2011: A look back
Angry_Jerk
In what I hope will become a yearly tradition here at AngryJerk.net, here’s my take on some of the largest events of 2011, some of which I’ve already commented on but go fuck yourself if you don’t like it.
Going postal (AJ’s post office visit)
Today I went to the post office.
You are NOT a Jersey Shore character, now shut the fuck up
You’re not a Jersey Shore character, you’re just an impressionable idiot.
REVIEW: Blazing Pocket’s review of AngryJerk.net
A review of Blazing Pocket’s review of AngryJerk.net.
Back to the Future: The Game
Back to the Future: The Game is… surprisingly good.
Bam Margera is a douchebag and his parents are annoying fucks
Bam Margera and his parents are annoying douchebags.
MAILBAG – I’m homophobic?
Apparently I’m homophobic now.
The REAL masterminds behind 9/11
We’ve all heard the “official” story behind 9/11 countless times. “A bunch of Islamic extremists hijacked planes and crashed them into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.” We’ve also heard the countless conspiracy theories behind the attacks. “Bush allowed it to happen to start the war in Iraq!” “The New World Order did it!” We’ve also heard the whole “Jews were responsible!” thing. This theory started with a chain letter that said something to the effect of “All of the World Trade Center’s Jewish employees called out on 9/11” or something equally retarded. A quick search reveals that this is bullshit, and that somewhere around 18% of the casualties in the World Trade Center were in fact Jewish. But that doesn’t matter, because every single Jewish person everywhere is connected by a network. This network is powered by Holocaust guilt and Fran Drescher’s obnoxious voice.
Do you want to know the truth? Do you want to know the REAL masterminds behind one of the deadliest attacks on American soil? The TRUE masterminds behind all the wars ravaging this world?
The truth is, the Jews are scapegoats for a higher power! That’s right, the Jews are just as much patsies as the Muslims. This higher power is actually a force not of this world. Even the Reptilian empire from Alpha Draconis is nothing compared to these masters of disaster, these bearers of terror.
The true masterminds of the 9/11 attacks? These devious bastards:
After their failure to take over Planet Druidia, the Spaceballs set their eyes on our own blue marble, and launched a campaign to wipe us out and take our resources. The Spaceballs have been here for millenia, and are behind every major conflict in history. The Spaceballs crucified Christ, sparked the American Revolution, triggered both World Wars, and provoked the current American military prescence in the Middle East. They are also planning a large-scale conflict between the US and a Chinese-led alliance, set to start in 2012.
The most powerful families in the world are secretly Spaceballs. The Rockefellers, the Rothschilds, the House of Windsor, the Kennedys. All members of this cruel and sadistic alien race bent on exterminating the human race and taking our planet for its air supply. All responsible for plotting the terrible events of 10 years ago.
Some more facts for you to ponder over:
- 4,000 Spaceballs called in sick to their jobs at the World Trade Center on 9/11.
- A UFO was caught on film hovering near the impact area a year before the attacks even happened.
- Satan’s head can be seen in one of the smoke clouds after the attacks. It is a known fact that the Spaceballs worship Satan. In fact, Satan himself may have been a Spaceball.
- People who seriously blame the Jews for 9/11 are fucking retarded.
Twilight bashing is fucking stupid
When it comes to the Twilight series, it’s the same fucking thing everywhere I go.
Joey Vento: Requiem for a jackass
On August 23, 2011, Joey Vento, the owner of Geno’s Cheesesteaks, proprietor of money-generating controversy, and self-proclaimed expert on motorcycle safety, has died of a heart attack. You may remember Joey Vento from two of my previous articles about him, found here and here. In both of them, I lambasted him for being nothing more than a money-grubbing asshole looking to make a quick profit by generating controversy. I also called him a jackass. Like, a shitload of times.
So far, the circumstances behind the heart attack are a mystery, but investigators say that a search of Joey’s recent internet history showed that he had been viewing a website called “AngryJerk.net” about 15 minutes prior to the fatal heart attack, in particular two negative articles about him.
Now with that tasteless joke out of the way, let’s get serious.
