Why didn’t you people tell me I could save this much money?
I’ve got an addiction: I can’t stop buying useless shit off of Amazon. Namely, things like anime figurines, controllers for emulation, LED lights, and wall racks for my ever-growing collection of tea:
This shit may look cheap, but it adds up when you’re ordering it like three times a week because you have an Amazon credit card and little to no self-control. L from Death Note cost me like $30. That little Super Saiyan 3 Pikachu set me back about $17. Most of those controllers came in two-packs for $20ish. Those tea shelves? Two for $22, and they’re kind of warped so they look uneven (I know how to use a level, don’t even try to blame me for this one). And don’t get me started on Govee lights, I’ve probably put Mr. Govee’s damn kid through college at this point.
So the other night when I was bored and browsing 4chan’s Technology board (the best way to spend a Saturday night and in no way loser-ish), I came across a “Chink Shit General” thread. For those not familiar with /g/ (namely, 94.5% of you reading this right now), “Chink Shit General” is where people show off their latest buys from AliExpress, which is just Chinese Amazon but with only slightly more knock-offs. I’ve always enjoyed reading the /csg/ threads, people buy some crazy shit off of AliExpress, and seller interactions can provide for hilarity thanks to language barriers.
Well, after about a decade of reading these threads, my curiosity finally got the better of me, and I took a look around AliExpress for myself.
Holy shit, what have I been doing with my life?!
Everything on here is like half the price of Amazon!
I got brave and made some purchases, which I may even see by May:
To quote the current generation, “These prices bussin, fo real fo real”.
I bought that same exact controller stand from Amazon a few months back for $27 (albeit with a black base). And as far as Hatsune Miku figures go, the cheapest ones I can find on Amazon are $30+, and most likely of the same quality as this one. The Miku stickers? I got a new user discount on those, but even if I paid the full price of $3.24 it’s still way cheaper than what’s on Amazon. Where was this site all my life?!
I’m so frugal at times that even my Jewish friends call me a cheapskate and tell me to tone it down a bit (bonus shekels to anyone who recognized the Benner-brand tea bags in the one picture and knows what store they come from), so the fact that AliExpress has all this shit for like half the price of Amazon really tickles my fancy. Sure, it’s gonna take a couple of months for this stuff to actually get to America, but I have no problem waiting if it means I’m getting this shit on discount. It’s not like I need that Miku figure right the fuck now. Though I do hope those stickers get here soon, I can’t wait to put them on my water bottle for work to confuse my coworkers, who are predominantly manly-men that don’t understand why a man in his 30’s would watch cartoons let alone Japanese ones (I tried to explain to them exactly what Hatsune Miku was, but they couldn’t wrap their minds around the idea of a completely synthetic Japanese pop star for some reason; these are people who got weirded out when I changed out the color of the shoe laces on my DCs).
Now I know what you’re thinking here. “BUT AJ, DIDN’T YOU SAY THAT THE CHINESE ARE OUR ENEMIES? YOU’RE FUNDING THE CHINESE WAR MACHINE BY BUYING FROM ALIEXPRESS PLUS YOU MIGHT GET RIPPED OFF!!!”
First of all, I’ve never said the Chinese people are our enemies. The Chinese people are for the most part decent and hardworking folks looking to make their way in the world just like anyone else. Seriously, these people will open shops in the middle of the most dangerous neighborhoods and literally risk their lives just to make a few bucks, you’ve gotta respect that. America’s real enemy is the Communist Party of China. My beef isn’t with China’s people, it’s with their government. Overthrow your goddamn government already, China.
Second, yes, I’m sure a portion of the money I’m spending on AliExpress is going right to Xi Jinping’s coffers so he can send more balloons for us to shoot down with our $500,000 missiles (Did we send all our bullets off to Ukraine or something? Seriously guys…). But guess what? When you buy the same cheap brands off of Amazon that sound like someone chose their names by dropping a wok on the ground and seeing what noise it made, you’re also giving the Chinese government your money! The only difference is, part of that money is also going to Jeff Bezos, who is going to use it to further build his empire, destroy small businesses, and continue treating his employees like shit. By using AliExpress, I’m only giving my money to one dictator, and I’m not supporting the mistreatment of American workers and the destruction of small American businesses. Checkmate, atheists.
As for getting ripped off, I’m no dummy. I’ve done my homework, I know that AliExpress has a lot of knock-off stuff, and sellers can play games with you and try to rip you off. I’m not buying anything serious off of there (NOTE TO SELF: Cancel that order I just placed for that 4090!), and I’ve read enough /csg/ to know how to avoid getting “chinked” by the less-than-honest sellers. I also know that AliExpress wants Americans to keep giving them their money, so they tend to step in and side with the buyer on most disputes. You think this is my first internet rodeo?
I’ll see what happens when I actually get the stuff I ordered, but if all goes well I may very well just use AliExpress for most of my anime figurine needs, and all the other stupid shit I buy but don’t need. Who knows, I may even get brave enough to order some cheap electronics. And you know what? I may even make a follow-up article about it too (probably not though)!
Godspeed, you magnificent Chinese bastards. Godspeed.
EDITOR’S NOTE: No, this wasn’t a paid plug for AliExpress. Though we ARE open to the idea…
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