In July of 2008, I left behind a city full of people sporting Philadelphia Eagles jerseys, flags, and other assorted merchandise. Everybody in the city knew the “Birds'” roster, and would constantly spout facts about their favorite players. “Donovan McNabb threw blah-blah-blah yards against that other team!” “Westbrook ran who-fucking-cares yards for I-really-don’t-give-a-shit-man touchdowns!” Philadelphia was officially known as “Eagles Country”. No, seriously, I think the mayor even said it in a speech.
Two years and a bunch of bullshit later, I returned to Philadelphia to handle some business. Instead of being greeted by a bunch of loud obnoxious dumbfucks wearing green, I was greeted instead by a bunch of loud obnoxious dumbfucks wearing red. The fuck was going on here? Where were all the Eagletards that I loved to hate on? I knew that Philadelphia had sold off their AHL team to New York, who with only a measly four teams was clearly in dire need of another one. Did Philly also sell off its biggest moneymaker to those obnoxious bastards up north who can’t drive for shit? Further, what was up with all this red? After eliminating the possibility that a Red Dawn scenario had occurred while I was away, I figured it must be some sort of new fad for all the cattle to follow. I began to prepare my defense against the eventual verbal insults by the army of Mongoloids who spend most of their time worrying about what other people are or aren’t wearing. Maybe a cattle prod this time around. A cattle prod would go great with my belief that they’re just a herd of clueless consumers who graze from trend to trend.
As I went about my day-to-day life in the city, I began to notice an abundance of Philadelphia Phillies paraphernalia. Everywhere I went, I heard conversations about “Them fightin’ Phils”, some asshole named Chase Utley, and “OMG WORLD CHAMPIONS”. I then vaguely remembered a phone conversation with my sister where she mentioned that the city’s baseball team had won the World Series. After putting two and two together, I felt the impact of the bandwagon crashing into me. The Phillies had won a championship, so they were popular now. Indeed, baseball was no longer a boring sport for old men to discuss over their morning coffee. People actually gave a shit about this slow-moving snoozefest of “Throw, swing, catch”. Baseball had become the official sport of Philadelphia!
Where were all these people when the Phillies sucked ass for the past decade? I asked many people this, and usually got the same response: “I’ve always been a Phils fan!” Really assholes? Because I sure as fucking hell don’t recall seeing any Phillies jerseys before they won the World Series in 2008. I didn’t hear anyone spouting off their starting line-up. I can’t recall any bars broadcasting a Phillies game for the nightly congregation of buzz-cut assholes who call everyone “Bro” or their skanky female counterparts who let grandma raise their kids for them while they’re out slutting it up every night. Stop this “Life-long fan” bullshit, you fucking assholes. You didn’t give two shits about the team until they won the championship. I know it, you know it, and everyone else knows it.
Seriously, it wouldn’t be so bad if these people didn’t pretend that they always gave a shit about the team. It’s okay to just start liking something because you had your attention drawn to it by others. But every time I see one of these assholes sporting a “Life-long Phan” shirt with the Phillies logo on it, I want to hang them by it. You aren’t a life-long fan simply because you were also a fair-weather fan back in the early 80’s, which is the last time they won the World Series. And stop with this bullshit of substituting the letter “F” with “Ph”. It’s phuckin’ phaggoty. See? That looks gay as shit, doesn’t it? Usage of the nickname “Phightin’ Phils” should be an offense punishable by life imprisonment in a concentration camp, and will be when I become the Anti-Christ in like a year.
Baseball is boring as shit, anyway. It’s slow-paced and repetitive. Here’s the summary of every baseball game ever:
“Pitcher steps up to the plate, throws the ball. Batter swings and (hits/misses/gets hit with the ball and walks)! Outfielder (catches/drops/stands there holding his dick because the batter missed) the ball! The crowd (goes wild/boos/doesn’t give a shit)!”
Once in a great while, you get something awesome, like some dumb-ass in the crowd getting hit with a stray ball or both teams pouring off of the bleachers to brawl, but that’s like finding $20 on the ground.
Baseball sucks, and so do fair-weather fans. Especially fair-weather Phillies fans. I don’t care about baseball or the Phillies, and never will. If that makes me a fag, then call me Sean Penn and give me Scarlett Johannsen as a cover-up story. No, seriously, give me Scarlett Johannsen. She’s hot.
Angry editorial from the Daily News titled “Yo Angry Jerk!” in 5…