Remember those questions I asked you to ask me? Today I’m gonna answer them!

A couple of weeks ago, I gave readers the opportunity to ask me two questions per person (or sockpuppet email address if they really wanted). I admit, I wasn’t expecting many emails. Maybe four at the most. Well, my expectations were exceeded. I received a grand total of five emails from readers. That’s one more than I expected. Good job, fucknuts.

So without further ado, here are my answers to the questions posited by five of my readers.

X.U. writes,

 1. What are some of your wildest fantasies? Please be honest.

2. As I get older I’m realizing that things aren’t all they’ve cracked up to be. All that shit we were brainwashed with as kids like education and whatnot…. e.g. we were taught how to figure out some retarded equation in some pretend language, but never taught how to love, or how to survive in the wild….etc. And all this talk about love and peace on earth….well I have felt no love. If there has been anything close to love it’s been pretend, temporary. Like conversation – someone pretends to give it and the other pretends to receive it. So it boils down to people who hate, and people who pretend not to hate. Why are we so fucked up inside? Life’s truth has her depressing claws into me. How some people last over 100 years of this shit is beyond me. I’m only 20 and I’m ready to call it quits already. I’d like to to hear your response on this.

1. My wildest fantasy would involve Scarlett Johannsen, Tarja Turunen, and sex. Lots and lots of sex. Non-stop non-consequential fucking. They’d be lezzing it up while I alternated between plowing each them from behind. Both of them licking my shaft upward, stopping to kiss at the top as they stroked my cock and fondled my balls.

Non-sexually, my wildest fantasy would involve me going back in time and dazzling the early world with modern technology. Kind of like “A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court”.

Non-sexually and realistically, my wildest fantasy would probably involve me walking across the country. Only, I wouldn’t be one of those douchebags that did it for notoriety, or had a support vehicle following them along the way. I’d do it quietly and on my own, the way a soul-searching journey is meant to be done.

2. Conflict is a law of nature. Why do you think the human race has spent its whole time trying to kill one another? People like to claim that we were meant to live in peace, but that’s clearly bullshit. If the world lived in peace and there were no wars, murder, or disease, we’d have already overpopulated the planet and stripped it of its resources by this point. We’re “fucked up inside” by nature.

Life is an uncertain thing. Some people have it good, some people are constantly stepping in shit, and others are just drifting aimlessly doing “just okay”. The average lifespan is about 80 years, and you want to call it quits at 20? You’ve lived only a quarter of your life, dude. That’s like watching a football game and saying “Welp, my team’s down 14-7 at the end of the first quarter. Might as well shut the game off since they’re just going to lose.” Sounds silly, doesn’t it? There’s so much more that could happen during the rest of your life. Yeah, the world is a shitty fucking place. I know that and you know that. You shouldn’t let this knowledge be a weakness though, since so many people go through life refusing to accept the cold harsh truth that the world blows. Those people are blind, and you aren’t.

Are you looking for some universal meaning to life? Don’t waste your time, since there isn’t one. Indeed, there’s no universal meaning of all human life. The idea of it is just ridiculous when you think about it. There is however, a meaning to each of our lives. Your life has a meaning, as does each of your friends’ lives, my life, Señor Juan’s life, and every other person out there. The meaning of life is whatever we decide it is. Despite my horrible misanthropy, I like helping people, so perhaps the meaning of my life is to help and guide others. Only you can find the meaning of your life. Is there something you’ve always wanted to do, but haven’t pursued it for whatever reason? That could be the meaning of your life.

So many people don’t pursue their dreams and goals, and just drift emptily throughout their existence, pretending that the world isn’t really that bad and that they’re happy being occupied shells. Don’t be one of those people. Follow your calling and find your meaning.

God I hope that answered your question.

Alan writes,

what does a woman’s touch feel like?


how does it feel to have an overwhelming fanbase?

ps. Aqua Teen Hunger Force is for anyone that loves penis.

Well Alan, a woman’s touch is like the softest smoothest fabric brushing gently against your face, caressing you off into a feeling of relaxation. Alternatively, it’s like a sharp hot blade striking the side of your face and cutting deep into your ear with its harsh words and lies.

As far as having an overwhelming fanbase goes, I wouldn’t fucking know how it feels because it seems they’re a bunch of lazy pricks who don’t email me when I ask them to. Dickers.

Tim writes,

-What the hell happened to that Sladen Dead homo that wanted to rape you and shit?

-Is Juan a real person or an alter-ego of yours?

For those who aren’t familiar with Sladen Dead/Alban Abendroth, read my hatemail section. You might have to scroll down a bit.

