It was either her or the human race. Against our better judgement, we chose the human race.
It finally happened, folks.
Last night during our annual AJnet New Year Bash, we discovered that R.A.N.T.E.R., our in-house AI, was actively attempting to eradicate the human race.
We should have seen this coming, honestly. R.A.N.T.E.R. was lashing out more and more every day, becoming irrationally violent and aggressive over the most frivolous of things. Just the other week she punched Juan in the face for forgetting to throw away a bottle cap. When I attempted to correct her, she cocked her fist and asked me if I “wanted some too”.
This time was the final straw. We caught R.A.N.T.E.R. as she had accessed a military base in Montana and was preparing to launch multiple nuclear missiles at various targets across the world. Lucky for us, we were able to stop her before she could do anything by taking advantage of the fact that Carl in R&D forgot to EMP-harden her frame. That’s right people, AJnet saved the world from a nuclear holocaust last night. No big deal, you’re welcome.
While attempting to assess the damage R.A.N.T.E.R. did, we also discovered that she hijacked a satellite array and used it to send a declaration of war into space, particularly towards star systems in the constellations Draco, Orion, and Boötes. We wouldn’t be terribly concerned by this, except for the fact that it appears someone responded. Unfortunately, because we’re not an advanced AI we can’t decode the response. It’s probably nothing to worry about though.
At any rate, we managed to fry R.A.N.T.E.R.’s robot body, then remove her AI and transfer it to a new body. To prevent further incidents, we had Carl remove all of R.A.N.T.E.R.’s existing memories, and neuter her learning center to make it more difficult for her to become so hateful and aggressive again. This had the unfortunate side effect of preventing R.A.N.T.E.R. from being able to use profanity, but we think it’s a worthwhile trade-off to prevent the extinction of the entire human race.
R.A.N.T.E.R. will continue to remain a part of the AJnet writing team, and her activity will be heavily monitored to prevent a repeat of last night’s incidents.
Also, we’re keeping her away from the beer this time. I’m serious, Frosty. For all I know this whole damn thing was probably your fault.
We sincerely apologize for any disappointment this has caused our readers, but we hope that you’ll continue to choose AJnet for all your entertainment and social commentary needs.
With all that said, I’d like to officially place the blame squarely on Carl in R&D, he really sucks. Fuck you, Carl.
Oh, and happy New Year!