14 hours later and Frosty Mugg was landing in the fine European nation of Bosnia!
Why Bosnia? I don’t know, it made sense to sober Frosty at the time. There was no way the Philadelphia Police Department would ever get me here! Checkmate, boys in blue!
Then another thought came to me. Sure, the police couldn’t get me, but the airbenders had no jurisdiction! I just burned down one of their temples, those guys would be out for blood now. I couldn’t run from them forever, eventually they’d find me and punch my ticket for good. I wasn’t ready to die yet, I still had places to go and beers to drink!
Hiding would do me no good. I had to get these people to leave me alone forever. They weren’t going to stop looking for me unless I made them. It was another “fight or flight” situation, and this time I could make the decision myself! This time, the choice to fight would be mine! No more running, Frosty. It’s time to settle things once and for all! I had to find the leader of the airbenders and beat him in combat! Only then would I know peace.
But how could I find the head honcho of airbending?
Thankfully, we have this little invention called THE INTERNET. Using the internet, I was able to do a lot of research on my airbending attackers. I learned a lot about my foes, like the fact that they’re called “Buddhists”, and their leader is some llama named Dolly living on a mountain in a land called Tibet. I guess I was going to Tibet!
Wait a minute, where the hell was Tibet?
I looked at a map and realized my destination was over 4,000 miles away. Frosty is HERE, Tibet is THERE. This was going to take forever! Guess I’d better get started walking!
And walk I did! I walked for at least half a year, crossing through some of the most hostile and inhospitable environments known to man. I’ll be honest with you, Muggheads, I don’t remember much about this journey. I know that during the trial later words like “violent and depraved lunatic”, “economic turmoil”, and “major international incident” were being thrown around like candy at a kid’s birthday party. Or peanuts at the bar. Or baseballs at a Phillies game. Or- sorry, I’ll stop.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, I arrived at the residence of Dolly the llama. I don’t know why this llama was so special or why all the airbender-Buddhist-whatevers worshipped the damn thing, but Frosty was gonna put the kibosh on that real quick! By the time I was through, the only bender left would be the one I planned to go on when my year was up.
Surveying my serene surroundings, I saw that two airbenders were standing outside the entrance to the llama’s gigantic house. I strolled right on up to that llama’s house and demanded to speak with him. The airbenders just stared at me, just like their American counterparts did. Did all airbenders have staring problems or something? I don’t know, but just like in America, ol’ Frosty had the solution!
I didn’t wait for them to start taking my breath away, this time I struck first… and was immediately thrown to the ground. I had come this far, I wasn’t going to give up now! I made another charge at my obstinate opponents, and again the only thing I managed to hit was the ground. This fight wasn’t gonna be easy! I didn’t have a lighter either, so using Frosty Firebending was out of the question.
Or was it?
No, it was. I had nothing to start a fire with, and I didn’t see any trash cans to light up anyway even if I did.
I wasn’t going to be able to overpower these fellows, not while I was sober anyway. Again, I attempted to articulate my astoundingly assertive ask to these asshole airbenders, avoiding any alliteration at all (That’s enough, Frosty… ~Editor). This time, the airbenders realized that they understood English and began leading me into the temple. That’s what we in the biz call a win, folks! The men led me to a room and sat me down in a chair. They left, most likely to go bring their precious little llama king to me so I could slay him. The time of victory drew near!
I waited in that little room for what seemed like hours. Finally, the door burst open. I stood up, ready to face my mortal enemy, ready to end the reign of the Airbender King once and for all!
Imagine my surprise when in walked several Chinese men in army uniforms carrying big guns. I was slammed to the ground, handcuffed, and dragged out of the temple. And if that wasn’t enough, a large group of airbenders had gathered around and were doing what airbenders do best: Staring at me. I attempted to struggle with my captors, all the while telling the looky-loos exactly how I felt about them. Why was I the one being arrested here? These guys started the whole thing, I was only here to finish it. I was being railroaded, framed, set up. Can’t a man defend himself? It was my God-given right as an American citizen to exercise my freedom to defend myself from attackers, and no airbenders or Chinese army was gonna take that away from me!
I demanded my captors release me at once and allow me to exercise my constitutional right as an American to protect myself from all enemies foreign and domestic. My demand was met with a blow to my head from the butt (hehe, butt) of a rifle. Nighty night, sleep tight, Frosty was out like a light!