don’t understand why anyone would actually chastise another person for choosing not to drink and drive. I’m not a pussy, you’re just an inconsiderate fucking retard who’s not only endangering your own life but the lives of others. You’re basically operating a two-ton mobile high-speed metal death machine (Great name for a band BTW). Why the fuck would you ever think it’s a good idea to do this while drunk?

People who drive drunk are idiots, and people who talk shit on others for not drinking and driving are huge fucking assholes.


Have a story about dealing with dumb-ass drunk drivers? Think I’m just an over-cautious wimp? Let me know in the comments, I want to hear from YOU, the reader!

By Angry_Jerk

The CEO/Editor-in-chief of AJnet, and the current king of internet ranting. Hailing from the fine village of Northeast Philadelphia, AJ has been creating content on the internet for over 15 years. None of it has really been funny or entertaining, but he keeps trying anyway. When he’s not creating new articles for the site, he can be found hitting the weights, watching anime, or playing retro video games.