In October of 2011, I did an interview with Rantlister.
We had been doing the Rantlister Interviews off and on for a couple of years by this point, and they had been going over really well with our readers. Thanks to Rantlister’s inclusion of my site in 2007, I had built a sizeable audience and was one of the predominant sites on the List. As such, my narcissism required that I be the subject of a Rantlister Interview.
Except, there was just one problem: Who was going to interview me?
While Bagoda was the one to kick-start the interviews, I had been handling most of the recent ones myself, and they had kind of become my thing. Bagoda was busy with school at the time, so he was out. Bob Smash was also busy with life, so he was out too. I even kicked around the idea of interviewing myself, but I wasn’t quite that narcissistic (though I think a self-interview could be funny if done right, maybe I’ll attempt this one day).
That’s when DrakeGTA stepped in.
You might remember the interview I posted last month featuring Drake. While we hadn’t quite become close friends yet in 2011, I still knew and respected Drake’s legacy. The guy was the godfather of Rantlister. When he stepped up to interview me, I jumped at the offer. To be interviewed by such a legend in the rant scene was an honor. I’d later invite him to the AJnet Forums, where we’d forge the friendship that lasted until his tragic passing in September of 2021.
After rereading this for the first time in over ten years, I wasn’t so sure I even wanted to repost it. Seriously, some of my answers are kind of cringy (the script snippets for that series I never made? Ugh), and some of my views on things have changed. But I also don’t want to see this interview lost to the ravages of time, especially when the person interviewing me was a close friend who is no longer with me. If anything, this old interview shows just how far I’ve come over the last 12 years.
I also have no idea why Drake made a joke about me living off-grid in a southern-style swamp with hillbillies. Maybe it was because I lived in the Pocono mountains for a couple of years? I don’t know, and I’m pretty sure that if Drake were still alive today he wouldn’t know either.
Regardless, enjoy this old interview with me, done by DrakeGTA for Rantlister in October of 2011.
It turns out that it was Angry Jerk‘s turn to get interviewed. This proved problematic because AJ lives off-the-grid in an alligator infested swamp, inside a trailer park, with twelve foot razor wire, full of drunken inbreeds who play the banjo and make gumbo using the intestines of outsiders. Rantlister had to call in a crack operative to accomplish this interview. DrakeGTA was chosen, not because he was particularly talented, but mostly because everyone agreed that he was highly disposable, and he had a pretty mouth.
First question. Among the various sites featured on Rantlister, yours is one of the hardest to determine what level of sarcasm you’re playing at. That is to say, it’s hard to determine how much is serious, and how much is a piss-take. That is, how much is the real you, and how much is your persona. I suspect that on many levels, your site is “trolls trolling trolls” so to speak. Can you clarify, what helps distinguish the real you, and your real values from the writer presented at angryjerk.net?
There’s really nothing that can help distinguish that. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be asking me this question.
The best I can do is offer some of my actual opinions on some things:
-Gay rights: I feel that it should be up to the individual church or judge as to whether or not they want to marry a gay couple. I can’t find any valid reason to deny two consenting adults from marrying. This “It violates the sanctity of marriage” crap is just that: Crap. Why aren’t these people protesting the fact that 20-somethings get married on a whim after being together for like 6 months, then getting divorced or separating within a year? Because they’re assholes, that’s why.
-Racism: Like any white person who’s grown up in a major city, I’m suspicious around blacks and Hispanics. To be prejudiced is human nature. We’re always going to harbor a bit of discontent with people and things that aren’t like us. And let’s face it, in the city the average black or Hispanic person is much more likely to fit the racial stereotypes. That said, it’s fucking stupid to let these stereotypes dictate your perception of someone before you even meet them. I know plenty of black and Hispanic people who don’t fit the stereotypes, and I even know some who do that are still pretty cool. It’s okay to be racist. It’s not okay to be a bigoted asshole who assumes the worst of everyone before even encountering them.
