The Bible is a boring snooze-fest, and the universe would be a better place if I was God.
I was at work last Sunday when one of my groupies came in with her family for after-church breakfast.
When her parents got up for a minute to go out and smoke, she called me over. Looking for any excuse to avoid doing work, I gladly obliged. I always have time for a fan.
My groupie complained about how boring church was. I couldn’t really relate, the last time I was anywhere near a church was when I vandalized a statue of the Virgin Mary with pentagrams because I’m edgy like that.
While we’re on the subject, I would just like to say that the Virgin Mary was only called that because she liked anal and wouldn’t take it anywhere else. Jesus was created when Joseph Stalin (I think that was Jesus’s father’s name) accidentally got a little jizz on Mary’s pussy. Hey, accidents happen.
Jesus’s power mainly came from the drugs he sold to the townspeople. When they saw Jesus walking on water they were tripped out on LSD.
“But AJ, LSD wasn’t invented until 1938!”
Hey, I never said Jesus wasn’t a man of miracles.
Anyway, my groupie told me about how boring church was.
“Church is so boring, AJ!” she complained. “All they do is read from that boring old Bible. Jesus and God were so lame! I wish I could read about you instead!”
“Now now,” I told her. “The Bible can’t be that boring.”
“Read it and see for yourself!” she replied.
That evening when I got home, I cracked open my parents’ copy of the Bible. Goddamn, my groupie wasn’t kidding. This shit was straight-up Snore City.
I only got up to the part where God said “Let there be light” before I fell asleep. After waking up to find a puddle of drool on the Bible, I realized just how boring that shit was.
If I wrote the Bible, this is how it would go:
- The Earth would have been created when I took a mega shit. I’m talking one of those ones where you flush like 3 times, and it still doesn’t all go down.
- The oceans would be my piss.
- The rain would be my tears, because I sometimes cry at how stupid society is.
- Mr. T would be my pope, because he’s hella tough.
- My prophets would be Vince Vaughn, Bob Barker, Yao Ming, Steve Urkel, Mr. Clean, and Little Richard.
- The Revelations would consist mostly of an angry midget going around kicking people in the shins.
- Pat Robertson would be Satan, because he’s a douche bag.
- Ludacris would be punished for ripping off Shakespeare, because only Shakespeare could write such beautiful poetry as “MOVE BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY.”
I can’t wait until they hold the next elections for God of the Universe. I’m so going to win.