I’ve put the guy down a hell of a lot, and I still stand by my statement that he was an attention-whoring jackass who couldn’t stop running his mouth. However, to deny his redeeming qualities, especially after his death, would be behavior unbefitting of the Phoenix King. It would be a disgraceful insult to my own honor. It would be bad karma. It would be a whole bunch of stuff that sounds like lines from a samurai movie, because samurais kick ass. Especially Samurai Jack. I tell you, man. Genndy Tartakovsky doesn’t get any respect from Cartoon Network. They stop Samurai Jack, Dexter’s Lab, and Symbionic Titan. Yet Aqua Teen Hunger Force still fucking exists, as does the equally fucktarded Squidbillies. Cartoon Network is retarded and Genndy Tartakovsky is way under-appreciated by those bastards.
But indeed, the almighty Angry_Jerk is a man who is not afraid to acknowledge the strengths of his foes. As such, I am going to show myself to be the bigger man by saying a few kind words about Joey Vento.
As much of a jackass as he was, he managed to rile up the pro-immigration camp. That’s always a plus in my book. I’ve said before and I’ll say it again. Anyone who supports illegal immigration is nothing more than a fifth columnist who poses a potential threat to this nation’s security. When the tanks of some foreign military power (most likely China allied with some Arab countries, and Venezuela, and Cuba) come rolling up through Mexico into America one day a la Red Dawn, these are the fucks who will gladly collaborate with the foreign powers by raiding armories and sabotaging shit. I still can’t comprehend the thought processes that lead to someone supporting a clandestine foreign invasion of their own country. These people are way more of a threat than gun-toting Bible-thumping right-wing militiamen. Are the militiamen going to turn over the keys of this country to the Chinese or whoever comes knocking at our virtually unlocked backdoor? Fuck no they aren’t. These people sympathizing with illegal immigration? Yeah, I’d keep an eye or two on those fuckers.
While I know the sign was just to generate publicity, I have zero doubt in my mind that Joey actually believed in the sign’s message. It’s a shame that he didn’t bother to run for public office, since I would have gladly voted for him. He’s right. You want to live in this country? At least make the effort to assimilate into our culture. Wear over-sized clothes and blast shitty jungle music. If I were moving to Russia, I would at least make the effort to learn basic Russian, and I sure as hell wouldn’t drive around the streets of Moscow with an American flag on my car while telling everybody how much I hate the Russian government’s laws. If I go outside the country and expect everyone to know English, I’m considered a stupid fuck who is too uncultured to bother to learn more than one language, yet I’m racist and intolerant of other cultures because I expect people coming to my country to have a basic grasp of my language and have respect for my country’s laws? Fuck you, you neo-liberal sack of shit. I’ll show you a bleeding heart when I rip yours right out of your chest like I’m Scorpion from Mortal Kombat. Aside from the fact that Joey was the owner of Geno’s and thus had the legal right to refuse service to anyone he wanted to, anybody who would go to an American business and attempt to initiate a transaction in Spanish is an asshole.
Putting Joey’s political views aside, the guy was at his business every day. That’s more dedication than many owners. I even remember seeing him making cheesesteaks during one of the two times I was there. That’s a hell of a lot more dedication to his business than many owners I’ve seen. I can respect that. I’ve also heard from people I know who have met him that, aside from coming across as highly neurotic, he was a pretty nice guy when dealing with him in person.
In closing, I want to say that while Joey Vento was a jackass during his living years, he certainly wasn’t the worst person out there, and did have some redeeming qualities. As such, there’s no more reason to harbor any ill feelings towards him in his passing.
Joey Vento, I, Angry_Jerk the Almighty Phoenix King, hereby bury the hatchet with you. Rest in peace, you neurotic jackass. Rest in peace.
Philadelphia’s new curfew
Here in the great trashcan known as Filthadumpia, we’ve been having a slight problem with so-called “flash mobs“. Groups of uppity black youngsters are gathering en-masse and attacking people and robbing stores. No, this isn’t a racist generalization. Even the fucking mayor said it in a speech to a black church group.
Don’t be fooled by that moderately awesome video though, because Michael Nutter is still a toolbag. Just because his toolbag also has a tape measurer doesn’t make up for the fact that he’s still a fucking asshole who wants to add an extra tax to soda because it’s unhealthy. Fuck self-control, let’s make people pay more for the shit. Still, I guess he’s better than John Street (the last mayor) was, and infinitely better than that cocksucking prick Michael Bloomberg over in New York City. I became a born-again Christian just so I could pray to God every night before bed that that slimy asshole contracts cancer for being arrogant enough to have the city charter amended so he could run for a third term as mayor of New York City. Go fuck yourself in the ass with a chainsaw, Bloomberg.