-Immigration: If you have a skill to offer the United States, you’re more than welcome to come in. If you’re just going to sit around collecting money for doing fuck-all while working under the table (without paying taxes for those who have never heard the term), you have no right to be here. I also find it hilarious that people want illegal immigrants to be allowed to work and collect welfare and shit. They’re here illegally you morons! What’s the point of having an immigration process if we’re just going to say fuck it and let anybody in? What’s to stop terrorists from sneaking across the border?
-America’s global presence: Why? Fuck these other countries that can’t handle their own shit. We had to fight for our own independence, so why shouldn’t they? Like half of our military is abroad. If a foreign power were to attack our homeland, we’d probably be fucked. And I hear all this shit about the starving kids in Africa, but what about the starving kids right here in America? It should be illegal to adopt a child from overseas.
I hope this helps somewhat.
Second question. In your characterization of yourself, do you have any specific themes or trademarks you like to keep consistent? For example, often ranters like to pretend to be more ignorant and backwards than they really are, or have a running joke about a fetish or obsession.
The Grace Slick thing was a running joke, as is the Tarja Turunen thing. Watch out though, because Amy Lee of Evanescence is starting to look pretty damn hot…
Third question. An interview is a good time to talk to a writer out of character. Tell us something about yourself out of character, something about your life or love life, or lack there of, tell us about growing up or working or something we normally wouldn’t find on your site.
In person, I’m usually pretty chill, but I’m known to flip shit over pedantic things (kind of like what I tend to do on my site). Still, I’m usually the first person everyone seems to go to for advice or help in solving something. I’m also nowhere near as well-spoken as I am when I type. If you heard me talk normally, I’d probably come across as a wigger. That’s what growing up in the hood and going to public school does to you. I also tend to stutter or talk too fast at times.
As far as my love life goes, I’m extremely picky about who I’m with. I get random sluts hitting me up all the time, and it’s really frustrating, because I’m one of the few guys out there who doesn’t just want sex. Here’s a quote from a text message conversation with one of these skanks:
Her: So you know I’m not a slut
Me: And so you know I’m not the kind of guy who would use you for sex
Her: I wouldn’t mind if you were
She says she’s not a slut, then in the very next message says that she wouldn’t mind being used for just sex. …the fuck? I’m usually single because I have very high standards. I would rather go celibate than stick my dick in a skank like that. I fucked some random slut in the woods once and actually felt unclean afterward. On top of that, I learned a few months later that she had gotten herself pregnant. That’s one bullet I don’t want to have to dodge again. Any guy who has no self-control over his dick is a pussy.
Fourth question. What’s going on with The Phoenix or Vigilante or whatever it’s called today?
Shit is still being worked on behind the scenes. As I’ve said, I have an entire wiki on my site dedicated to the series. Even if you find though, I’ve set my .htaccess file to make it inaccessible to everyone but me, since it looks like a jumble of ideas and script fragments. I do have seasons 1 through 4 planned out, and an eventual series finale should I grow tired of doing the series. Don’t expect an episode or trailer any time soon. But since you asked, here’s a couple of script fragments I have.
This one’s from the first episode:
____________
AJ and Jennifer are walking through an urban park.
AJ: Jenny, I really had a great time tonight.
Jenny: Me too.
AJ and Jenny stop right next to a bridge and embrace each other. AJ takes Jenny’s hand, on which an engagement ring is visible.
AJ: Can you believe it baby? Just 7 more months.
Jenny smiles.
Jenny: Mrs. Jennifer Baker. Just thinking about that makes me smile from ear to ear.
AJ goes to kiss Jenny, but notices 4 Hispanic people watching them halfway across the bridge.
Jenny: What’s wrong?
AJ: Why are those guys watching us?
Jenny turns around, and gasps.
Jenny: They’re from 6th Street…
AJ: Shit!
AJ glances at the gang members, who are still watching them. He turns back to Jenny.
AJ: Okay, let’s pretend we don’t realize who they are, and just walk away.
