AJ vs the Hatersaurus – Part 1: Jurassic Punk

AJ vs The Hatersaurus

A totally-legit story about my encounter with the vicious Hatersaurus. This really happened.

“Your honor, I posit that the defendant is a liar and a cunt!”

It was 10:30 in the morning, and AJ had begun his deposition at the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial.

Very good friends for the last ten years, AJ had met Depp at a party at Charlie Sheen’s house. After a night of debauchery and sin involving the Bella twins, whipped cream, several bottles of Yukon Jack, and a comically misshapen carrot, the two became fast friends. When Johnny called AJ up the previous month and asked if he could provide a deposition at the trial, AJ was more than happy to oblige.  Mr. Depp’s anti-American political views left a lot to be desired, but he was an old friend in need of assistance, and AJ always has his homies’ backs. Also, when Captain Jack Sparrow requests your help you had damn well better help him.

The judge looked astounded at AJ’s opening statement, and even a little bit morally outraged.

“This is… I don’t… EXPLAIN YOURSELF, SIR!”

“If I may, your honor,” began AJ, “I would like to cite the study done by Dr. Andre R. Young of Compton University, which finds that bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks.”

The courtroom murmured in agreement. AJ continued his testimony.

“Further, how many people here can honestly say that they’ve HEARD of Amber Heard before this trial?”

AJ paused briefly while waiting for the courtroom to laugh at his rather clever play on the defendant’s last name. Nobody laughed, and several people awkwardly raised their hands to signify that they knew who Amber Heard was pre-trial. Idiots, AJ thought to himself, Idiots, plebes, and peasants.

He pressed on.

“And if that’s not enough, consider the fact that this man…” AJ pointed to Johnny- “…is Captain Jack Sparrow!”

“AND GELLERT GRINDELWALD!” screamed an obnoxious Harry Potter fan, never missing a chance to mention their fandom.

Others began chiming in.

“And Edward Scissorhands!”

“DONNIE BRASCO!”

“Fear and Loathing!”

The judge banged his gavel.

“Order, ORDER!”

As the crowd simmered down, the judge looked to AJ.

“Son, I don’t know who you are or where you come from, but that is without a doubt the most magnificent testimony that I have ever heard in my 30 years on the bench.”

The judge looked out to the crowd.

“I find in favor of Mr. Depp and award him $100 million in damages. I also find Ms. Heard guilty of being a liar and a cunt. Ms. Heard, you are hereby sentenced to 50 years of hard labor in the Siberian salt mines.”

The judge banged his gavel, and the entire courtroom erupted in thunderous applause.

“HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH!”

Even Amber Heard applauded the verdict, because AJ’s deposition was just that good. She promptly found herself at the business end of the bailiff’s nightstick.

The crowd filed out of the courtroom excitedly. AJ followed, stopping by the vending machine just outside the door. As Johnny exited the courtroom, he spotted AJ next to the vending machine holding two Dr. Peppers. The two friends shook hands and embraced in a passionate (but totally hetero) bro-hug.

“Good shit, Johnny.”

“Word, good looking out on that deposition homie.”

AJ handed Johnny a Dr. Pepper, smiling kindly.

“Bro, you know AJnet always takes care of our own.” AJ said. “When that bitch tried to defame you and ruin your good name, she forgot one thing.”

“I’M CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!” the two shouted in unison. A couple of nearby paralegals glanced over. AJ gave them the middle finger, and the two friends headed towards the doors of the courthouse. Johnny was expected to give a press conference following the end of the long and arduous trial, and no doubt the media and adoring public were gathered en masse at the bottom of the courthouse steps waiting to hear from the legendary actor.

AJ and Johnny stopped at the door.

“Alright Johnny, this is my stop. Cameras are your thing.”

Whereas Johnny had made his living in front of the cameras and the press, AJ was more of a “man-behind-the-curtain” type of guy. Plus, there was the small fact that AJ had said a lot of things over the years that had angered a lot of people. The less people that knew his face the better.

