Last night as I lay down for bed, I got to thinking: What if I wrote the Ten Commandments?
I’ve already discussed what I would do if I could travel time. In the website’s first year, I even wrote not one, but TWO articles about why I should be God. I even wrote a snazzy article back in 2011 that I later polished up and posted to Medium (read the Medium version, I was most likely drunk when I wrote the original piece in 2011) about why God is actually a huge piece of shit and unworthy of respect let alone worship. Holy shit, I just set a new record for most old articles plugged in one paragraph. Go read those articles, I’ll wait.
Done? Alright, cool.
It is only the natural progression of things that someone as narcissistic as me would decide that I was fit to tell people how they should live their lives. So as I lay there listening to the welfare firecracker cabana going on down the street from me, I thought about God’s boring old Ten Commandments, and how I could improve upon them and make them more applicable to modern times.
First, I took God’s original commandments (which were mostly a bunch of crap about worshiping him and not being an asshole to your neighbor), and I threw them in the fucking trash where they belong. Charlton Heston may have made the Ten Commandments look cool, but the reality of the matter is they just sucked and were unusable.
So after I dumped the original Commandments, I wrote my own from scratch. I of course kept with the numbering scheme, because list-style articles mesh perfectly with my lazy lifestyle.
AJnet Commandment I
“Be a bro, not a schmoe.”
Too many guys out there are always trying to keep other guys down. As we say in the streets, niggas always trying to run game on a nigga. Shame on them.
I propose that instead of being dicks and running game on niggas, we be cool to each other and help each other out when possible. The world needs less dick moves and more bro moves.
AJnet Commandment II
“Don’t be a bitch or you won’t get stuff for Christmas.”
As spoken to the masses by the Great AJnet Prophet Clownvis Presley, the concept here is quite simple: Don’t act like a little bitch, because if you do people will remember that and you won’t get anything when it comes time to give gifts.
AJnet Commandment III
“Don’t start none, won’t be none.”
To quote the Book of Tupac, “If a nigga don’t wanna get talked about he shouldn’t step in the fucking ring. If Tyson doesn’t wanna get knocked out, he doesn’t step in the fucking ring. That’s just how shit goes. When Tyson gets in the ring, he knocks motherfuckers out.”
It happens all the time. Some idiot runs his mouth, gets his shit stomped in, then tries to backpedal and say he wasn’t trying to start anything and thus didn’t deserve his plate of Ass-Whoop Casserole. Had he listened to my Third Commandment, he wouldn’t have gotten his ass kicked. The solution is simple: Unless you want to fight, shut the fuck up and don’t start shit.
This flows nicely into the next Commandment…
AJnet Commandment IV
“Talk shit, get hit.”
Another pretty straight-forward one: If you talk shit, you’re gonna get hit. I’m looking at you, guy who said this article sucks and isn’t funny.
Jesus had a philosophy about turning the other cheek. While Jesus may have been one of the bro-est dudes in history, I’m going to have to respectfully disagree with his philosophy. If someone is talking shit, they need to get hit. Pain is an effective teacher. How else will these bitchmade punks learn to not talk shit unless they get hit?
AJnet Commandment V
“I don’t give a fuck what you think, bitch.”
AJnet has had a plethora of prophets over the years, including the powerful Reverend X. During one of his many moving and inspirational sermons, he coined the Fifth Commandment. In case that horse-faced bitch Susan Wojcicki deletes that video from YouTube, here’s the animated GIF:
Indeed, few truer words have been spoken.
To all the idiots out there who think that their opinions matter enough to constantly bombard me with them everywhere I go, the Fifth Commandment is my response. I don’t give a fuck if you love or hate Trump, bitch. Shut the fuck up, get over yourself, and leave me the hell alone with your malformed political opinions that you couldn’t form without the help of CNN or Fox News. Did I ask for your opinion? No? Then I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK, BITCH.
This also goes for all the people who like to constantly offer unsolicited advice. No, I’m not going to get back with my ex just because you thought she was nice. I broke up with her for a reason, stop telling me I made a mistake and let me live my damn life the way I see fit.
AJnet Commandment VI
“Seriously, nobody cares, shut the fuck up.”
For those dense motherfuckers who didn’t get the Fifth Commandment.
AJnet Commandment VII
“God is a huge douchebag, and AJ is fucking awesome.”
Otherwise, people might still be tempted to listen to those corny old commandments.
AJnet Commandment VIII
“Don’t fuck with your neighbor.”
God needed two long and drawn-out commandments just to say something that I condensed into five words. This makes me greater than God.
You have to live next to these people, so it’s probably not a good idea to lie about them or bang their wives. However, if your neighbor looks like Maya Rudolph only thicker and you never see a man around and you just broke up with your girlfriend a week ago, then it’s okay to covet your neighbor’s ass and literally fuck with your neighbor.
AJnet Commandment IX
“Mugs, not drugs.”
I’m not exaggerating when I say that at least 80% of this site’s content was made when I was under the influence of alcohol or drugs. In fact, I don’t think I actually published an article sober until 2012.
With that said, most of the articles I posted under the influence of drugs (usually weed, maybe a few pills here and there, who the fuck knows honestly) weren’t even funny or good. An easy way to figure out which articles were drug-induced and which were alcohol-fueled is how good the article was. If it sucked, drugs were involved. If it was funny, beer was involved. If it was an angry tangent about the UN, hard liquor was involved.
Drugs are bullshit, they cost too much money and they ruin your life and make you unfunny. If you want to do drugs, have a few beers and think it over.
Winners don’t do drugs. They do however drink beer, and sometimes hard liquor.
AJnet Commandment X
“Do I really need to come up with a Tenth Commandment?”
Fuck this bullshit, I’ve got other things to do.