Jenny: Okay…
AJ gives Jenny a peck on the lips, and they begin to walk back the way they came. AJ sneaks a quick glimpse of the gang members, who are still standing in the same spot, watching the couple leave.
AJ: Doesn’t look like they’re following us.
Jenny: Fucking Matt. I told him not to get involved with 6th Street.
AJ notices a cop (Hispanic male, tattoos on arm) walking in their direction.
AJ: Look, there’s a cop. We’re good now.
The cop walks right for them. AJ mutters under his breath to Jenny.
AJ: Aw great, we’re gonna get hassled for being out late. Like we’re fucking kids or-
The cop punches AJ. After a quick scuffle, AJ is thrown to the ground. The 4 gang members run towards the scene.
AJ: What the fuck is this?
The cop puts his gun to AJ’s head.
Cop: Shut it ese.
Two of the gang members grab Jenny and restrain her. Another one approaches with a knife.
Member 1: ‘ey puta, your brother didn’t pay up.
AJ: We’ve got nothing to do with Matt. Let us go.
The cop pistol whips AJ.
Cop: What’d I tell you? Shut the fuck up.
Member 1: What’re we gonna do about this, mami? Rico wants his money.
Jenny: But I don’t have any money!
___________
Here’s another, from an episode in Season 2:
____________
O’Connor: Your actions were reckless, and you’re very lucky to be alive right now.
AJ: Where have I heard that one before?
O’Connor: I watched the footage. Sloppy martial arts, haphazard shooting. You lack training and discipline.
AJ: Yeah? And where were your guys? I guess they were hidden so well that we didn’t see them, right?
O’Connor smacks AJ in the head. AJ gets up, ready to strike O’Connor back.
AJ: Who the fuck do you think you are?
O’Connor doesn’t budge.
O’Connor: Are you done being a smart ass?
AJ sits down, visibly angry.
O’Connor: We saw everything. You’re damn lucky you weren’t killed. You aren’t dealing with street punks anymore, Adam. You’ve just made yourself a very dangerous enemy. The Order of the Serpent is going to stop at nothing to kill you.
AJ: Let’em try! I’ll kill-
O’Connor: There you go again! That gung-ho cowboy bullshit gets people killed! You got lucky with that poorly-executed attack!
AJ: At least I did something!
O’Connor: Yes, you did something alright. You got in the way of our operation, made enemies with one of the deadliest terrorist organizations on the planet, and nearly exposed your friend here to the entire world!
Ned: You saw-
O’Connor: Yes, we saw that. I told you, we saw everything. Your antics jeopardized national security more than the Order’s! We had the situation under control until you came barging in uninvited, guns blazing like a bunch of tactless Rambos!
Sara: Um, you say you had things under control and were watching everything, so why didn’t you stop us before we made it in?
AJ: Because Sara, he’s obviously bluffing. Mr. “We had the situation under control!” here is upset that we went in and cleaned house while his super-secret government unit sat around with their thumbs up their asses. We made him look bad.
O’Connor: If I were you Adam, I’d do something about that mouth of yours. You just can’t keep it shut, can you?
AJ: And if I were you, I’d do something about your subordinates. They suck.
O’Connor: Adam, I’ve watched countless agents die in the line of duty because of arrogance like yours. You get a few victories under your belt, and all of the sudden you think you’re Superman.
Sara: I notice you didn’t answer my question…
O’Connor: Why we didn’t stop you? Because quite frankly we didn’t expect you to get into the building let alone clear it. What you did was impressive, albeit incredibly stupid and poorly executed. You’ve got potential.
AJ: So what are you trying to say?
O’Connor: I know all about you, Adam. What happened to your parents. What happened to Jennifer. I know about your “crusade”. I can help you. Training, funding, weapons. I can even offer you immunity from prosecution. Your actions will be justified as vital to national security. What happened with your District Attorney will never happen again.
AJ: What’s the catch?
O’Connor: You’d be on-call 24-7, and willing to go anywhere in the world that we send you.