AJ and Johnny embraced again in another passionate (but still totally hetero) bro-hug. As AJ opened the door for Johnny he slapped him on the back.

“Go get’em Captain.”

Johnny nodded and stepped out to thunderous applause. AJ smiled warmly, then pulled out his phone. Scrolling through the contacts, he came to “Señor Juan”. Señor Juan was one of AJ’s oldest and closest friends. More importantly, Señor Juan was AJ’s ride. AJ dialed Juan. After a couple of rings, the Mexican answered.

“Hola amigo!”

“Yo Juan,” AJ responded, “I’m done here. You can come get me now.”

“Si señor, uno momento.”

AJ finished his Dr. Pepper, then headed for the roof of the courthouse. A moment later the whirring sound of the Huey filled the air as Juan brought the four-ton flying metal behemoth down gently on top of the courthouse. Bystanders on the ground looked up in confusion. Reasonable, considering the courthouse didn’t actually have a helipad. Even more reasonable, considering Juan was now playing with the hydraulics, causing the Huey to bounce around like a 1970 Monte Carlo at a Los Angeles lowrider meet.

Finally Juan stopped playing with the hydraulics, and AJ climbed aboard. He gave Juan a fist-bump.

“How did it go?” Juan asked in perfect English, because he was tired of overly-offended white people calling him a racist for comically using broken English.

“Flawless execution,” replied AJ as he buckled himself in and put his headset on. “Johnny’s a hundred million richer and Amber’s doing hard time in Siberia.”

“Siberia?” responded Juan, sounding slightly confused. “How’s that even work? Siberia’s in Russia, way outside of the judge’s jurisdiction.”

AJ smiled. “AJnet operatives everywhere, Juan. Everywhere.”

As the Huey began its ascent, AJ glanced down at the front of the courthouse. The scene was pure pandemonium. Cars were being flipped, small fires were burning, storefronts were being smashed, and Johnny was now wearing a pirate hat and standing atop a police cruiser. No doubt this was a victory celebration. The town of Fairfax had no idea what was about to hit it.

“This calls for some celebration music.”

AJ synced his phone to the Huey’s sound system and began searching Spotify for some Alestorm songs, but before he could select the first song (“Keelhauled”) the phone rang. AJ grumbled in annoyance and looked at the caller ID. No number, probably another stupid robocall about his car’s warranty. Making a mental note to bump the robocallers up another notch on his priority list, AJ hit “Ignore” and continued queuing up Alestorm songs.

The phone rang again. Again, AJ hit “Ignore” and continued selecting music.

“Wow, persistent assholes aren’t they?” commented Juan.

“For real. We’ll have to take a little trip down to Florida soon, I have it on good word that the guy behind these calls is-”

AJ was again rudely interrupted by the phone ringing.

“Oh that’s it.”

AJ answered the phone, ready to dish out an anger-induced verbal beatdown on whatever human he could get through to.

“Listen here you piece of fucking shit, I-”

“YOUSE A BITCH!”

AJ paused, confused by the gruff voice on the other end.

“Who the hell is this?”

“BIIIIIIIIIITCH!”

A deafening roar came from the line, almost like that of a dinosaur. AJ and Juan ripped their headsets off, their ears now ringing. Clearly this wasn’t a robocall and had nothing to do with AJ’s car warranty. AJ turned the volume down and cautiously put the headset back on.

“Could you say that again? I’m a little hard of hear-”

Another loud roar. Yep, definitely a dinosaur, AJ thought to himself.

“I’M COMING FOR YA ANGRY JERK!”

The line went dead. AJ turned to Juan.

“Alright, new plan,” AJ said, massaging his temples, “We’re heading down to Florida now.”

Juan raised an eyebrow.

“That was a robocaller?”

“No,” responded AJ, “it was a dinosaur.”

