Xyzabcrst is confused by the human holiday Easter.
In February of 2023, an unidentified flying object was shot down over Lake Huron and retrieved by the US military. Its sole occupant, an extraterrestrial biological entity named Xyzabcrst, was taken to an undisclosed military facility codenamed “The Grotto” and interviewed by base personnel. The transcripts of these interviews have been provided by an AJnet Organization operative working inside a three letter agency.
The following is a transcript of an interview with Xyzabcrst about the holiday of Easter.
Major: It is currently 0943 on April 9th, 2023. Myself and Lieutenant [NAME REDACTED] are here with Xyzabcrst. How are you feeling this morning, Xyzabcrst?
Xyzabcrst: You shot down my craft, have imprisoned me underneath [LOCATION REDACTED], and routinely pester me with stupid questions. How do you think I feel?
Major: You aren’t our prisoner, we went over this before, remember?
Xyzabcrst: Oh? Am I free to go then? May I walk out the front door of your base?
Major: No, but-
Xyzabcrst: Then I’m your prisoner.
Major sighs.
Lieutenant: Do you have anything in particular you’d like to discuss with us in this session?
Xyzabcrst: Yes. Please explain to me this holiday called Easter.
Major: Easter is a holiday celebrated by a religion on Earth called “Christianity”.
Xyzabcrst: Obviously. What is the point of it?
Major: It’s meant to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. You know who he is, right?
Xyzabcrst: Yes, the human who was supposedly sent to Earth by your creator deity to be killed by your species and absolve them of their sins. A perfectly sensible plan.
Major: According to religious lore, Jesus came back to life. His followers celebrate that day by attending church services and getting together for large meals.
Xyzabcrst: I see. So what part of your religious lore covers the giant anthropomorphic rabbit who lays chocolate eggs?
Major: Do you mean the Easter Bunny?
Xyzabcrst: Yes. I’ve been observing your planet for a significant amount of time and I have never come across a rabbit that is the size of a human and lays eggs.
Lieutenant: The Easter Bunny isn’t-
Xyzabcrst: Your rabbits do eject round objects from their backside that are similar to chocolate in color, but it is not chocolate. Your scientists have confused the excretion of solid bodily waste with laying eggs made of a sugary dessert. And somehow you still call yourselves an intelligent species.
Major: I think you misunderstood something. The Easter Bunny isn’t real. It’s a story we tell our children.
Xyzabcrst: You tell your children stories about giant rabbits that break into homes and lay chocolate eggs in baskets for them to eat?
Lieutenant: Well when you put it like that-
Major: The rabbit doesn’t lay the chocolate eggs, he just carries them and brings them to children.
Lieutenant: What? No, the Easter Bunny definitely lays the eggs.
Major: That’s not the version my parents told me.
Xyzabcrst: Whenever you two are finished-
Lieutenant: Your parents told you the wrong version then. The Easter Bunny used to be a bird, that’s why she can lay eggs.
Major: “Used to be a bird”? What the hell kind of childhood did you have? And what do you mean “she”? The Easter Bunny is male!
Lieutenant: That doesn’t make sense, why would a male lay eggs?
Major: Oh, that’s the part that doesn’t make sense to you? How about the part about a rabbit laying chicken eggs? Does that make sense to you?
Lieutenant: Chicken eggs? I thought it was choc-
Xyzabcrst: THAT IS ENOUGH!
Xyzabcrst is breathing heavily, visibly distressed.
Xyzabcrst: This holiday of yours makes no sense. Your creator sends you his son, who your species proceeds to kill. Three days later, your creator’s son comes back to life. Your species celebrates this event by telling your young stories of a giant rabbit that brings them eggs, and allowing them to eat hazardous amounts of sweets. This holiday, Easter, makes sense to you?
Major: Our world has celebrated it for almost two thousand years.
Xyzabcrst: And that means it makes sense?
Major: No, but-
Xyzabcrst: Then why do you celebrate Easter?
There is silence for one minute and twenty-six seconds, then the recording abruptly ends.