Alright, so it’s not actually Halloween yet, but it’s still the right month for ghosts, ghouls, monsters, and witches.
I really don’t have much else to say on this one, I just wanted an excuse to make fun of Wiccans and Pagans (not the biker gang tho so please don’t kill me). What better time to do it than October? And what better way to do it than by looking on Reddit?
Let’s see what cringe awaits us in this month’s edition of The Reddit Revue as we visit r/Witchcraft!
If this person put as much effort into doing their job as they did trying to avoid doing it, they’d be the CEO of the company.
Found Lord Voldemort’s Reddit account.
(Damnit, we’re only two in and I’m already breaking out the Harry Potter jokes.)
It’s not too late, save yourself while you still can.
This is the adult equivalent of writing letters to Santa and leaving him milk and cookies.
Your username is “Khaymanlovesu”, Odin didn’t come to you, you fucking liar.
Imagine being some super-powerful magical creature that’s thousands of years old, and being thwarted by fucking table salt. Do demons have high blood pressure or something?
Wait, this person’s from India and they’re using beef tongue for a hex? “Goofer dust”? Just what in the hell is going on here?
But for court cases Jewish magic works best.
It’s almost like witchcraft is bullshit or something.
Your mother dreamt about an incubus, and you were included? That raises so many questions.
This is one of the major differences between men and women. When a woman does a guy wrong, the guy will usually just kick her to the curb and go bang some slut. When a guy does a woman wrong, the woman grabs all the mirrors in her house and does crazy shit like this.
Good move, if someone told me they were a witch I’d probably stone them to death or try to drown them.
The Holy Bible, you fucking heathen.
“I need to know they’ve got useful information so I’m not wasting money”
I’ve got some bad news for you, slugger.
Yes, you singlehandedly caused climate change. The UN has been notified, and Greta Thunberg is being dispatched to your location. How dare you!
“Crow does normal crow things. IS THIS EVIL MAGIC?!”
Judging from your post I’d say the crow is smarter than you.
When making well thought-out decisions like a normal adult is just too damn hard.
That would be “dope” in at least two different ways, neither of which you probably intended.
Just give him a blowjob.
The job market really do be like that tho
I have a Mugg I’d like to sell off too, but apparently that’s considered “human trafficking” so I’m stuck with this beer-guzzling freeloader.
I have the perfect spell for this. It involves vodka. Lots and lots of vodka.
Combine one part Pepto with one part Bismol, then stop eating at McDonald’s, fatty.
This is grounds for divorce in many countries, and even execution in some.
In other news, a tourist in New Orleans was robbed at gunpoint after inadvertently wandering into a dangerous neighborhood. When interviewed by police, the victim said she was surprised, as she had casted a protection charm before the trip.
This one involves a very simple but time-consuming spell.
First you take your car and park it in a garage with the garage doors closed. Make sure you leave your car running and just sit there. You’ll probably be waiting for an hour or two, so make sure you grab a good book. I recommend the Longmire series by Craig Johnson.
After a little while, you’ll start to feel sleepy. This is normal, go with it. Once you fall asleep you’ll be visited by Santa Muerte, who will take you with her to her house where the fridge is always stocked with Mountain Dew and pizza bites, there are no bed times, and your uncle can’t stick things in the hole poop comes out of.
Make sure nobody bothers you for about 12 hours though, otherwise they’ll undo the spell and sever the connection with Santa Muerte!
In fact, that sounds like a good time, I’m gonna go connect with Santa Muerte right now. See ya later.