“They have dinosaurs in Florida now?”

“Just one,” smiled AJ. “He’s an old friend.”

Juan chuckled, then began turning the Huey around for their trip down south. AJ looked out the window as they again flew over Fairfax, VA. The town was now completely in flames, and AJ spotted several battalions of soldiers heading for the town, most likely in a vain attempt to restore order. AJ thought back to the days when he held release parties for new articles on his website, which usually led to Philadelphia descending into a state of anarchy and the mayor declaring martial law. Those were the days, AJ thought warmly, those were the fucking days.

He turned to Juan.

“Hey Juan.”

“Yeah?”

“Let’s stop and pick up some booze and snacks for the road.”

AJ glanced down at the town of Fairfax, and noticed the soldiers had now joined the crowd and were taking part in the celebration of Johnny Depp’s victory. He even thought he saw Johnny now dancing around atop a tank turret, but he wasn’t too sure. Could be any guy in a pirate hat.

“Er, we’ll wait until we’re a few towns over before we land though.”


The ride to Florida went smoothly, with the duo arriving in the town of West Palm Beach in just under three hours. A standard Bell UH-1 Iroquois had a range of 318 miles and a top speed of 127 MPH. Thanks to modifications made by Juan’s family, this particular Huey had an impressive range of 7,000 miles and a top speed of slightly under Mach 1. It also had hydraulics, as Juan frequently made sure everyone was aware of.

Juan brought the chopper down in a mall parking lot, much to the surprise of dozens of frightened patrons and several police officers. AJ got out and nodded to Juan.

“I’ll call you when I’m done.”

Juan nodded in affirmation, then flew off to go refuel. The police officers approached AJ with their guns drawn.

“HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, DON’T MOVE!”

AJ raised his hands compliantly, as any reasonable and intelligent person would do when confronted by several armed police officers.

“Hello there officers!” AJ said confidently. “Lovely day, isn’t it?”

“ON THE GROUND, ASSHOLE!”

AJ knelt down on the ground, complying with the request as any reasonable and intelligent person would do when confronted by several armed police officers. He wasn’t mad, this sort of thing was to be expected when you landed a helicopter in a mall parking lot. So long as he complied with the officers’ completely reasonable demands, AJ would be free within the next 15 minutes, most likely sooner depending on what lieutenant was currently on duty. An officer cuffed AJ and led him to the squad car. As another officer took AJ’s identification from his pocket and went to the computer to run it, the detaining officer began questioning.

“Mind telling me what the hell that was about, sir?”

AJ shrugged. “Sorry, didn’t see a helipad anywhere nearby.”

“Alright smart ass,” the officer said irritably, “let’s start with who you are and why you were in that helicopter.”

AJ looked to the cop currently running his ID. Any minute now…

“Name’s AJ,” said AJ politely. “I flew down here from Philly, I’m here to meet a dinosaur.”

The officer laughed.

“Alright, so you’re on drugs. Gotcha.”

The other officer returned with AJ’s ID and pulled his partner aside. The two spoke for a moment, glancing towards AJ.

“That’s… I don’t…”

The officers returned to AJ and immediately uncuffed him.

“Okay sir, you’re free to go. We apologize for the inconvenience.”

AJ grinned.

“No hard feelings, guys.”

AJ took his wallet and walked towards the nearby road. The officer turned to his partner.

“Who the hell was that guy?”

“We don’t need to know, and I don’t think we want to know.”

AJ smiled to himself. Operatives EVERYWHERE.


It was now 3 in the afternoon, and the sun was beating down on the streets of West Palm Beach like Ike Turner beating down on Tina (or Chris Brown beating down on Rihanna if you’re younger than 30). AJ still wasn’t one-hundred percent sure where he was going. He knew his old friend lived somewhere in West Palm Beach, but he didn’t have an address or even a general location for that matter. Sure, he could contact a local operative at the DMV to get the information, but AJ didn’t like the idea of violating his friend’s privacy. Even if that friend had practically rendered him deaf with an obnoxious prank phone call.