Anyway, in order to combat these roving bands of barbarians, Nutter has instituted new curfew hours for minors in two areas of the city, the areas where these attacks are predominantly occuring (Center City and University City for those from Philly). The weekend curfew for minors has been changed from midnight to 9 PM. People are complaining that this is fascist, that the city has no right to tell citizens they can’t be out after a certain hour, and that’s it’s unfair to punish everyone for the actions of a few.
As it turns out, this whole thing made not only national news, but international news to boot. Being a resident of Pissadelphia, I’m expected to have some kind of opinion to give to the unwashed masses reading this website, most likely one along the lines of “OMG FASCIST/UNCONSTITUTIONAL!”
Well I hate to disappoint everyone, but I don’t think it’s fascist or unconstitutional. In fact, it’s one of the least fascist things the mayor could have done. I hear all this crying and bitching, but what did you assholes want him to do? The whole idea behind a flash mob is that it’s hard to prevent because it’s secretly coordinated. Maybe you’d rather he posts National Guard units on every corner? Or maybe he should have riot police respond in full force and start beating the shit out of these snot-nosed little shits? Doesn’t that sound so much better than extending the weekend curfew hours in a couple of areas of the city? Actually, having the riot police beat the fucking shit out of uppity teenage “gangstas” doesn’t sound that bad now that I’m thinking about it. I can already hear the hilarious cries of “Yo dawg, dis be some police brutality ‘n shit!”. Don’t want your shit wrecked? Don’t jump innocent people then, asshole.
I’m in no way demonstrating sympathy for Nutter, but in this case it appears he’s damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t. If he attempts to fight what’s becoming a very prominent problem, he’s labeled a fascist for it. Yet if he does nothing at all, he’s considered lazy and inept. Seriously, get off his sack already. He has to do something, and extending curfew hours for minors is the least fascist thing he could do. It’s not like he declared martial law and put the whole city under lockdown.
But hey, if you think there’s something else he could have done, feel free to suggest it. Otherwise, shut the fuck up and stop bashing Nutter just for the sake of bashing him.
You’re here, you’re queer, now shut the hell up
I have no problem with gay marriage, but gay rights activists are pushy and obnoxious assholes.
AJ answers your questions
A couple of weeks ago, I gave readers the opportunity to ask me two questions per person (or sockpuppet email address if they really wanted). I admit, I wasn’t expecting many emails. Maybe four at the most. Well, my expectations were exceeded. I received a grand total of five emails from readers. That’s one more than I expected. Good job, fucknuts.
So without further ado, here are my answers to the questions posited by five of my readers.
X.U. writes,
1. What are some of your wildest fantasies? Please be honest.
2. As I get older I’m realizing that things aren’t all they’ve cracked up to be. All that shit we were brainwashed with as kids like education and whatnot…. e.g. we were taught how to figure out some retarded equation in some pretend language, but never taught how to love, or how to survive in the wild….etc. And all this talk about love and peace on earth….well I have felt no love. If there has been anything close to love it’s been pretend, temporary. Like conversation – someone pretends to give it and the other pretends to receive it. So it boils down to people who hate, and people who pretend not to hate. Why are we so fucked up inside? Life’s truth has her depressing claws into me. How some people last over 100 years of this shit is beyond me. I’m only 20 and I’m ready to call it quits already. I’d like to to hear your response on this.
1. My wildest fantasy would involve Scarlett Johannsen, Tarja Turunen, and sex. Lots and lots of sex. Non-stop non-consequential fucking. They’d be lezzing it up while I alternated between plowing each them from behind. Both of them licking my shaft upward, stopping to kiss at the top as they stroked my cock and fondled my balls.
Non-sexually, my wildest fantasy would involve me going back in time and dazzling the early world with modern technology. Kind of like “A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court”.
Non-sexually and realistically, my wildest fantasy would probably involve me walking across the country. Only, I wouldn’t be one of those douchebags that did it for notoriety, or had a support vehicle following them along the way. I’d do it quietly and on my own, the way a soul-searching journey is meant to be done.
2. Conflict is a law of nature. Why do you think the human race has spent its whole time trying to kill one another? People like to claim that we were meant to live in peace, but that’s clearly bullshit. If the world lived in peace and there were no wars, murder, or disease, we’d have already overpopulated the planet and stripped it of its resources by this point. We’re “fucked up inside” by nature.
