I tried Hawaiian volcanic water

What does Hawaiian volcanic water taste like? I found out so you don’t have to.

I guess this is a regular series now or whatever.

I was at Wawa the other day grabbing a Dr. Pepper Zero, and figured I should grab a bottle of water too. Normally I’ll just grab whatever the cheapest brand is, but a giant blue bottle caught my eye:

Behold, Waiakea Hawaiian Volcanic Water.

I’m not one of those guys who buys into the whole fancy “smart water” thing. I have three glass jugs that I keep filled with tap water, and if I want anything fancier I’ll throw a pack of low calorie electrolyte powder into a shaker. To me, water is water (or since I’m from Philly, “wooder”).

But sometimes, you see something that’s so absurd that you just have to try it, even though you know it’s a stupid waste of money. “Hawaiian volcanic water” is a concept that sounds utterly retarded, probably targeted at people who follow fitness influencers. A 1-liter bottle cost me $4, so you know this shit is being marketed to impressionable idiots with more money than common sense.

So of course, I bought it. Just like I bought the Oreo-flavored Coke Zero, and the Fireball Whisky-flavored hot sauce.

The idea of Hawaiian volcanic water was intriguing. I didn’t even know that volcanoes had water, but apparently they do. This water is supposedly loaded with minerals, and has a higher alkaline content compared to regular water. What does that mean? For most people, absolutely nothing.

But surely this Hawaiian volcanic water would at least taste different from regular water, right?

It doesn’t.

Waiakea Hawaiian Volcanic Water tastes exactly like Evian, Deer Park, or pretty much any other bottled water (except for Dasani and Aquafina, which are quite literally just filtered tap water). I wasn’t expecting much, but I was expecting it to have at least some unique taste to it, what with all those volcanic minerals and alkaline.

I understand that it probably costs some money to send someone up the volcano to get the water, and even more to export it to the mainland from Hawaii, but what makes it more expensive than Evian or any other pretentious bottled mineral water? A look at the back of the bottle yields an answer:

Behold, the magic of “OceanPlast”.

What is OceanPlast? I have no fucking idea, but apparently it uses 79% less CO2, 85% less energy, and 99% less water than “virgin” plastic bottles.

So wait, are Waiakea Hawaiian Volcanic Water bottles whores or something? Is someone at the plant going around sticking his dick in water bottles and deflowering them? I’ve never heard the term “virgin water bottle” before, and I could have probably gone the rest of my life without hearing it. Maybe I’m just out of touch with the times, but I’d like to assume that nobody’s had sex with the bottle I’m drinking water out of.

The name “OceanPlast” has misleading connotations to it. There’s nothing really unique or special about it, it’s just plastic that might be slightly more eco-friendly than regular plastic. I could get behind it if they were cleaning plastic out of the ocean and recycling it for their bottles, but that’s not the case here. OceanPlast is just a kitschy marketing gimmick.

Needless to say, I was less than impressed with my Hawaiian volcanic water, and I ended up mixing in a packet of Bodyarmor Liquid IV with it. My curiosity and my thirst were both satiated, but at $4 for a bottle it just wasn’t worth it.