Swipe-to-type technology is a broken and unusable mess, and if it’s the future of typing then we’re in trouble.

The following paragraph has been written using SwiftKey:

This Prejean is the slipper pierce of shit I have ever used in my fucking life. Whoever prevented this food all program needs to have their fingers broken. I understand a few mistakes but this shit is ridiculous. Just look at all these fucking tons, there is Woodley no excuse for this bullshit. I spend half my time directing this story fucking lessons.


This program is the sloppiest piece of shit I have ever used in my fucking life. Whoever programmed this God awful program needs to have their fingers broken. I understand a few mistakes, but this shit is ridiculous. Just look at all these fucking typos, there is literally no excuse for this bullshit. I spend half my time correcting this shitty fucking program.

That just took me five minutes to write out correctly, because SwiftKey is a piece of fucking shit.

Just in case you think I’m full of shit and exaggerating for effect on this one (fuck you if you think I am, the word “Prejean” should be a dead giveaway that I’m not because seriously what the fuck is a “Prejean” anyway?), I took a screen recording of me trying to write with SwiftKey:

No, seriously, whoever programmed SwiftKey really needs to have their fingers broken. I cannot reiterate this point enough. Of all the phone keyboards I’ve used, they’re one of the sloppiest out there when it comes to swipe-to-type. The only difference is they have a very good Public Fellations team, since sites like Reddit are chock full of hive-minded morons who all seem to agree that SwiftKey is “ERR MUH GERD DER BEST PHONE KEYBOARD EVARRRR!”. Which doesn’t come as a surprise, since Reddit has always been a circle jerk of like-minded dipshits anyway, but this hive-minded bullshit hasn’t just been contained to Reddit. During a Google search to find ways to attempt to salvage this piece of shit keyboard, I came across a forum thread somewhere else where a user mentioned the horrible and crippling inaccuracy of SwiftKey, and was basically told that the problem was on his end and that everyone else’s experience was perfect. But the reply that stood out the most to me was the one that said something to effect of “The trick is to not think when using it.” Any time something requires me to “not think”, it’s never a good sign. I can think of several TV shows that also require me to “not think”, and all of them are on MTV. According to this moron, SwiftKey is comparable to an MTV reality show. Way to show your support, dumbass.

It would be unfair to single out SwiftKey entirely here. Other phone keyboards are no exception. I’ve used Swype, the Samsung keyboard, the LG keyboard, and Google’s keyboard. They all suck, they all have the same fucking problems. Insanely inaccurate predictions, an adamant refusal to curse (seriously I had to spend months training SwiftKey to not say “ducking”), and not spelling out the word I want despite the fact that I went over every single letter. The technology isn’t there yet on this one, and it’s never going to get there because it’s too busy sitting on the couch being jerked off by stupid users who insist that it’s “le epic great” or whatever dumb-ass Redditors say nowadays.

It’s getting to a point where I cringe in fear every time I have to text someone even the simplest of things. In the event I have to tell someone something more than three sentences long I have to resort to calling them, since it takes forever to hammer out even just one sentence with SwiftKey. I’ve actually lost friendships over this, since so many people nowadays have this stupid policy of “I only text, I don’t call, if you call me I’m going to ignore your call then text you asking ‘What’s up?'”, and I don’t need that kind of retardation in my life. And god forbid your reply is time-sensitive. It’s easier to simply cut someone out of my life than it is to send a fucking text message with SwiftKey.

Good job on this one, Silicon Valley. You’ve really set the bar for cellphone keyboards. And not only did you set the bar, you must have drank the whole fucking bar too, because you’d have to be drunk to think that these horrific accuracy rates are acceptable. Fuck you and your shitty keyboard SwiftKey. Fuck all swipe-to-type keyboards.

By Angry_Jerk

The CEO/Editor-in-chief of AJnet, and the current king of internet ranting. Hailing from the fine village of Northeast Philadelphia, AJ has been creating content on the internet for over 15 years. None of it has really been funny or entertaining, but he keeps trying anyway. When he’s not creating new articles for the site, he can be found hitting the weights, watching anime, or playing retro video games.