Life is an uncertain thing. Some people have it good, some people are constantly stepping in shit, and others are just drifting aimlessly doing “just okay”. The average lifespan is about 80 years, and you want to call it quits at 20? You’ve lived only a quarter of your life, dude. That’s like watching a football game and saying “Welp, my team’s down 14-7 at the end of the first quarter. Might as well shut the game off since they’re just going to lose.” Sounds silly, doesn’t it? There’s so much more that could happen during the rest of your life. Yeah, the world is a shitty fucking place. I know that and you know that. You shouldn’t let this knowledge be a weakness though, since so many people go through life refusing to accept the cold harsh truth that the world blows. Those people are blind, and you aren’t.
Are you looking for some universal meaning to life? Don’t waste your time, since there isn’t one. Indeed, there’s no universal meaning of all human life. The idea of it is just ridiculous when you think about it. There is however, a meaning to each of our lives. Your life has a meaning, as does each of your friends’ lives, my life, Señor Juan’s life, and every other person out there. The meaning of life is whatever we decide it is. Despite my horrible misanthropy, I like helping people, so perhaps the meaning of my life is to help and guide others. Only you can find the meaning of your life. Is there something you’ve always wanted to do, but haven’t pursued it for whatever reason? That could be the meaning of your life.
So many people don’t pursue their dreams and goals, and just drift emptily throughout their existence, pretending that the world isn’t really that bad and that they’re happy being occupied shells. Don’t be one of those people. Follow your calling and find your meaning.
God I hope that answered your question.
Alan writes,
what does a woman’s touch feel like?
-and-
how does it feel to have an overwhelming fanbase?
ps. Aqua Teen Hunger Force is for anyone that loves penis.
Well Alan, a woman’s touch is like the softest smoothest fabric brushing gently against your face, caressing you off into a feeling of relaxation. Alternatively, it’s like a sharp hot blade striking the side of your face and cutting deep into your ear with its harsh words and lies.
As far as having an overwhelming fanbase goes, I wouldn’t fucking know how it feels because it seems they’re a bunch of lazy pricks who don’t email me when I ask them to. Dickers.
Tim writes,
-What the hell happened to that Sladen Dead homo that wanted to rape you and shit?
-Is Juan a real person or an alter-ego of yours?
For those who aren’t familiar with Sladen Dead/Alban Abendroth, read my hatemail section. You might have to scroll down a bit.
I haven’t heard from that huge faggot since those emails. Thankfully, there’s good ol’ Google to tell us what that crazy bastard’s been up to. Apparently he’s busy being a master troll/hacker, hanging out on VampireFreaks (LOL at how he claims to be a “gothic rapper” then says his group is reminiscent of 60’s music. Because they had rap in the 60’s, idiot), and pretending to be a professional wrestler. More recently though, he’s probably being angsting over the passing of his namesake, Elisabeth Sladen. Maybe he killed himself to be with his dream girl, and that’s why I haven’t heard from him lately. One can only hope anyway. To quote Hank Hill, “That boy ain’t right, I tell you what.”
As for Señor Juan, well, I’ll let Juan answer that for me…
Ey readers it is your old pal Señor Juan. AJ tell me that someone want to know if I am real well I am real. How can I be not real if I am typing this si amigo? I very busy but I promise I write article for Angry Jerk site in future.
Adios amigos.
Robert writes,
Would you give me a list of chicks you would screw?
Can I have a copy of your resume? Feel free to censor personal information.
By the way, this is a demand, not a question: Say hell to your probably third email regarding the “Dear AJ” crap.
If I were to give you a list of chicks I would screw, I’d be here typing this for like a month straight. Instead, I’ll give you my Top 5:
1. Tarja Turunen
2. Scarlett Johannsen
3. Katy Perry
4. Amy Lee (the singer for Evanescence)
5. Kim Kardashian
My resume? Well, alright. Here you go.
Craig writes:
Firstly,
Craig writes:
Firstly, allow me the opportunity to commend you on your website. It’s not often one can run across a site like this and not get offended. I have been coming to your site for some time now and I very much agree with what you write.
1. What is your take on the future of America, the road is is going down, the apathy of the American people and the obvious fleecing of said citizens?
2. This question can link into question #1, but what are your plans whn the economy of America collapses, we enter a Second Great Depression, and martial law is declared?
I eagerly awaite your response. Thanks for your time in reading this letter and for th website!!
