It’s that magical time of the year again, folks.
That’s right, it’s time for the AJnet annual State of the Website Address. I was so busy crushing my goals for the site in 2022 that I actually forgot to write a State of the Website Address for that year. Winning is my business, and business is good.
With that said, I’ve got a lot in store for 2023. Here’s just some of the amazing things AJnet fans can look forward to this year.
1. New articles daily
You read it here first folks: We’re going full-time!
Indeed, I’ve decided to quit my job and move back in with my parents so I can focus on creating fresh content daily. I’ve also taken on an entire writing team to assist me in this seemingly Herculean endeavor. The days of taking months and years between new articles are over.
Having to spend most of my time at some boring pesky job was once the biggest obstacle to my writing, and now look at it. It’s lying in the corner with a bruised and battered anus.
New articles delivered straight to your butthole daily.
2. Weekly YouTube videos
No longer will I neglect the YouTube channel.
This year, I plan to unleash a new video upon the clueless and unwashed internet masses every single week. We’ll be covering a wide array of topics. Video games, movies, TV shows, technology, and even quantum physics. I’ll be taking it all head-on no-holds-barred.
And I won’t be doing it all alone either. Viewers can look forward to guest appearances by famous YouTubers such as Linus Tech Tips, Dunkey, the Spiffing Brit, Jeff Cavalier, and Justin Silverman. That’s right, THE Justin Silverman of Silvermania. Holy shit!
And I don’t want to brag too much, but I’ll also be having famous physicist Neil deGrasse Tyson on my channel to discuss the latest research going on at CERN. C’mon internet, at least try to keep up!
Subscribe now to get the jump-start!
3. The Official AJnet TikTok Channel!
Not everyone will have the time to watch my amazing YouTube videos. Make the time, you lazy shit hooks.
But in addition to YouTube, I’ll also be creating content on TikTok. That’s right, AJnet is officially throwing its hat into the TikTok ring, delivering short videos to your face in 60 seconds or less. It’s time to get with the times. AJnet ain’t afraid of change, and we’re prepared to stay hip and relevant in this grab n’ go era by bringing the freshest most bussin short videos you’ve ever seen!
This is still in development, and a link will be shared on social media when it’s ready, particularly on the official AJnet Instagram page.
4. AJnet: The Animated Series
With the recent cancellation of Justin Roiland, a huge void has been left in the adult animation industry, and only a big swinging dick like mine can fill it.
This year, we’ll be releasing AJnet: The Animated Series.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “What could an AJnet cartoon possibly be about?”. I’m not at liberty to discuss plot points and stuff like that (NDA’s are a bitch, folks!), but suffice to say you’ll be seeing all your favorite AJnet characters, like Señor Juan, Frosty Mugg, and Kanye West, animated and more glorious than ever!
The pilot will drop in July, but look out for teasers soon!
5. AngryJerk.net: The True Story (An AJnet Book)
Maddox had The Alphabet of Manliness. AJnet will have AngryJerk.net: The True Story (An AJnet Book).
I’m not satisfied with just being an internet writer. I’m ready to take things to the next level and take my seat at the table with literary legends like Mark Twain, H.G. Wells, Stephen King, Craig Johnson, Judy Blume, and the person who wrote the Captain Underpants series. New York Times Best Seller or bust!
You’re probably wondering what this book will be about. You should be wondering what it WON’T be about. Never-before-seen rants on hot-button issues like abortion, stories of destruction from my teenage years, stories of debauchery and sin from my adult years. Just a few things you’ll read in this book. At 612 pages, we’ve got a lot of territory to cover. This book’s got it all baby!
Oh, and I scored an interview with businessman and former president Donald Trump. Woah!
AngryJerk.net: The True Story (An AJnet Book) will be the best thing you’ll ever read, guaranteed.
6. A live-action AJnet movie
“Gee, I sure hope they’re not working on a live-action movie about AJ and his site!”
If you’ve ever said the above sentence, then today might be the worst day of your life.
As I write this on my phone (swipe to type STILL sucks even in 2023, holy shit bro), a live-action AngryJerk.net movie is currently in preproduction. I won’t be starring in this one, but I promise the casting will be phenomenal. How phenomenal? We’re in talks with Keanu Reeves and Antonio Banderas for the male lead roles, and Aya Cash for the female lead/love interest. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am!
The script is finalized, and Lionsgate is currently in the casting phase. I’m not allowed to discuss the plot just yet (the NDA’s strike again!), but this movie is going to encompass several genres and win awards in all of them.
Filming is expected to commence by the end of summer, with a projected 2025 release. Be sure to follow the official AJnet Instagram for updates!