As AJ wiped the sweat from his brow, he spotted a 7-Eleven further up the road. Oh thank heaven, AJ thought to himself sarcastically, I could use a bottle of Dr. Pepper and some food. Being from Philly, AJ was more of a Wawa guy, but he wasn’t sure where the nearest Wawa in Florida was, and since the 7-Eleven was right there it would have to do.

AJ went inside and grabbed a bottle of Dr. Pepper from the cooler. He then headed to the food warmer and picked the least disgusting thing he could find, which was a hotdog that was, according to the label, prepared several hours earlier. I’m probably gonna get sick, but whatever.

After paying for his Dr. Pepper and “food”, AJ went outside and prepared to ingest a quarter pound of E. Coli. Before he could take a bite, something slammed into him from behind. The hotdog fell to the ground, most likely for the better. AJ turned around, furious.

“Hey fuckstick, watch where you’re-”

The culprit was an obese man in a power scooter. AJ paused, contemplating if he should show compassion for this “disabled” person. The person rammed into AJ again, and AJ no longer contemplated showing compassion.

“Yo tubby, the fuck’s your problem?”

“Gimme yer soda,” the man grunted.

“What?”, AJ replied, astounded by the man’s gumption. “No, go fuck yourself fat ass.”

“I said gimme yer soda,” the man grunted again. “My sugar’s low.”

AJ laughed.

“Yeah, sure pal.”

AJ gave the man the middle finger and began to walk back towards the 7-Eleven to get another disgusting hotdog. Before he could make it to the doors, several more obese people on power scooters zipped up seemingly from nowhere and blocked the door. AJ looked around nervously, then looked to the cashier, who simply locked the door and pretended not to see what was unfolding outside his store.

“What the hell is this?” AJ asked, trying to hide his fear.

“My sugar’s low, gimme yer soda.”

More obese people on power scooters poured into the parking lot. AJ counted at least two dozen, possibly more. Were these people really about to rob him for a bottle of Dr. Pepper?

“You must be that Florida Man guy I’m always hearing ab-OW!”

The group began bumping AJ with their power scooters.

“Hey, knock it off, that hurts- OW, GODDAMNIT!”

“My sugar’s low, gimme yer soda,” the obese man repeated in an almost trance-like manner.

AJ attempted to push his way through the crowd, but this proved to be futile. There was no way he was moving that gelatinous mass. The group of obese power-scooter riders continued their vehicular assault.

“Soda…”

“Gimme…”

“Sugar’s low…”

AJ went down, and the scooters continued ramming into him. As AJ covered his face, he heard stomping followed by a loud roar. The scooters stopped their assault, and AJ looked up just in time to see a large tyrannosaurus rex devouring one of the obese people. Several power scooters tried to flee, only to be thrown with a mighty sweep of the dinosaur’s tail. The cashier inside the 7-Eleven had finally decided to take notice at the chaos unfolding outside, and was hiding behind the counter fearing for his life.

As the t-rex devoured an obese woman with magenta hair and glasses, AJ picked himself up. He looked at the dinosaur, smiling.

“About damn time, Brex.”

The t-rex turned to AJ.

“Sup?”

AJ extended his hand, then remembered that t-rexes have notoriously short arms and pulled back. Brex laughed.

“Long time no see AJ,” Brex said. “What’s new?”

“Not much bro, how’s the wife and job?”

“Great man! Just got another promotion at work, I’m almost at six figures. We’ll be buying a house soon.”

AJ smiled. “Good shit, Brex. Happy for you.”

“Hey man, you wanna come back to my place for dinner?”

“Hell yeah!” AJ exclaimed. He was hungry, and anything was better than a 7-Eleven hotdog.


The two began walking. Or in Brex’s case, stomping. He was a giant dinosaur after all.

