I shot Tupac, now shut up about him

I shot Tupac, now shut up about him.

Tupac Shakur sucked, and the only reason everyone loves him is because he died.

Why is it that whenever someone dies everyone suddenly has some newfound respect for them?

You always hear about how JFK was the greatest president to ever live. What was it he did again? Botched Bay of Pigs? Happened to be president during the Cuban Missile Crisis? That’s right, the only truly remarkable thing he did was have his brains splattered all over Jackie O.’s pillbox hat.

The same applies to musicians. If Avril Lavigne were to die today her shit music would sell like five-cent blowjobs on a Friday night. And while we’re at it, stop claiming to be a punk rocker, Avril. You’re just about as punk as Barney the fucking Dinosaur. YOU’RE TRASH, BITCH.

This is why everyone fellates Tupac Shakur.

And who the fuck would name themselves after some Incan guy anyway?

Tupac Amaru was “was the last indigenous leader of the Inca people in Peru,” according to Wikipedia. Actually, I’m looking more into the guy, and he seems pretty fucking hardcore. The man was executed for not converting to Christianity, along with killing Spanish priests. His last words were “Mother Earth, witness how my enemies shed my blood.” Tupac Shakur is too much of a pussy to use this name.

People like to talk about how Tupac “promoted racial equality, blah blah blah, etc, etc, etc.” Doesn’t look like he did a very good job, did he?

I challenge any white person to go to the ghetto. See if you don’t get jumped, or at least threatened.

Even better. Go to the ghetto wearing this t-shirt:

"I Shot Tupac" shirt, available now at Target.
Shirt now available at your nearest Target.

There’s even conspiracy theories that say Tupac is still alive. This is completely untrue. Jello Biafra, lead singer for The Dead Kennedys, shot Tupac, and I have the photographic evidence to prove it:

Photographic proof that Jello Biafra shot Tupac.

The look on Jello’s face says it all. “Oops, my bad, dog!”. Like he doesn’t even give a fuck.

I heard that Jello then looked at the reporter and said “If you tell anyone I did this, I will skin your parents alive then burn their house down. Then I’ll kill your 2 year old son and rape your wife.” The reporter was too scared to report it.

Because Jello Biafra was happy about my article supporting his band, he was glad to send me the picture that was never published. It’s no coincidence that the only witness to Tupac’s death was killed after announcing that he knew the identity of the killer. Biafra killed him.

Tupac’s music fucking sucks. When I was in high school, we had this white guy come to our school and talk about how great of a person Tupac was. He probably made some good points, but I didn’t care, because I was busy drawing violent pictures of Tupac being slayed in my notebook. I was in the front row of the room (since the school was too cheap to have an auditorium) doodling. The guy was giving me dirty looks, so I wrote “Fuck you” in my notebook the next time he looked at me. What a fucking douchebag.

I’d write more, but my computer is lagging because I have Dreamweaver open. Sorry fellas.