DrakeGTA Archives: Grow an Inflatable Backbone Canada
This month from the DrakeGTA Archives: An article about Canadian cultural sensitivity!
Grabbing Drake’s old stuff off of the Internet Archive can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.
A lot of Drake’s old articles were heavy on images. Unfortunately, the Internet Archive doesn’t like to preserve images for some reason. At best it’s spotty. I lucked out on the very first DrakeGTA Archives article, his Drunken Cookery hash browns, but it seems that the further back you go the less likely it is that Archive.org’s crawler saved the images in his articles.
The good news is, being friends with Drake allowed me to get into his mindset and understand his, we’ll call it “unique”, way of thinking (he’d probably say NOT for the better). So in the case of articles like the one I’m about to share today, I’m able to take fairly educated guesses as to what images he was posting. It’s not 100% perfect, but I think it’s accurate enough to get across the points he was trying to make. Or maybe not, because our lights have suddenly started flickering as I write this. I’m not even joking on this one. If that’s you Drake knock it the fuck off, shit’s annoying.
I did come across a very interesting issue with one of the pictures though. There’s a picture from back in the day of two Asian guys wearing banana hammock bathing suits with giant magnets. This was a very popular meme, but for some reason I can’t find it anywhere and nobody seems to remember what I’m talking about. It’s like it completely disappeared from existence, and the only proof I have of it ever being real is Drake’s joke in this article about magnetic junk. Whenever me and Drake had debates about things that happened in the past and I’d win, he’d always joke that I had a time machine and would just go back in time to change history so I was right. Maybe that’s what’s happened with this image, some other jackass must have a time machine too, and has gone back to wipe this picture from existence. So if anyone has a picture of two screaming Asian guys wearing magnets on their crotches please send it to me so I can add it to the article (and prove I’m not crazy).
Anyway, this article is about a Canadian college cancelling a fund raiser because people took offense to an inflatable sumo suit competition. Given the current nonsense about political correctness, and the current nonsense about Trump and his stupid “51st state” remarks, I couldn’t pass this one up.
The article takes quite a few potshots at Japan, and I can’t help but wonder if it wasn’t at least partially influenced by my 2008 article “Bring back Fat Man and Little Boy” article, which was basically just a racist and pointless tirade against Japan, and probably won’t ever be republished.
One of my favorite things about Drake was his ability to take something that genuinely irked him and turn it into a silly article with a bunch of pop culture and music references. Seriously, he just references the Dead Kennedys out of nowhere, I love it. Drake was pissed off that people took offense to something as simple as an inflatable sumo wrestling contest fund raiser, but rather than just write an angry rant about how Canadians are pussies or something, he laced his article with humor. He got his point across while not appearing to take things too seriously. I mean, the article starts with a rant about nuking Japan again and manages to end with a reference to Everlast. Only you could’ve pulled that shit off, Drake.
This is “Grow an Inflatable Backbone Canada”, originally posted to DrakeGTA.com on March 30, 2010.
(Side note: I’ve really gotta get that site up and running)
So, let’s suppose, just hypothetically, that you’re a Canadian Alma Mater Society. Now, let’s suppose you’re both Canadian, and you want to do some charitable work. Being the noble off-spring of mounties, fur trappers, and wolverines, you’ve chosen to donate money to a foodbank, by holding an athletic contest. The nature of the contest? Well, nothing says good clean Canadian fun like an Inflatable Sumo Suit Competition.
For those of you unfamiliar, an Inflatable Sumo Suit Competition works like this. A bunch of college kids get drunk (I’m just guessing about that part, but I know I would) and then strap on giant flesh colored inflatable suits, and proceed to push each other out of the ring in true sumo wrestler fashion. Think about it, what objection could anyone possibly have to this? Is it not just an awesomely stupid way to waste a day and make some money for a foodbank? This plan is so simple, nothing can possibly go wrong.
Unless of course, you’re a pussy. See, these canucks from Queens University (who’s apparently hosting the Inflatable Sumo Suit Competition) received a series of complaints stating that an Inflatable Sumo Suit Competition is both insulting to Japanese culture, and “oppressive.” Well, being the strong willed lumberjacks that they are, our Canadian friends folded like a smart car in a pile up, offered an apology, and canceled the competition.
WHAT THE FUCK?! Insulting to Japanese culture? Really? Which aspect of Japanese culture are we offending here? The tentacle porn or the vampires that suck shit from your asshole while you sleep? (I wish I was making that up.) Really, which group of highly cultured Japanese denizens are we offending?
These guys, or these guys?
You know what, fuck that. Aren’t Canadians supposed to be made of steal and ice or some shit? I’m pretty sure that the dude in Led Zeppelin’s Immigrant Song was a Canadian, and he climbed a mountain and raped a Valkyrie, a real Valkyrie too, none of those sissy Tom Cruise Valkyries. I don’t know much about Canadian history, but I can only assume that Canada was populated by lumberjacks who were living in England and France, and they looked around and said, “Fuck this sissy shit, I want to go live someplace completely inhospitable to Human life. ” You bastards are a shame to your Canadian heritage, you’re supposed to eat maple leaves and shit out hockey pucks, but here you are worried about cultural sensitivities.
Japan does not get to have cultural sensitivities. You know why? Because they lost the bloody second world war, that’s why. If they don’t like it, we can launch a couple ICBMs and remind them why they lost.
You think you’re offended? I’m Irish, how fucking offended do you think I am? I mean seriously, look at this shit…
Talk about a misrepresentation of a culture. We’re talking about a brand of bloody bravehearts, and they could take their lives, but never take their freedom; not a bunch of faggy ass queens line dancing in tap shoes. I don’t even know what a river dance is, but I know it didn’t come from Ireland because A) everyone is sober, B) no one is kicking anyone else’s ass, and C) the IRA doesn’t bomb the shit out of that British tosser in the front.
You know what else offends me… This shit…
What the fuck is this? Did you guys even look up Celtic culture? You realize that the Celts were a band of badass fucking axe wielding warriors that gave birth to the vikings, the Visigoths, the Vandals, and probably The Dead Kennedys too. I don’t know about much Celtic women, but I know they didn’t put on long flowing dresses, play the violin, and sing Ave Maria. Hell no, Cletic women looked more like this…
and they used to sing songs written by the great Irish poet and playwright Whitey Ford.