AJ: And if I refuse your offer?
O’Connor: If you refuse, there is a team of heavily-armed government agents outside this room ready to arrest you for a multitude of crimes, the least of which is murder. You’ll most likely be given the death penalty.
O’Connor looks at the rest of the group.
O’Connor: ALL of you.
____________
Like I said, there’s a reason the wiki is private.
I’m working on it, very very slowly.
Fifth question. If we could collect one sound bite, one quote, one snippet, one final message for you to be remembered for all times, something that might go viral and infect all of humanity what would it be and why?
A ten-second clip of me screaming like Peewee Herman, because that would be fucking hilarious.
Sixth question. What inspires you most of the time? Do you read the papers/watch the news and just get pissed off? Do you run into idiots who demand your wrath daily? What is it like when you are seized by the desire to sit down and spew forth an article?
I actually had to stop reading the news because it was beginning to piss me off too much.
I work in retail, so I run into idiots every single day. The difference is, outside of work I have no qualms about speaking up and putting them in their place. People need to be called on their stupidity. How can we expect them to change if we just pat them on the ass and tell them it’s okay?
There’s a lot that pisses me off every day that I don’t write about, usually because I have a hard time turning it into something that makes sense to the reader.
Seventh question. Feel free not to answer this if you have political aspirations. Your about page describes you as pro-Constitution, define what that means to you, and how you feel constitutional values are being treated and/or how they can be restored?
Pro-Constitution is what it sounds like: You support the basic rights provided by the United States Constitution.
Don’t get me wrong, the Constitution is nowhere near perfect, and obviously the authors didn’t envision a lot of aspects of today’s society when they wrote it. But it’s supposed to be taken as the absolute law of the land, whether I agree with all of it or not. I think it could use a rewording to reflect modern times and eliminate all these needless controversies (for example, it’s very obvious that the Second Amendment was meant to allow the average citizen to own a gun, yet people still argue it), but there’s not a single person alive who I’d entrust that responsibility to (myself included).
As for restoring them, that’s up to the people how it’s done. Obviously the “proper” way (voting) is broken, thanks to the gullibility and apathy of the general public, but a violent revolution would be no better. Who’s to say some crazy extremist group wouldn’t overthrow the government and install a military dictatorship? Government is a tricky thing, and any system can be abused. I really have no advice on how to actually fix things, short of telling everybody to suddenly become spiritually-enlightened. The only thing we can do is allow the current system to crumble with time, and hope that the next system is better.
Eighth question. If you were on an uninhabited island with an endless supply of rot gut whiskey, paper, ink, and a typewriter what would they find when they found your island in the future?
My corpse, and a whole bunch of pages that say “HAHAHA PENIS 8==D”.
Question nine, you’ve expressed your desire to bang Katy Perry, how about Zooey Deschanel and Emily Blunt, all three are very similar looking ladies. Are they all pretty much the same because they all have similar bodies or does Katy Perry have something else that you find alluring? Personally, I have a fetish where I dress up like Michael Cera and I make my wife drink a whole bottle of sunny delight and sing me bad indie songs while I run around in a purple track suit putting deodorant on my legs, is that normal? Further more, explain how Grace Slick went from “White Rabbit” to “We Built This City On Rock and Roll.”
I’ve mistaken pictures of Zooey for Katy Perry on more than one occasion, and I have no idea who the hell Emily Blunt is. Zooey’s alright, but I’ll always remember her for how she looked in “The New Guy”, since that was the first movie I ever saw her in, and she looked nothing like Katy Perry. I’d choose Katy Perry though, mainly because Katy tends to look a bit more buxom than Zooey in the pictures I’ve seen.
As for Grace, because she’s a hippy, that’s why.
Last question. We tend to remember great insults, for example Churchill gave us: “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” Lincoln left us with: “He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.” Walter Kerr said: “He had delusions of adequacy.” Give us a good zinger to end this on.
“You’re a faggot!”