This is the story of a man who bought concert tickets, and received 15 emails.
This past Friday I went to see Avatar.
No, not that over-hyped over-budgeted piece of crap by James Cameron. Is that thing even still in theaters?
I’m talking about the Swedish metal band AVATAR, fronted by phenomenal showman Johannes Eckerström. Holy shit, what a show. Most bands just get up on stage, pretend like they give a shit about your city, play their songs, then leave. Not Avatar. These guys put on a motherfucking SHOW. In the middle of the concert, the drummer and a stagehand with major plumber crack had a random dance-off to EDM music, then out of nowhere Johannes is up on the balcony making balloon animals for the audience. Seriously, this band kicks ass, and I’m glad I went to this concert. If you were at the Avatar show Friday night in Philly and you saw a guy with a painted eye rocking a Hatsune Miku shirt and a D-Generation X hat, that was me:
I wasn’t even going to go. My friend kept hounding me for two months to go to this show with him, but I kept refusing because, while I liked Avatar, I didn’t like them enough to justify buying a ticket and standing in line for hours to be on the rail (if you ever want rail at a concert just line up three or four hours before a show, works nearly every time). Plus, the concert was the day before the AJnet Memorial Day Weekend Jamboree, a three-day nonstop party for AJnet employees hosted at my place that usually ends with angry neighbors and law enforcement telling us three days is enough and to knock it off. A man needs time to prep for a party like that.
After being asked to go for the umpteenth time, I said “Fuck it, I’ll go” and bought the tickets from StubHub.
And that’s when the barrage of emails began.
It started out innocently enough, with a confirmation of my order and the assurance that the seller (some lady named Angela) would transfer my tickets to me by the day before the concert.
The next email came from Ticketmaster, informing me that my tickets were sent. Strange, I thought Ticketmaster and StubHub were competitors, but whatever, as long as I got my tickets I didn’t care. After resetting my password for Ticketmaster, I logged in and “confirmed” my tickets.
What I really did though was open the flood gates and unleash a tidal wave of bullshit emails not only from Ticketmaster, but also StubHub and Live Nation.
Ticketmaster puts a hold on your tickets until a few days before the show, allegedly to prevent scalping or whatever bullshit excuse they give for doing that. I was to receive my tickets on Tuesday. Between the time I purchased my tickets and the time I was able to actually view them, I received nine fucking emails about stupid bullshit, like upcoming shows at the venue, reminders that the venue has rules, instructions to check my tickets, and a bunch of other annoying shit that wasn’t my fucking tickets.
As I write this, it’s currently May 30th (I don’t always put these articles up right away). After the show, I continued to receive nonsense emails asking me for reviews of the venue and pictures of the concert. I didn’t take any pictures you fucking vultures, I was busy enjoying the damn show. Unlike most of the other people there, who spent the entire show recording it instead. I hate when people have their phones up for the entire show, it’s obnoxious and a great way to ensure I “accidentally” bump into you and knock your phone to the ground.
After the show, I got another six emails, bringing the grand total of emails to 15. 15 fucking emails in ten days, and only three of them actually mattered. Some of you probably think I’m exaggerating on this one. Fuck you, here’s a screenshot of my inbox:
Why is this considered acceptable? Why does buying concert tickets somehow necessitate adding me to three different mailing lists? You guys can’t let me access the tickets until a few days before the show, but you can pester me relentlessly with useless emails about other acts coming to the venue next month? I have no idea who Niall Horan or Lil Durk even are (and I don’t think anyone else does either), I had no idea the firearms manufacturer Ruger also made music, and “Probass Hardi” sounds like a bait and tackle company. Why are you sending me this irrelevant shit? Why is the venue even emailing me at all? I didn’t consent to any of this you pushy assholes. Unless you’re telling me my tickets are ready, leave me the hell alone.
So in conclusion, I’d recommend seeing Avatar live if you ever get the chance, but avoid buying your tickets StubHub or Ticketmaster if you can because they’re more relentless than the Red Cross or Jehovah’s Witnesses. Except, instead of trying to get you to donate your blood or your eternal soul, they’re trying to piss you the fuck off and get you to donate your foot up someone’s ass.
Seriously guys, enough with the damn emails. You’re almost as bad as LinkedIn.