The Truth™ about public restrooms!

There’s a lot more dirty business going on in public restrooms than you think!

A big old Texas howdy, readers! As always, I’m Alex Jonestown, proprietor of Truth™, friend of freedom, sworn enemy of The Powers That Be, and Five-Star General of the Truth Troopers!

Last year when I graciously accepted AJ’s invitation to come write for AJnet Magazine, I brought with me a new perspective on the world that you thought you knew. You’re all familiar with AJ’s aggressive writing style, his no-holds-barred take on sensitive topics, and his scathing social commentary that isn’t afraid to call a spade a spade (Nobody likes a kiss-ass, Alex. ~Ed.). AJ is like me, he’s a guy who knows there’s a lot more going on than we’re being told. AJ and me are two peas in a pod.

Now, as much as I respect my esteemed colleague and editor, I need to address something he’s overlooked. AJ may be searching for the truth, but he’s missed the Truth™. But that’s okay Troopers, because ol’ Jonesy’s gonna do what he does best: Show him and his readers the Truth™!

Readers of AJnet Magazine know all about AJ’s famous public bathroom rants (Which you can read here and here ~Ed.). But what readers of AJnet Magazine DON’T know is the Truth™ about public restrooms!

And you know what? I don’t blame’em, not one iota! They say ignorance is bliss! And when I discovered the Truth™ about what’s going on in public restrooms, I was shaken to my very core!

“Good God Almighty, Jonesy! What’s going on in those bathrooms?! What dirty secrets are lurking in those toilets while I’m doing my business?!”

I’m not one for beating around the bush, so I’ll get right down to the point: Public restrooms are data collection points!

That’s right Troopers, when you’re in that bathroom doing your business, your biometric data is being collected by those damn devious Powers That Be! Every time you step up to that urinal to drain the lizard, Big Brother sidles right up next to you and stares straight at your junk like an Austin drag queen!

Oh, but it doesn’t stop there, no siree! No, every single solitary aspect of your little visit is tracked and stored away at some data center for later analysis by their fancy AI algorithms. From every crap you take to all those innocent conversations you had about last night’s Cowboys game to how long you washed your damn hands. These devious bastards have sunk their tendrils into even the most basic human needs! They’re taking advantage of our moment of weakness, of that dirty deed that makes us human, and they’re spying on us when we’re at our most vulnerable.

I know how it sounds, Troopers. It sounds like I’ve lost my damn marbles! “Hold on just one minute there, Jonesy,” you’re saying, “How the hell can they get all this data from a bathroom? Just what kind of secret technology are these sick sons of bitches using?”

Do you want to know how they’re doing it? Do you want to know the Truth™ about how they’re using public restrooms to collect your data?

“Oh hell Jonesy, of course I do! That’s why I come here!”

It’s so god-damned simple, and it’s been right in front of your face this whole time!

They’re using automatic sensors!

Whenever that toilet flushes itself, whenever you wave your hands like a damn idiot in front of that sink, whenever you put your hands out for some soap, you’re getting blasted with infrared waves that are scanning your DNA and filing it away in their data centers for later use. That little air freshener on the wall that shoots a spritz of fresh roses every thirty seconds? That’s a microphone! And don’t forget your free brain scan from that automatic light above your head. A violation of your privacy, and eco-friendly!

Why do they want all this info, you ask? What could they possibly do with bathroom recordings and DNA and brain scans?

It’s all about compliance.

It’s easy to get you to comply when they know all your dirty little secrets, and after they’re done using you it’s even easier to take you out when they have your genetics filed away! We saw your internet post about the Italians running everything. You should take it down, unless of course you want your wife to hear what you’d like to do with Susan from accounting. That’s how they got my second wife to file for divorce! Asking too many questions about the Worthington family? That’s bad for your health, just like being genetically predisposed to diabetes. It sure would be a crying shame if we started dumping more sugar into everything you eat and drink.

Troopers, The Powers That Be are slicker than Texas black gold, and they’re just as dirty too. They’ll stop at nothing to control you, because they hate you, they hate your family, they hate your friends, they hate everyone you care about! I’ve learned a lot of things during my search for the Truth™ that have sickened me and terrified me, but invading the sanctity of using the god-damned bathroom? Well, that’s just disgusting. When is enough enough? When do we finally get angry and start tearing down their surveillance system? Hannibal isn’t at the gates anymore, Troopers. He broke through the gates and now he’s dancing a jig in the middle of the town square while his army kills our men, rapes our women, and enslaves our children!

It’s time to fight back, Troopers. The next time you’re in one of their public restroom data collection centers, hit them back! Smear shit on their sensors, smash up their sinks, rip that damn automatic hand dryer right off the wall! Pull that air freshener microphone out and crush it under your feet! Destroy their data collection points and make them useless. Send them the message that they can’t have your DNA and you don’t consent to being recorded and scanned into their global control grid.

Here’s some data for you bastards: The Truth Troopers are here, we’re angry as hell, and we’re gonna kick your god-damned asses!