Harry Potter is NOT a Christmas movie!

I just had the DUMBEST argument ever!

So I’m at my usual bar drinking my usual beer and shooting the spit with my usual drinking buddies, and we’re talking about our favorite Christmas movies. Someone (Tommy!!) said Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie. I told that jerk that HE wasn’t a Christmas movie and Die Hard IS in fact a Christmas movie!

You know what beer kinda sucks? Mad Elf. Your pal Frosty isn’t one to bad mouth beer, but that brew tastes like spew! I think it’s called Mad Elf because an elf got really mad and peed into the beer. AJ says it’s a “Belgian strong dark ale”, whatever THAT means! I guess Belgium doesn’t know how to do brew! Good thing they banned me from their country after my Sober Saga (which you can read all about here!!) so I’ll never have to taste anymore of their NASTY DISGUSTING beer ever again!

What was I supposed to be talking about again?

Oh yeah, Harry Potter.

When I was a kid I made a story called Harry Putter and the Golf Club of Fire. It was about Harry Putter and his best friend Ron Woodsly beating Lord Voldeputt in a golf tournament.

Wait, no, that’s not what this article is supposed to be about. Sorry.

I saw a picture of the girl from the Harry Potter movies the other day. She’s really old and wrinkly looking now. I guess they don’t make potions to stop aging!

Oops I did it again! Be right back, putting a Brittany Spears song onto the jukebox!

Alright I’m back. And this time I actually remembered what I was supposed to be writing about!

That stupid jerk Tommy said that Die Hard wasn’t a Christmas movie, but then he also said that Harry Potter WAS! Are you REALLY that stupid Tommy? Harry Potter definitely is NOT a Christmas movie, and Frosty Mugg is gonna school you on why!

Man (and woman, AJ says we don’t discriminate here at AJnet!!) you know what was a good movie? School of Rock. (That’s enough, Frosty. From here on out I’m deleting these. Stay on topic. ~ Editor)

Anyway none of the Harry Potter movies are Christmas movies because they’re missing the most important thing of all: They’re NOT about Christmas! Only a very small part of the movies takes place during Christmas. In Die Hard John McClane has to save people from Professor Snape, who wants to end Christmas once and for all. In the Harry Potter movies Harry has to save people from Lord Voldemort, who wants to rule the magical world. Notice the difference? I do! John McClane saves Christmas. Harry saves Hogwarts castle!

Harry Potter can’t possibly be a Christmas movie. It could have been a Christmas movie if that lady wanted it to. Santa Claus is magic, Harry Potter is magic, friendship is magic, Magic Johnson is magic. It was the perfect opportunity, but the lady who made the movies WASTED that opportunity! Santa Claus isn’t in it. He’s not even mentioned ONCE! But Santa is in Die Hard! We don’t see him but we know he’s there because he gave John McClane a machine gun and beat up that guy in the elevator for him! Everyone just assumes that John McClane wrote that on the guy but it’s obvious Santa wrote that because it said “Ho ho ho”. That’s Santa’s catchphrase!

If Harry Potter was a Christmas movie it would have been about Lord Voldemort trying to destroy Christmas and Harry and his friends have to stop him. Voldemort kidnaps Santa Claus and is going to kill him at the top of the tower, but Harry and his friends come in at the last minute thanks to Santa’s magical sleigh and SLAY (get it??) Lord Voldemort before he can throw Santa off the top of the tower. Santa tells Lord Voldemort “You’re going on my NAUGHTY LIST!” then hits him with a candy cane. Lord Voldemort begs for mercy but Santa says “Ho ho ho!” and knocks Voldemort out with his sack (of toys you creepo!!) Ron says “Blimey Santa, you really decked his halls!” The movie would end with Santa, Harry, and everyone else drinking egg nog and dancing along to “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree” at a huge Christmas party at Hogwarts castle. The last part would be Professor Snape taking everyone hostage at the Christmas party like he did in Die Hard except it’s at Hogwarts not the big office building from Die Hard. Professor Snape would look directly at the camera and say “Fa la la la la, la la la, la.” with a pause before the last “la”.

But none of that happened in the Harry Potter movies. Do you know WHY none of that happened in the Harry Potter movies? I do! It’s because HARRY POTTER IS NOT A CHRISTMAS MOVIE TOMMY!!!

Only an idiot would think Harry Potter is a Christmas movie! Stop perpetually perpetuating this pernicious pretense and accept the authentic account about Harry’s adventure: It’s NOT a Christmas movie!!!!