Apparently I’m homophobic now.
I’ve taken a break from doing nothing at all to share this hate mail with you. This time, our letter comes from the enchanting land of the UK, where people say “Cheerio!” and stop everything at 4 o’clock for tea time.
From: Sam Burnstead <[email protected]>
Date: 10/4/11
Subject: What’s up dawg?
Firstly, you aren’t Maddox. It’s pathetic how you’re trying to be Maddox, right down to posting your hate mail and trying to make fun of it.
And secondly, your view of gay people is very dumb. You make it sound like all of them are semi-naked, promiscuous and body-painted, when this is only a tiny portion of the gay community. I’m straight, but I hate when bigots like you write dumb articles like that. Luckily, gays and gay marriage is becoming more and more accepted all around the world, so your viewpoint is losing. Most people are advanced, modern and intelligent, which is why freedom and equality is on the rise.
If I was as bigoted as you, I might say ‘go and molest your cousin, you filthy redneck,” but that would be sinking to your level.
I’m just glad that, at the end of the day, viewpoints like yours are rejected by society. Mainly because the majority of us are not backwards, unlike you.
– Ruggy Burnstead, UK
Sam is referring to this article.
Jesus Christ, did you even read the fucking article? Maybe if you had actually read the whole thing and not just the text within the immediate proximity of the picture (which you probably broke your wrist trying to right-click and save as soon as you saw it), you might have noticed the following paragraph:
“Second, who gives a fuck if two gay people get married? Seriously, what’s the big deal? Oh wait, that’s right, it violates the sanctity of marriage. Unlike all the 20-year old couples that marry on a whim after being together for a year, have two or three kids, then get divorced two years later after one partner catches the other being unfaithful despite the fact that they were unfaithful too. Premature and unfaithful marriages? No big deal. Two queers getting married? Hell no, we need some government regulation up in this bitch!”
…and the closing line:
“Nah, I’m just homophobic and intolerant of other cultures. You know, ’cause strutting around in public while wearing a thong, angel wings, and excessive body paint is what being gay is all about.”
Clearly reading comprehension isn’t your strong suit, eh Sammy? Or maybe sarcasm is on the ever-growing list of things outlawed in the UK, probably buried somewhere in the Anti-Social Behavior Order. More than likely though, you were just too damn distracted by the picture to focus. And since you probably didn’t catch it because of your poor reading comprehension, I was calling you gay in that last sentence. Go read the article again, and reread it as many times as it takes for you to understand what it was about.
…
Alright, fuck it man. I just can’t get past your comment about me trying to be like Maddox. I publically make fun of my hatemail, so I’m ripping off Maddox? Are you smoking crack, motherfucker? No, I really want to know. Are you on drugs? I’ve seen some pretty stupid reasoning for accusing people of ripping off Maddox, but that’s pretty high up there. You might as well accuse me of trying to be like Maddox just because I have a website.
Oh, and dude, word of advice. When you’re trying to own someone, you might not want to use a nickname like “Ruggy”. It sounds like something you’d call a 5 year old.
Ruggy, consider yourself… BEATEN.
UPDATE: 10/10/11
Sam sent me this follow-up email:
Subject: Thanks for putting my hate mail on the website
It wasn’t hate mail because I don’t hate you. I read some of your other stuff and I agree with you on a number of things.
I was just sticking up for the gay people. Sometimes it’s difficult to distinguish when someone is being sarcastic and when they are being serious. I say this because there have been times when I’ve thought “this person must be trolling because no one can be that dumb,” only to discover they are in fact being serious. Maybe I’m just an idiot but on my first read I thought the article was hating on gays.
I don’t consider myself beaten. I think we all learned something today.
I’m ok with Ruggy sounding like a 5 year old. Maybe it represents my inner child. It’s just something people call me, for reasons not understood by anyone.
I like the way you ended the response with YEEAAAAHH, but you didn’t really make the essential pun that’s supposed to precede it. I don’t blame you though because I can’t think of one either.
Excuse me, it’s 4 o’ clock, time to get some tea up in this motherfucker.
-Love Ruggy xx
Oh yeah? Well…
Fuck man, I didn’t expect you to be all polite and humble and shit. I guess not everybody on the internet is a massive dickhead. Props to “Ruggy” for actually bothering to read the rest of the site and realizing that he misread my article.
Take note people, this is how you look like someone who isn’t a fucking idiot.
UPDATE: 4/22/22
11 years later, Ruggy sent me another follow-up email:
SUBJECT: I smack you
I found your site again after self-googling. The memories.
Over a decade ago I sent you some cringe hate mail. I called you a bootleg Maddox among other things. I wish to amend my statement. You have outlasted Maddox. You can’t be a knock off because you outlived him. Like Highlander.
Congratulations on still being an angry jerk. I will email you again in another 10 years.
– Ruggy
Thanks for the kind words Ruggy, hope you’re doing well bud.
That’s right, I’ve officially surpassed Maddox. The “Pirate King of Manliness” is dead, and I am now the king of internet ranting. Everyone who said I couldn’t do it, feel free to suck my nuts.