“So what brings you down to Florida?”

AJ pulled out his phone and waved it at Brex.

“Got your call, figured you might’ve wanted something.”

Brex gave a confused look.

“Call? I didn’t call you.”

AJ stopped.

“Dude, come on. The caller was obviously a dinosaur. You’re the only dinosaur I know.”

Brex laughed.

“Wasn’t me, seriously.”

“Bullshit,” AJ replied sharply. “I get a prank call from a dinosaur and you’re telling me it wasn’t you?”

AJ looked Brex in the eyes, attempting to ascertain whether or not he was telling the truth. After a moment, AJ sighed. It was obvious Brex was telling the truth.

“Alright, if it wasn’t you, then who could it have been?”

“Dunno,” Brex shrugged. “Some other dinosaur?”

“You know any other dinosaurs?”

“Nah man, sorry.”

“Well fuck.”

AJ began to brainstorm.

“You think it’s someone from the old days? Michael Bradshaw maybe?”

Brex shook his head. “Doubt it, my dude. When’s the last time you even heard from that guy?”

“Guess that also eliminates Alban Abendroth.”

AJ had made many enemies during his time writing for his website, but he hadn’t heard anything from any of them in over ten years. It was unlikely that any old enemies had suddenly resurfaced looking for vengeance. AJ hadn’t really been writing for the site all that much recently, so it was also unlikely that he had made a new enemy.

Sure, he was the mastermind behind a global network of operatives that had managed to shake up the world, but as far as he knew he had done this anonymously. Most AJnet operatives didn’t even really know they were AJnet operatives. As far as they knew, someone whispered an idea into their ear, and it really made sense when they thought about it. AJnet was quite possibly the best-kept secret in the entire world, and since AJ hadn’t noticed any talk of AJnet on Reddit or 4chan it was safe to assume that it was still the best-kept secret.

While AJ continued to ponder the identity of his new nemesis, his phone rang. AJ read the caller ID. The name “Frosty Mugg” appeared on the screen, along with a picture of a rather intoxicated man holding a mug of beer and smiling.

“Ugh, what’s this alkie want?”

AJ answered the phone.

“Kinda busy Frosty, what’s up?”

There was a loud slamming noise on the other end, followed by a roar. A voice slurred loudly, trying to yell over the chaos in the background.

“AYYYYYYYYYY JAYYYYYYYYY!”

AJ shook his head. He turned to Brex and used his fingers to imitate shooting himself in the head with a gun.

“What do you want, Frosty?”

“AJ, buddy, pal!” Frosty slurred. “You need to get back here dude, shit’s going down!”

More loud slamming noises, and another roar. Whatever was happening where Frosty was, it wasn’t good.

“What the hell’s going on over there Frosty?”

“This giant dinosaur, dude! This giant fucking dinosaur-” Frosty paused for a moment, and AJ knew he was taking another swig of his beer, “-it’s tearing apart your street, and it’s yelling your name!”

Another loud roar in the background, followed by the same voice that had called earlier.

“OHHHHHHHH AJ! COME OUT AND PLAY!”

AJ looked at Brex, now completely sure that his friend was telling the truth about not being the one behind the prank call.

“Frosty, I need you to get video of the dinosaur. Record the video then send it to me. I’m calling Juan, I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”

“Oh, Señor Juan? How’s he been? How’s his advice column-”

“Record the video Frosty, I’ve gotta go.”

“Man this is some lazy writing-”

AJ hung up and looked to Brex.

“Gonna have to take a rain check on that dinner, fam.”

“Everything good?”

AJ shook his head.

“Looks like my new dino buddy just took things to the next level. I’ve gotta get back to Philly ASAP.”

The mighty Tyrannosaurus Brex (see what I did there?) leaned down.

“You need my help?”

