Coming to America
Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan!
AJ say “Juanito I have problem” Juan say yes you come to right person señor what is problem. AJ tell Juan gringo holiday cuatro de julio come soon no have article for AJnet website. Juan say gringo holiday drink mucho beer so have crazy gringo Frosty write article. AJ tell Juan “no Juan you must write article amigo”. What in the hell why you ask Mexican write article about gringo holiday but AJ tell Juan gringo holiday is about America freedom. AJ say “you come to America for freedom Juan so you must tell story about come to America”. Juan say yes already tell story in article about Texas border but AJ say “no Juan tell real story por favor”. Juan ask what story do with gringo holiday cuatro de julio and AJ tell Juan is story about immigrant fight for freedom come to America. AJ say “people eat that shit up amigo”. Juan no sure why people hear story eat poop but Juan tell story about come to America.
Juan grow up in Ciudad Juárez. Even gringo know Ciudad Juárez very bad place drug cartel Juárez and Sinaloa run city have many gang war too.
One day Juárez Cartel play joke on Sinaloa Cartel put poop in bag leave on doorstep light fire and ring doorbell. Sinaloa Cartel jefe answer door say “who is it?” but see fire poop bag and say “¡Dios mío! El fuego! El fuego!” Sinaloa jefe step on poop bag put fire out. That is when Sinaloa jefe see is poop bag and have poop on cowboy boots. Jefe see Juárez Cartel behind bush laugh hear voice say “haha look it is Señor Stinkyfoot”. Jefe say “I fucking kill you cabrón” and that is how big war start between cartels in 2004.
Uncle Paco tell Juan about war and that is when Juan say it is time to leave Mexico. Juan call Mi Hermano Rico in America tell him about war. Mi Hermano Rico say “Juanito you come to America mi hermano I get you job in construction build porch for many gringo make mucho dinero”. Juan say yes that is good but how come to America? Mi Hermano Rico tell Juan go see man in cantina Caballero Cristo. Caballero Cristo help many Mexican sneak across border.
Juan go to cantina find Caballero Cristo say please help cross border por favor. Caballero Cristo say yes he help Juan cross border but Juan must pay mucho dinero. Caballero Cristo say is 20,000 peso cross border go to state Virginia. 20,000 peso is $2,000 in America.
Juan very poor no have 20,000 peso but Juan no want stay in Ciudad Juárez so Juan work very hard make mucho dinero do many dirty job. Juan clean bathroom at Tijuana donkey show bar find many shirt leave by gringo tourist too. Juan help Uncle Paco sell many shirt extra dinero. It take very long time but Juan make 20,000 peso.
Juan pay Caballero Cristo 20,000 peso and Caballero Cristo tell Juan go to house next door to cantina tell them you order el burrito grande. Juan do this and that is when Juan meet Burrito Patrol. Burrito Patrol group help many Mexican cross border. Burrito Patrol say “okay Juan get into van we take you to America now”. Juan ride in van but gringo border patrol stop van find Juan and Burrito Patrol.
Las migras say “Well well well señor what do we have here? You want to cha cha across border señor then you must go through us.” Juan say sorry las migras I make mistake get in wrong van but Burrito Patrol say no worry and ask if Juan play basketball. Juan very confused but Burrito Patrol tell Juan las migras let Burrito Patrol cross border if win basketball game. Juan still very confused but say okay play basketball.
Las migras say play three on three and Juan play on Burrito Patrol team with Fernando and Domingo. Las migras good but Domingo very good las migras say “aye yai yai he is like gringo hero Michael Jordan”. Juan say yes I am good too like gringo hero Kobe watch I slam dunk ball Juan try to slam dunk ball like gringo Kobe but las migras pull pants down. Fernando say “ey ey ey what the fuck you do no pull down pants stupid cheater that is foul”. Las migras say yes you are right please take foul shot Juan. Juan take foul shot win game. Las migras say “That is fine you win today amigo but we win next time. You cross border now por favor welcome to America señor.”
Juan cross border and Burrito Patrol say “Okay you get in van with Pedro he take you to state Virginia here is nose plug good luck amigo”. Juan no sure why give nose plug but get in van with Pedro then Juan understand nose plug van smell like poop. Juan say “ey Pedro why van smell like poop señor?” and Pedro smile say “please forgive me Juan is mi amigo Señor Culo he talk mucho caca” then Pedro fart really loud say “ey Señor Culo cella el orto haha”. Juan ask how long is ride and Pedro say three days we stop for food and sleep on way so Juan must sit in van with stinky Pedro fart cloud three days but that is life.
Pedro say “okay Juan we are in state Virginia I leave now good luck amigo Señor Culo say good luck too” fart really loud. Juan call Mi Hermano Rico say “Mi Hermano I am here now dónde estás?” Mi Hermano Rico tell Juan meet at Taco Bell so Juan go to Taco Bell see Mi Hermano Rico sit in table. Mi Hermano Rico give Juan taco tell Juan have job start tomorrow. Juan say what is job and Mi Hermano Rico say is construction build porch for gringo. Juan no do construction before but Mi Hermano Rico say “Do not worry Juanito is very easy you do construction I show you por favor”.
Next morning van pick up Juan and Mi Hermano Rico take to job site. Mi Hermano Rico say “Okay Juanito we cut wood now” show Juan how to work saw. Juan cut wood long time then fat gringo yell “Lunch time niños!” Everyone stop work eat lunch. Juan eat sandwich but man come to Juan say “Hola new guy I am Raúl welcome to America amigo. I buy you taco from taco truck is welcome gift.” Juan say yes is good thank you Juan try to eat taco but Mi Hermano Rico grab taco and throw it what the fuck why you do this. Mi Hermano Rico tell Juan is no meat taco is actually poop taco. Raúl play poop taco joke on new guy every time. Juan say yes that is fine I play joke too.
Next day Juan see Raúl go to bathroom. Juan find Raúl lunch box go poop in lunch box. Juan wait until lunch see Raúl say “ey Raúl mi amigo you buy lunch yesterday I bring you lunch today amigo”. Raúl open lunch box see poop say what the fuck Juan. Juan tell Raúl “I make fresh just for you señor eat up is better than poop taco haha”. Raúl very mad but then Raúl laugh at funny joke say “yes good one Juan that is very funny I like you no take shit from anyone amigo”.
Juan work very hard end of week fat gringo boss say “okay niños here is paycheck” give Juan envelope mucho dinero. Juan count money is $300. You say “Juan is only $300 no mucho dinero” but in Mexico very poor no make $300 in one month. Juan come to America make $300 work one week Juan say yes is mucho dinero.
Juan hear many gringo complain about country and Juan say America bad sometimes but gringo no live in Mexico gringo go to Ciudad Juárez see yes America bad but Mexico very bad. Juan come to America make mucho dinero no make mucho dinero in Ciudad Juárez. Uncle Paco sell many shirt in Ciudad Juárez but cartel say “you sell shirt you must pay tax cabrón” take Uncle Paco money. Uncle Paco come to America open shop with Boricua Luis sell many shirt and taco too no pay cartel only pay tax to government. Juan thank God every day come to America familia too is better than Mexico.
Dios bendigo America.
