I work with a bunch of idiots.
In fact, there’s only two people in the entire place that aren’t dumbasses: Me, and the sexy manager lady. Oh, and I guess the 70-some year old lady isn’t stupid either. But everyone else has the intelligence of a fucking stump.
My boss is ALWAYS blaming shit on the sexy manager lady, and on me. He’ll order an entire case of spinach (8 bags) because he thinks it’s cheaper than buying just one bag. He did this in early March. We still have 5 bags of spinach sitting in the refrigerator box. Of course, it was my fault for not using it up as fast as I could, and the sexy manager lady’s fault for not making sure I did. That’s why I’ve devised a fool-proof plan for saving the sexy manager lady’s ass. I now just blame Tibor, the “tall guy with the funny accent that was fired last week.” My boss complains that Sexy Manager Lady ordered too many turkey breasts? “Sir, it wasn’t her. It was Tibor!” “Who?” “You know, Tibor? The tall guy with the funny accent you fired last week?” My boss is kind of stupid, so it’s not hard to convince him that there was actually a guy named Tibor he fired. Here’s a quick chart depicting how this works:
Yes, I look like T.J. from Recess:
Except my hair is dark brown and my hat is black.
But my one coworker, we’ll call him Tom, is an idiot. He has no idea how to properly pass the blame to Tibor. Like this one time when he came to work hung over and doped up on Xanax, and burnt the shit out of a customer’s bacon. He tried to tell my boss that Tibor burnt the guy’s bacon that morning. WRONG WRONG WRONG! Tibor is ALWAYS the guy the boss fired last week. He should have just told my boss the customer was a skinhead, and my boss would’ve been like “LOL J00 PWN3D T3H NAZI!!!!11111ONEONEONEELEVENONE”
Then there’s the dishwasher, Patrick. Basically, he’s like a black version of Boomhauer from King of the Hill. All he does is babble incoherently, and you can never understand him. “RABBLE RABBLE New England Patriots RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE never seeing that girl again man RABBLE.” When football season was going on, all he would talk about was the New England Patriots and their quarterback Tom Brady. Now all he blabbers about is some hooker in the ghetto who always gets him for his money. Every week, he says the same thing: “I’m never seeing that girl again man!” Yet he always ends up getting ripped off by this girl. I swear to you, this man truly thinks that he’s having an actual relationship with this hooker. Then again, this is the guy who will bust his ass doing two hours of work off the clock for a $2 scratch-off lottery ticket.
My boss is so cheap, our entire staff consists of 11 people. And for all it’s worth, he might as well have just me and Sexy Manager Lady. The rest of the employees just stand around playing with their dicks/pussies all day. I pretty much do all of Tom’s work for him short of actually working the grill, something I refuse to do. “Hey AJ, I need homefries cut for tomorrow!” “Hey AJ, crack me eggs!” “Hey AJ, can you tie my shoes for me?” I always pass the tasks to Patrick, who fucks them up and tries to blame Tibor. The only problem is, nobody can understand him, so it sounds like he’s blaming Al Gore. My boss is a hardcore Republican though, so he always agrees with Patrick and things work out.
Sexy Manager Lady is so fucking hot. Imagine Iron Maiden’s The Trooper and The Dead Kennedys’ California Über Alles taking the form of women and having lesbian sex. Now multiply the hotness by like a billion, and that’s how hot Sexy Manager Lady is. Yeah, she’s in her early 40’s and has two kids, one who’s a few years older than me. But so what? She’s still drop-dead sexy. Sexy Manager Lady is to beauty as Anthony Hopkins is to Hannibal Lecter.
I’ve gotta go play with my dick. See y’all.