DEAR JUAN: My girlfriend tested me and I failed!
Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan with more advice!
Mi Hermano Rico call Juan say “ey Juanito what you do on weekend amigo”. Juan tell Mi Hermano Rico must work. Mi Hermano Rico say “no work, you come to house amigo we have cookout la familia please bring amigo AJ and crazy gringo Frosty too por favor”. Juan say very busy have to work but Uncle Paco hear Juan and say “Juanito mi sobrino, you go to cookout is fine I tell Miguel work instead”.
Juan come to party at casa de Mi Hermano Rico with AJ and Frosty have good time drink mucho Corona. That is when policía come say “ey what you do you are too loud amigo”. Mi Hermano Rico say what you mean is day time. Policía tell Mi Hermano Rico angry neighbor call say music too loud. Policía say is fine music no loud yes have party. Policía leave and Mi Hermano Rico say okay we turn music up now Frosty say “I put on song” Frosty put on song Fuck the policía by crazy gringo rapper NWA but Juan say “What you do pendejo policía on our side stupid drunk idiot no play song fuck the policía”. AJ say yes I have better song and play little Japanese girl song. Man come out say turn down music but AJ say “Sorry señor I no hear you over music” and turn up music loud. Man tell Mi Hermano Rico but Mi Hermano Rico say “Sorry señor I no hear you over music”. Man get angry and leave and Frosty say “wait you forget potato salad” throw potato salad at angry man. Man say “I fucking kill you cabrón” but Mi Primo Hector stop fight and walk man away. Mi Hermano Rico say okay we turn off music now. Juan want to hear song by badass ACDC band but that is life.
Today Juan answer question from man with girlfriend who test him.
Dear Juan,
Me (20m) and my girlfriend (18f) have been dating for over a year now. Yesterday I got a follow on Instagram from a random girl. She sent me a message saying that I looked nice and asked if I wanted to hang out. I told her thanks, but I have a girlfriend.
Well, it wasn’t a random girl.. it was actually my girlfriend’s friend pretending to be another girl to test me. And according to my girlfriend I failed. I asked her how did I fail when I said I wasn’t interested. My girlfriend said I shouldn’t have even replied. Wtf?
Now my girlfriend is crying and she’s saying she can’t trust me and I might cheat on her. I don’t want her to dump me but I also don’t think I did anything wrong here. I have no idea what to do.
Liam from NY
¡Dios mío! Señor Liam what the hell are you doing why you still date girl ella esta muy loca.
Woman say you cheat. Let Juan tell you about Mi Hermana Josefina.
Mi Hermana Josefina tell Juan about boyfriend always say she cheat but Mi Hermana Josefina no cheat boyfriend es paranoico. Mi Hermana Josefina no sure why boyfriend say this but then she see boyfriend at bar with other woman kiss other woman. Mi Hermana Josefina say “what in the hell puto why you cheat on me”. Boyfriend say no cheat is cousin. Mi Hermana Josefina say “stupid liar I see you kiss her pendejo you no kiss cousin like redneck from Mississippi. You say I am cheater but it is you who are dirty cheater fuck you tienes un pene pequeño”. Mi Hermana Josefina say “You are dumped tramposo” throw drink at dirty cheater boyfriend and go to dance club with friend instead.
Señor Liam, Juan think girlfriend is cheating on you and that is why she test say no trust you. Why you date señorita no trust you? Is like taco with no meat yes you eat taco but no have meat no taste good. Date señorita no trust you no good relationship muy miserable. You must be like Mi Hermana Josefina and dump crazy woman. Señorita no test Juan señorita test Juan then Juan say “yes I fail cheat test but you fail crazy test puta tu es muy loca no talk to me again” then Juan sing get out song Juan hear in 2004 by gringa singer JoJo.
You are still very young Señor Liam no stay with crazy woman. You have baby with crazy woman? Then you must leave. You dump crazy woman then go to gym lift heavy weight grow big manly beard like Juan see on man who pull truck. You do this then have mucho sex with many hot señorita think about Juan when you do it.
Juan read last sentence and see is gay so you no think about Juan when have sex with hot señorita. But you dump crazy woman Señor Liam she is no buena.
Best of luck to you amigo.
Do you have a problem and need Señor Juan’s advice? Leave a comment below or send Juan an email at [email protected], and your question may be answered in a future Dear Juan article!