7. Jerk in Da Street
No, I’m not planning on getting pinched for public masturbation.
Jerk in Da Street is the name of my upcoming rap album.
“What, a cartoon, a movie, and a book aren’t enough? This guy’s got a fucking rap album now?!”
Damn skippy I do.
AJnet has partnered up with legendary rap record label Strange Music to produce what will be the illest, dopest, sickest album of 2023. Yes, that Strange Music. Jerk in Da Street will feature collabs with current and former Strange Music artists, like CES Cru, Krizz Kalico, Big Scoob, and, of course, Tech N9ne himself. Also featured on this album will be a diss track against Meek Mill, titled “Sleep Pill”. There’s only one king of Philly, and it ain’t some bitch ass punk hiding under Jay-Z’s nutsack in NYC. It’s cool though Meek, you hide in your little NYC condo writing your boring-ass rhymes and beefing with scrubs like Kendrick Lamar while you tongue Rick Ross’s butthole (You’re next, Rick!). AJnet remains the real power in Philly (and the world), and this track will further cement that.
Expect Jerk in Da Street to drop on September 11th, 2023. 22 years after the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center, there’s gonna be a terrorist attack on Meek Mill and the rap industry in general. That was a metaphorical terrorist attack, Meek. Don’t be a little bitch and run off to your lawyers again like you did to the Cosmopolitan.
8. San Diego Comic Con, here we come!
Hey, AJnet will also have its own booth at the San Diego Comic Con this year!
Friday, July 21st through Sunday, July 23rd, the AJnet crew will be at booth 1605, conveniently located down the metaphorical road from the “Yes Anime” booth for my weeaboo pleasure. Stop by and meet AJnet favorites such as me (duh), Señor Juan, Frosty Mugg, and Señor Juan’s uncle Paco. Also walking around the Con will be the new AJnet Street Team, which totally isn’t just some special ed kids I paid to walk around promoting the site. If you can’t find them, chances are they’re probably at the Gundam Base two booths over from ours. Feel free to go over and remind them that I won’t pay them if I find out they spent their whole day playing around with giant robots, and that I can fucking see them.
Take a picture with me, get life advice from Señor Juan, buy a shirt from his uncle Paco, and get beer spilled on your new shirt by Frosty (please don’t hurt him though, I need him until at least Sunday).
If you’re in San Diego that weekend, stop by and say hi!
9. The AJnet 2024 Presidential Campaign
I’m officially announcing my candidacy for the United States Presidency.
I’m sick and tired of all the bullshit from both sides of the political spectrum. Joe Biden is a stupid fucking idiot with Alzheimer’s, Donald Trump is a loud-mouthed ignoramus who throws Twitter tantrums, nobody wants the governor of Florida running this country, and Dan Crenshaw apparently isn’t running. America is at a crucial point in its history right now. Instead of wrong and divisive leadership, we need strong and decisive leadership.
Ideally I’d choose Señor Juan as my running mate, but he’s an immigrant and therefor ineligible to hold the office of Vice President, so instead I’ll have to settle for Adam Carolla. I don’t see eye-to-eye with the Aceman on everything, but if this guy were a pack of smokes he’d be Winstons, because when it comes to Adam Carolla there’s no bull. This is a guy who will help me get some shit done around here. His years of experience in construction will be great for helping me reunify this country by building bridges to connect us and tearing down the fences that divide us.
America needs a strong presence on the world stage, and I’m the one that will bring it. I promise you, if elected, my first act as president will be to personally fly over to Russia and punch Vladimir Putin square in his jaw. I’m dead fucking serious, right after my inauguration I’m going to hop onto Air Force One, take a direct flight to Moscow, walk right into the Kremlin, and hit that old Russian bastard with the meanest right cross the world has ever seen. After he’s done picking his teeth up off the floor, he’ll fully withdraw from Ukraine.
Likewise, if China wants to step I’ve got plenty more for them too. Let that Winnie the Pooh lookalike run his mouth, I’ll send Iron Mike Tyson to China with a fistful of honey for his punk ass. And by “honey” I mean pain. Xi Jinping won’t be saying “Oh bother!” when Iron Mike gets through with him. In fact, he won’t be saying much of anything, because he’ll be knocked the fuck out.
I’ll be fully detailing my campaign in a later article, as well as many TV and radio commercials which will play twice every single commercial break on every station.
As you can see, we have one hell of a year planned here. And none of it would have been possible without the support of you, our loyal and wonderful and totally awesome audience. I thank all AJnet readers new and old alike for their continued support, and hope you’ll all continue to join us as we continue to grow the site into the empire it was meant to be.
2023 is the year of the jerk!