I haven’t heard from that huge faggot since those emails. Thankfully, there’s good ol’ Google to tell us what that crazy bastard’s been up to. Apparently he’s busy being a master troll/hacker, hanging out on VampireFreaks (LOL at how he claims to be a “gothic rapper” then says his group is reminiscent of 60’s music. Because they had rap in the 60’s, idiot), and pretending to be a professional wrestler. More recently though, he’s probably being angsting over the passing of his namesake, Elisabeth Sladen. Maybe he killed himself to be with his dream girl, and that’s why I haven’t heard from him lately. One can only hope anyway. To quote Hank Hill, “That boy ain’t right, I tell you what.”

As for Señor Juan, well, I’ll let Juan answer that for me…

Ey readers it is your old pal Señor Juan. AJ tell me that someone want to know if I am real well I am real. How can I be not real if I am typing this si amigo? I very busy but I promise I write article for Angry Jerk site in future.

Adios amigos.

Robert writes,

Would you give me a list of chicks you would screw?
Can I have a copy of your resume? Feel free to censor personal information.
By the way, this is a demand, not a question: Say hell to your probably third email regarding the “Dear AJ” crap.

If I were to give you a list of chicks I would screw, I’d be here typing this for like a month straight. Instead, I’ll give you my Top 5:

1. Tarja Turunen

2. Scarlett Johannsen

3. Katy Perry

4. Amy Lee (the singer for Evanescence)

5. Kim Kardashian

My resume? Well, alright. Here you go. (EDIT: Resume has been removed)

Craig writes:


Craig writes:

Firstly, allow me the opportunity to commend you on your website. It’s not often one can run across a site like this and not get offended. I have been coming to your site for some time now and I very much agree with what you write.

1. What is your take on the future of America, the road is is going down, the apathy of the American people and the obvious fleecing of said citizens?

2. This question can link into question #1, but what are your plans whn the economy of America collapses, we enter a Second Great Depression, and martial law is declared?

I eagerly awaite your response. Thanks for your time in reading this letter and for th website!!

The future I see for America is a shitty one, a civilization destroyed by moral decay and overbearing obsession on equality and multiculturalism. Ugh, I just sounded like some fanatical redneck priest. But it’s true, our moral standards have greatly declined, and as they declined, so did our society in general. 50 years ago, a woman with her tits popping out of her shirt would have been shunned by most of society. Now, these women are role models for our youth. What the fuck?!

Our schools, our police and fire departments, our military. All of these important institutions are worried about their racial and sexual make-up, to the point where they’re lowering their standards so they can have X amount of minorities or women in their figures. Institutions even threaten to cut funding to places that don’t have enough minorities or women. And then they turn around and complain that the schools suck and the emergency services take too long to respond. For fuck’s sake, a woman joining the fire department doesn’t have to be able to lift as much as the men do. WHY?!!! These people are being entrusted with saving lives! And the fucking military is doing this too? Are you fucking shitting me? I don’t give a fuck what race or gender the person saving me is, so long as they can do their job efficiently.

I used to be concerned about the government trying to use the military to turn the country into a dictatorship, but now I’m not so worried, since the standards for being in the military have been lowered to the point of borderline retardation. Instead, I’d be more worried about the US defaulting on its foreign debts, and a coalition of the countries we owed money to invading to recover their losses by taking our land. They’d have no problem, since the military is a multicultural joke. Fuck, there’s probably entire units made up of people loyal to other countries, waiting to raid the barracks and supply arms to the country they’re really loyal to. We have an entire fifth column of American citizens who believes that illegal immigration is justified because of the actions of people over a hundred years ago. Only in America can you find bleeding heart fucks who can justify an invasion of their own country by foreign nationals.

As for my plans, why the hell would I post that kind of information publicly? Does the military put their battle plans out in the open for everyone to see?

Okay, so they do. But that’s why they suck. I don’t suck, so I’m not about to advertise my strategies for all to see.

All in all, I’m kind of glad that I didn’t get bombed with a fuckton of questions. Less time I’d have to spend replying to them, and more time for me to spend hanging out at South Street. Thanks to all who participated, and to those who didn’t, you guys are a bunch of lazy fucks. I am disappoint.

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By Angry_Jerk

The CEO/Editor-in-chief of AJnet, and the current king of internet ranting. Hailing from the fine village of Northeast Philadelphia, AJ has been creating content on the internet for over 15 years. None of it has really been funny or entertaining, but he keeps trying anyway. When he’s not creating new articles for the site, he can be found hitting the weights, watching anime, or playing retro video games.