Today Juan show you how to make chili.

Frosty call Juan and say “ey Juan mí amigo we go see Alex you come too I need ride por favor” Juan no want go to Alex house Alex muy loco he always talk about crazy conspiracy theory and blame La Familia Worthington for bad thing. Juan no know La Familia Worthington but Alex always say La Familia Worthington muy maléfico and they really rule world. Alex get very drunk and then take out megaphone and yell about La Familia Worthington. But Frosty say he buy Juan many Corona so Juan go to Alex house.

Frosty ask Alex what is for dinner and Alex say he make big pot of chili. Frosty really happy and tell Juan Alex from Texas so he make good chili. Juan like chili it is very good. Mí Abuelita make chili in Ciudad Juárez Juan eat it all the time. Mí Abuelita also teach Uncle Paco how to make chili so Uncle Paco sell it at shop Uncle Paco’s Tacos and T-Shirts you go there and buy some it is very good. You also buy shirt too Uncle Paco have many shirt he give you good price.

Juan like hot chili. Alex say yes señor it is hot and spicy Texas style. Juan eat but no taste heat. Juan also no taste chili because it no have flavor. Juan say “ey Alex what you put in chili it no hot”. Alex say he put cayenne pepper and mucho hot sauce. Alex tell Juan he use gringo hot sauce Frank’s holy shit why you do this. Juan ask why chili have no flavor and Frosty tell Juan put cheddar cheese in give it flavor.

¡Dios mío!

Alex say he make Texas style but what he really make is poop. Juan have Texas style chili Texas right across border from Ciudad Juárez many Mexican go there and show gringo how make chili. Juan go to Texas and eat very good chili so Juan think Alex lie. Uncle Paco tell Juan no insult host so Juan polite and no tell Alex this.

Gringo no make good chili but it is very easy and Juan tell you how to do it. Juan ask Uncle Paco for Mí Abuelita recipe to share on AJnet website and Uncle Paco say yes that is fine.

Most important rule of cook chili is cook day before you eat. You want on Sunday you must cook on Saturday. Juan know it is very hard to wait but you must be patient. Good thing come to those who wait! You say “ey Juan I hungry why I no eat now I already cook it?” Juan know this and you eat chili right after cook and it no have full flavor. You put in fridge overnight and eat next day and taste full flavor.

You make chili you need ingredients:

  • Pork loin (2 lb)
  • Black beans (1 ¼ cup dry)
  • Plain tomato sauce (Two 29 oz cans)
  • Diced tomatoes (3 whole tomatoes)
  • Habanero peppers (3 whole peppers)
  • Jalapeno peppers (2 whole peppers)
  • White onion (1 medium)
  • Chili powder (a lot)
  • Cumin (also a lot but less than chili powder)
  • Black pepper (a little bit)
  • Garlic powder (a lot)
  • Sugar (1-2 tablespoons)
  • Cinnamon (2 tablespoons)
  • Crown Royal Apple Whiskey (1 shot)

(Editor’s note: Don’t worry Juan, we’ll clean that up for you…)

You read ingredient and say “ey Juan why you lie this no abuela recipe from Mexico it have gringo Crown Royal Apple Whiskey they no make that until 2014”. Juan know this and ask Uncle Paco same question. Uncle Paco say he add this by accident one day and it taste good so he keep do it. Recipe still Mí Abuelita but Uncle Paco add gringo whiskey because it taste good.

First you must cook pork loin. You season pork loin with salt pepper garlic powder and onion powder and cook at 350 degrees until pork reach temperature of 165 degree. Juan do this day before he make chili but you do this same day too it is fine just let pork cool down because you must pull pork apart. Also you must cook bean so do this too when pork in oven.

You get big pot and put pork and bean in. Next you dice onion and tomatoes and put in pot too.

Now you must cut peppers. This part very important so please listen and no make mistake. First you cut up jalapeno peppers into very small piece. No leave seed in because seed very hot. Next you cut habanero peppers. You cut very very small so small you no see habanero in chili. You no leave seed in this either.

After cut peppers you must wash hands really good with strong soap and lemon juice. Lemon juice get rid of oil from pepper you no burn dick when you pee later Juan make mistake once but no make mistake again holy shit Juan feel like he have sex with señorita in Tijuana.

You cut ingredients now you must add sauce. You buy plain tomato sauce in can have no seasoning. No buy jar sauce you make chili not spaghetti. Juan know Mexico flag have same color as Italy but no use sauce with Italy seasoning. You add two can sauce then you put little bit of water in cans and get sauce stuck on side of can swirl water around and pour water with sauce in pot. Then you must stir everything mix up good before add seasoning.

Next add seasoning. Use mucho chili powder. You make chili so must have chili powder! Juan like make joke when he do this like Jesse Pinkman from gringo TV show Breaking Bad Juan say “Chili P my signature yeah science bitch”. You no do that though because Juan think it funny when he say it but now Juan see it no funny.

After chili powder you add cumin. You add mucho cumin but no add as much as chili powder. Then you add mucho garlic powder you add like cumin same amount. You also add sugar and little bit black pepper make flavor. Last ingredient is Crown Royal Apple Whiskey only put one shot maybe two no more though. You no want get drunk when eat.

You put ingredients together now you must cook. You turn stove on medium heat and let start boil no forget to stir pot. When pot boil you must turn stove down very low heat and let simmer three hour and stir every half hour. Juan put lid on pot but take off at end and let chili cook no lid for 30 minute it make chili thick and house smell muy bueno.

You say “Juan I no like pork I like chili I make with other meat” Juan say yes you make with any meat AJ use recipe one time and use ground turkey. Uncle Paco use beef too you use any meat and follow recipe and make good chili. No put in hot sauce like gringo Alex and no put in cheese like gringo Frosty Juan see you put cheese in chili Juan hit you only stupid fucking idiot gringo put cheese in chili. You no stupid fucking idiot gringo you no do this.

AJ say “ey Juan what you call recipe” Juan no have name but Frosty say “it is Chili con Juan hahaha”. Frosty stupid drunk idiot but still make funny joke so Juan say yes AJ call recipe Chili con Juan.

You make good chili and you tell Juan in comment you like it it is very good. You need help make chili you leave comment too and ask Juan. You also send Juan email and ask for advice on many things Juan like give advice you send Juan email Juan give advice.

Best of luck to you amigos.

By Señor Juan

AJ’s oldest friend and AJnet’s resident advice columnist, Señor Juan has been an AJnet Staff member since 2008, when AJ first hired him to pose for a picture and slash a neighbor’s tires. Since then Juan has been a valued member of the team, earning his American citizenship, piloting the AJnet Huey, and keeping Frosty from getting too carried away. His soothing stories, alleviating anecdotes, and ability to smile in even the most perilous of situations help others find the reassurance they need during troubling and trying times.