AJ paused for a moment, pondering the logistics of transporting the 40 foot-long 6 ton behemoth from Florida to Philly by helicopter. The Huey was good, but it wasn’t that good. Brex would be highly useful here, but the sad reality was that transporting a t-rex over one thousand miles up the east coast was all but impossible. Turning to Brex, AJ shook his head regretfully.

“Nah man, I can’t ask you to fight my battle for me.”

“Are you sure?” Brex asked. “I don’t mind helping a homie.”

AJ shook his head again. “I appreciate the offer but it’s cool, I’ve got this.”

He patted Brex on his thigh (no homo tho).

“Thanks for the clutch save, bud.”

“No problem at all!” Brex roared. “AJnet for life, fam!”

“For life, fam”, replied AJ. “Anytime you wanna kick it on Splitgate or something you know where to find me. Give the wife my best.”

“Will do, homie. Good luck on your dinosaur problem.”

“Thanks man,” AJ replied nervously, “I think I’m gonna need it.”

With that, Brex turned and began stomping home. Since it was Florida, nobody looked twice at the giant dinosaur making his way down the sidewalk. Insanity was routine in the Sunshine State, and those who weren’t part of it learned to keep their heads down, go about their business, and not ask too many questions.

AJ watched Brex stomp past some geriatrics riding a golf cart, then pulled out his phone to call Juan. He glanced at his surroundings, and spotted an abandoned wharf nearby. As he headed towards the wharf, he called Juan, informed him that they must head back to Philly, and gave directions for a wharf-side pick-up. As AJ waited for Juan at the edge of the run-down wharf, he glanced at a sign. ADM Fisher’s Fisherman’s Wharf. “Wonder what happened to that guy,” AJ muttered to himself.

Several moments later, the Huey lowered itself next to the wharf. AJ jumped in and buckled up. He threw on his headset, and Juan took off full-throttle.

AJ pulled out his phone, hoping Frosty had been functional enough to at least attempt to record the dinosaur terrorizing his street. No new messages. Fuck, AJ thought to himself.

Frosty Mugg was what one might call a “semi-functioning alcoholic”, constantly inebriated and highly impulsive. It was this impulsiveness that led Frosty to not only purchase a website, ImFeelingFrosty.com, but to also pay some local community college creative writing students thousands of dollars to create content for it. Needless to say, the site didn’t quite work out, and Frosty was forced to abandon it. Whenever AJ inquired as to how exactly Frosty (who was jobless) could afford to throw money around while still paying rent and other expenses, Frosty would babble something about “the Worthington family” and refuse to elaborate further. AJ had never heard of a “Worthington family”, so he just assumed that Frosty was receiving disability checks or some other form of governmental assistance.

Frosty also had the very unique distinction of being the only person in the state of Pennsylvania (and possibly the entire world) to be ordered by the court system to be intoxicated at all times. This was due to a mishap several years ago where Frosty lost a bet with a friend and was forced to go sober for an entire year. During that year, Frosty degenerated into complete insanity, travelling around the world committing acts of depravity and destruction not seen since World War 2. It was said that Frosty was banned from the entirety of the Asian continent, and that the damage done to the East Timorese and Bosnian economies might take several decades to reverse. Upon his return to the United States, Frosty was arrested and ordered by a judge to maintain a BAC level of no less than 0.12%, lest he become sober and turn into a violent lunatic again. To enforce this, a team of six police officers were assigned to randomly give Frosty sobriety checks, the “Sober Police” as Frosty called them. If Frosty blew under a 0.12 on the breathalyzer, the officers would make him drink a six pack to ensure intoxication.

AJ sighed. The only reason he even associated with Frosty was because of Juan. At one point Frosty had hired on Juan as an advice columnist for his website. When Frosty’s website went under, Juan expressed interest in doing an advice column on AJ’s site, which AJ gladly obliged because Juan was actually quite good at giving advice. It was during this exchange that Juan introduced AJ to Frosty. Frosty also expressed interest in writing for AJ’s site, to which AJ reluctantly agreed. Unfortunately (or fortunately in this case), Frosty never completed a single article, and was completely unreliable for anything much more than half-assed slurred excuses about why he kept creating empty drafts in WordPress with riveting titles such as “Are YOU feeling Frosty?”, “Holiday in Cambodia?”, “I miss you Chantou, please come back from Cambodia”, and “Edwin sucks!”.

