United States military personnel interview Xyzabcrst, an extraterrestrial biological entity from the Zeta Reticuli system.
In February of 2023, the US Air Force shot down an unidentified flying object over Lake Huron. The object was retrieved, and its sole occupant was captured alive and taken to an undisclosed military facility codenamed “The Grotto”.
The occupant, an extraterrestrial biological entity named Xyzabcrst, was interviewed multiple times by military personnel. The Xyzabcrst Files are a series of transcripts of those interviews, and have been provided to AJnet by an AJnet operative working inside a three letter agency.
The following is a transcript of personnel’s first interview with Xyzabcrst, establishing the being’s name, origin, and purpose for visiting Earth.
Major: It is presently 1854 hours on February 15th, 2023. United States Air Force Major [NAME REDACTED] along with United States Army Lieutenant [NAME REDACTED], currently at the Grotto to interview a biological entity retrieved from a shot-down aerial vehicle of unknown origin.
Entity has been measured at 4’9″ and 78.6 lbs. Entity is observed to have eggshell white skin. Entity is bipedal similar to a human, with two arms and two legs. The arms have six digits on each hand, the feet two digits each. Entity has a large bulbous head with two large black eyes and no visible pupils. Entity also appears to have visible nostrils and a mouth.
We are now going to attempt verbal communication with the entity.
Can you communicate with us?
Xyzabcrst: Yes.
Major: Very good. Do you have a name?
Xyzabcrst: My real name is incapable of being pronounced with your limited vocal capability, so you may call me “Xyzabcrst”.
Major: “Xyzabcrst”. Okay.
Lieutenant: How are you communicating with us right now? Your mouth isn’t moving but we can hear you.
Xyzabcrst: My species possesses the ability to convert our brain waves into an externally audible form. Your species calls it “telepathy”.
Major: You have a mouth. Are you capable of vocalization using that?
Xyzabcrst opens its mouth and emits a variety of sounds similar to a trumpet. The noise is unpleasant. After 10 seconds Xyzabcrst closes its mouth.
Xyzabcrst: Does that answer your question?
Major: Yes, thank you for that.
Lieutenant: You speak really good English. How did you learn our language?
Xyzabcrst: I have observed a lot of your communications, such as your radio and television. Your language is simple and very easy to learn.
Major: You can hear our broadcasts?
Xyzabcrst: Of course I can. This entire section of the galaxy can. Your planet isn’t exactly quiet.
Major: Others can detect our radio waves?
Xyzabcrst: Did you not understand me the first time? Yes, others can detect your radio waves. You’re blasting them out in all directions, they’re impossible to ignore.
Lieutenant: You sound upset by this.
Xyzabcrst: Why wouldn’t I be? The entire community is. Your planet is the equivalent of a screaming child in a restaurant. Everyone is annoyed by you, everyone wishes you would shut up, but nobody wants to be impolite and come tell you to shut up.
Major: Is that why you’ve come here? To tell us to shut up?
Xyzabcrst: No. I am here on a reconnaissance directive for another race.
Major: Reconnaissance directive? So you’re a scientist?
Xyzabcrst: No. I have been directed to observe your planet’s military capabilities and report my findings back to another race, located in the star system you refer to as “Thuban”.
Major: And what star system does your own race reside in?
Xyzabcrst: You know it as “Zeta Reticuli”. It is a binary star sy-
Lieutenant: Zeta Reticuli doesn’t have any exopl-
Xyzabcrst: DO NOT INTERRUPT ME!
Xyzabcrst is breathing heavily, its head is pulsating. It appears visibly distressed at being interrupted.
Lieutenant: I apologize. Please continue.
Xyzabcrst: I am from the binary star system you know as Zeta Reticuli. Your race mistakenly believes that there are no planets in this system. This belief is untrue, and is a result of your race’s lack of intelligence. The planets are there, your scientists would see them if they stopped screaming into space like helpless infants.
Major: You say our radio waves are disruptive. Why exactly do they bother you so much?
Xyzabcrst: Does a screaming child bother you?
Major: Not always.
Xyzabcrst: Perhaps you are too stupid to be bothered by loud and excessive noise. We however are not. Your planet endlessly broadcasts its trash into space, and our receivers pick it up. How many “real housewives” does your planet have, and why are they all disgusting, loud, and angry?
Lieutenant: Those are television shows designed for entertainment.
Xyzabcrst: Your species finds it entertaining to watch such degeneracy? No wonder you haven’t made it beyond your own moon.
There is an audible rustling of paper.
Major: Alright Xyzabcrst, that’s enough for now. We will return with more questions in a little while.
Xyzabcrst: Yes, and I’m sure they’ll all be just as riveting as your last questions were.
Major: Are there any special accommodations you would like us to provide? Do you require food or water or any form of sustenance?
Xyzabcrst: Not presently. However, I would like a television and access to your communications network that you call “the internet”.
Major: I’ll arrange those for you. In the meantime you will be escorted to your living quarters by [NAME REDACTED] and [NAME REDACTED], two members of our security personnel.
Xyzabcrst: Joy, more idiots.
Major: Okay, this concludes our first interview with the extraterrestrial biological entity named Xyzabcrst.
End recording.