The future I see for America is a shitty one, a civilization destroyed by moral decay and overbearing obsession on equality and multiculturalism. Ugh, I just sounded like some fanatical redneck priest. But it’s true, our moral standards have greatly declined, and as they declined, so did our society in general. 50 years ago, a woman with her tits popping out of her shirt would have been shunned by most of society. Now, these women are role models for our youth. What the fuck?!
Our schools, our police and fire departments, our military. All of these important institutions are worried about their racial and sexual make-up, to the point where they’re lowering their standards so they can have X amount of minorities or women in their figures. Institutions even threaten to cut funding to places that don’t have enough minorities or women. And then they turn around and complain that the schools suck and the emergency services take too long to respond. For fuck’s sake, a woman joining the fire department doesn’t have to be able to lift as much as the men do. WHY?!!! These people are being entrusted with saving lives! And the fucking military is doing this too? Are you fucking shitting me? I don’t give a fuck what race or gender the person saving me is, so long as they can do their job efficiently.
I used to be concerned about the government trying to use the military to turn the country into a dictatorship, but now I’m not so worried, since the standards for being in the military have been lowered to the point of borderline retardation. Instead, I’d be more worried about the US defaulting on its foreign debts, and a coalition of the countries we owed money to invading to recover their losses by taking our land. They’d have no problem, since the military is a multicultural joke. Fuck, there’s probably entire units made up of people loyal to other countries, waiting to raid the barracks and supply arms to the country they’re really loyal to. We have an entire fifth column of American citizens who believes that illegal immigration is justified because of the actions of people over a hundred years ago. Only in America can you find bleeding heart fucks who can justify an invasion of their own country by foreign nationals.
As for my plans, why the hell would I post that kind of information publically? Does the military put their battle plans out in the open for everyone to see?
…
Okay, so they do. But that’s why they suck. I don’t suck, so I’m not about to advertise my strategies for all to see.
All in all, I’m kind of glad that I didn’t get bombed with a fuckton of questions. Less time I’d have to spend replying to them, and more time for me to spend hanging out at South Street. Thanks to all who participated, and to those who didn’t, you guys are a bunch of lazy fucks. I am disappoint.
Ask AJ!
Today I discovered that my “About” page might be lacking in some things, like answers to actual questions and not just shit that I made up off the top of my head.
Because I like my readers so much (no seriously, you guys rock), I’m offering you the chance of a lifetime. I’m offering you the chance to send me your questions so I can answer them.
HOLY SHIT BATMAN!!!
That’s right, now’s your chance to ask me, Angry Jerk, anything that your heart desires. Had a question about something I mentioned in a past article? Ask! Want to know what I think about something that I’ve never talked about on this site? Ask! Hell, need advice about some kind of problem you’re having in your life? Ask that shit, my dude!
Unfortunately, something as incredibly wicked and awesome as this can’t last forever, so I’m going to have to set a deadline of August 5th for any questions to be included. That’s two- count’em, two weeks for you to get off your lazy ass (or in this case, get on your lazy ass) and craft me your questions. Since I don’t want some jack-ass to send me a novel-sized list of inane questions, I’m going to have to limit the number of questions per sender to two questions only. That means if you’re one of the aforementioned jack-asses, you’re going to have to create a shitload of alternate email addresses. Additionally, any emails from people named “Nadeem Bitar” will be forwarded right to the Trash folder.
Now, due to the overwhelming one or two emails that I receive on a weekly basis, it’s imperative that you do something to distinguish your email from the usual “U ROCK AJ” or “Your weekly Facebook page update”. That’s why I’m asking you to put as your subject “Dear AJ”. Any emails that contain something along the lines of “I know I’m supposed to put ‘Dear AJ’ in the subject line but I don’t care lol” will be mocked relentlessly, and their included questions answered in the most nonsensical manner I can think of at the time.
So let’s go over the key points one more time, for those of you who weren’t paying attention:
- You can ask me anything you want.
- You have until the end of Friday, August 5th to ask. That’s two weeks from today.
- The limit is two questions per person, unless you have sockpuppet email accounts.
- Subject line should read “Dear AJ”.
- Any emails from Nadeem Bitar will be disregarded.
I look forward to the plentiful bounty of all four emails that I’ll receive.
Thanks for the advice asshole, now fuck off
Thanks for the advice. Too bad I didn’t ask for any.
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