DDR and Guitar Hero: Fail and Fail’s slightly-less ugly sister


DDR and Guitar Hero suck.

If you’ve ever been to your local mall, you probably already know what kind of vermin it’s plagued with. Should you stumble upon the arcade, 9 times out of 10, you’ll see a Dance Dance Revolution machine. The only people that usually play it are the 15 year old try-hard goths who dress like retards. I was going to post a picture from Google Images here to show you what I meant, but I couldn’t find one. Let’s keep it that way, please. Before I go too far, I want to bring up one thing that pisses me off with goths and goth-wannabes. STOP USING THE FUCKING PENTAGRAM IF YOU’RE NOT WICCAN/PAGAN OR HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH SATAN. It boils my blood to see bands like SlipKnot using pentagrams, but then claiming to not be either. The same goes for rebellious teenagers. You know nothing about Satanism, either the Anton LaVey bullshit or the urban-myth sacrificing goats and babies version. Whenever I see one of these assholes:


“Please, punch me in the ovaries!”

I want to revoke their right to live. Don’t get me wrong though, I’ve seen some hot goth chicks. For example, I’d rail this bitch like sex was going out of style:


“I sure hope AJ puts this picture on his website!”

Anyway, these are the kind of tards that play DDR. I made the mistake of dating a chick (who wasn’t a goth) who enjoyed playing this game. Thankfully she owned it at her house, so I was able to practice somewhat. We went to the mall one night with her friend and her friend’s boyfriend, who’s actually a pretty cool guy. After parting the sea of angsty rebellious teens and waiting like a year for the assholes on the machine to lose, I was forced into facing the guy. I was used to playing on easy, and the lowest setting on this machine was normal. Of course I got my ass handed to me. I think I only hit 10 of the arrows. And the whole time, these goth fucks were sniggering at me. There wasn’t much I could do, because what kind of insult can you throw at someone who wants you to insult them? They get off on normal people like you and I calling them freaks. I had barely gotten my feet off the mat thing when the same one who had just played before me was trying to get back on it. I accidentally tripped him and he accidentally bumped his head on those handlebar things on the sides of the mat. I also accidentally made out with his girlfriend and was accidentally seen by my own girlfriend, who then accidentally dumped me.

Another thing these people do that pisses me off is when they’re not playing and they stand behind someone who is playing, then imitate the foot motions. We get it, faggot. DDR is your life and you don’t get beat up enough in school. Now fix your hair, lose the make-up and excessive piercings, and ditch the combat boots that you tuck your $50 UFO pants in to. You look like a freak, and not in a good way. You talk about how you want to be different and not conform to society’s standards, but how are you any different from the other 216 freaks in the mall that hang out at Hot Topic? Hot Topic needs to fall victim to the collapsing economy ASAP.

Thankfully I have yet to see a Guitar Hero machine at the mall arcade. I’ve played Guitar Hero, and for the most part, it’s okay. Like the slightly less ugly sister of that ugly girl everyone knows.

Unfortunately, the people who play it aren’t (See: Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy 7). I like the idea that this game is turning today’s youth on to some of the better older music, but I’m getting sick of seeing 50 bajillion comments on music videos on YouTube consisting of “OMG DIS WUZ IN GUITAR HERO!!!!!!” It’s not even like the last comment stating that was buried on the next page or something. These people are knowingly posting the same tripe over and over AND OVER AND OVER. Knock it off you retarded hangturds. I hope someone creates a program that I can use to hijack your YouTube accounts so I’m never subjected to your bullshit again.

I know any DDR-tards reading this are probably dismissing this as me being jealous that they’re better at DDR than me. Yeah, I’m jealous of you. Hey, can you tell your girlfriend to stop throwing my girlfriend dirty looks when we walk past you in the mall? It’s making her feel kind of uncomfortable.


Hailing from the fine village of Northeast Philadelphia, AJ has been creating content on the internet for over 15 years. None of it has really been funny or entertaining, but he keeps trying anyway. Maybe he's bored, maybe he's drunk, maybe he's both.