Just as he began to accept that Frosty probably forgot his task the second he hung up the phone, AJ received a message. Son of a bitch, the drunk idiot came through! AJ opened the attached video and watched as a giant tail and set of clawed feet rampaged up and down his street, while Frosty provided drunken semi-coherent color commentary.

“WOAH DUDE, HOLY SHIT! IT’S A REMAKE OF JURASSIC PARK! RIGHT HERE ON AJ’S STREET!”

The camera turned, bringing Frosty’s beer into frame. AJ groaned. Why do I put up with this asshole?

After taking a swig of beer, the camera reoriented, now managing to catch the top half of the dinosaur. AJ had seen Brex wear a No Fear shirt before, but this dinosaur’s get-up looked even more ridiculous. The dinosaur was wearing a white Snapback hat with purple shutter shades and a gold chain. AJ had no idea what the hell he was looking at, much less who the hell the dinosaur was or why the hell they were angry with him.

The dinosaur turned directly to Frosty, aware he was being filmed.

“AJ YOU BIATCH, WHERE YOU AT?”

He let out a mighty roar.

“Woah dude,” Frosty slurred, “say it don’t spray it!”

The dinosaur grunted.

“WHAT’S THE MATTER ANGRY JERK, TOO BITCHMADE TO FACE ME?”

“Yeah AJ!” Frosty exclaimed. “Don’t be bitchmade! Hey, what’s bitchmade mean-”

The dinosaur roared again.

“MEET ME AT THE LINC AT MIDNIGHT ANGRY JERK! LET’S SETTLE THIS!”

As the dinosaur stomped off, Frosty turned the camera to himself.

“Wow, what a hatersaurus! Hey, you should use that as the title of this story-”

AJ stopped the video, not wanting to hear another one of Frosty’s signature “fourth-wall breaking” diatribes. Juan glanced over.

“So what’s the plan, amigo?”

AJ looked at the dinosaur’s face.

“I have no idea who this guy is, Juan. I have no idea who he is or why he wants to fight me.”

“It’s like Frosty said,” replied Juan, “Some people are just hatersauruses.”

AJ scowled. “Maybe, but this Jurassic punk is biting off more than he can chew.”

In an attempt to take his mind off the current situation, AJ put on some music. As he hit the shuffle button on Spotify, “POWER” by Kanye West came on. AJ hummed along to the lyrics.

I’m living in that 21st century
Doing something mean to it
Do it better than anybody you ever seen do it
Screams from the haters, got a nice ring to it
I guess every superhero need his theme music

AJ paused.

“Wait a minute…”

He replayed the opening lyrics again.

Screams from the haters, got a nice ring to it

AJ smiled, an idea forming in his mind. If anyone knew how to handle a hatersaurus, it was AJ’s boy Ye. Unbeknownst to most, Kanye West was actually a high-ranking AJnet operative, and nowhere near as stupid as he pretended to be when talking to the press. How else could he have produced such great albums as Late Registration and Graduation? I’m being totally serious here, those were great albums and if you disagree you can go fuck yourself.

AJ pulled up Kanye’s tour schedule. Currently Yeezy was in Nashville, and was scheduled to go on stage in two hours. Which meant AJ had plenty of time to consult him for some quality hater-handling advice.

“Juan, I need you to make a quick stop. It’s on the way.”

“Where to?” Juan asked.

“Nashville,” grinned AJ. “This east coast playa needs a little help from the West side.”

To be continued in “AJ vs the Hatersaurus, Part 2: The REX-ONING”!