REDDIT REVUE: r/Crushes (again)
This month’s Reddit Revue: r/Crushes! (Again!)
Back when I first started doing the Reddit Revue, I told myself I would make every effort to not constantly revisit the same subreddits. It’s been over two years now and I’d say I’ve done a pretty damn good job. I gave the battlestation reviews their own segment, and I revisited r/Witchcraft once.
With that said, I’m not against revisiting subreddits from time to time. There’s a few that stood out to me as gold mines of cringe and stupidity, and I see no harm in checking back in on old targets once or twice a year and seeing what they’ve been up to.
One of the ones I’ve wanted to revisit for a while was r/Crushes. I did r/Crushes back in July of last year, and since then I’ve been chomping at the bit to pay them another visit. If you missed my last visit to r/Crushes and are a lazy piece of shit who doesn’t feel like reading the link in the previous sentence, the gist of r/Crushes is that it’s a subreddit for people who want advice on talking to their crushes or just want to vent to strangers on the internet about having a crush. It’s like digital middle school for adults. I think there’s some teenagers on there too, but the majority of the posts seem to be from people in their 20s and 30s, and are just barely a step above memes of Pepe the Frog saying “tfw no girlfriend”.
Alright lads (and lasses, we don’t discriminate here at AJnet), put your helmets on and strap in for r/Crushes 2: Sad Pathetic Boogaloo.
Asking the real questions.
If I actually cared about Reddit karma I’d probably farm it by posting shit like this.
This is how it went for OP, in case you were wondering.
I guess you could say… karma’s a bitch.
Sorry kid, you’ve gotta be at least 13 years old to use Reddit. Come back in five years.
I could spend five minutes writing out an answer, or you could just spend that five minutes reading 4chan and get your answer.
If you’re dating him, then he’s not your crush, he’s your boyfriend. Who the fuck comes on to Reddit to brag about kissing their boyfriend?
13 year old girls weren’t this stupid when I was 13. Maybe Tiktok really is ruining this generation.
Don’t think too hard now or you’ll hurt yourself.
The guy in this story seems to have forgotten the most important rule of all.
Dr. House, write this man a prescription.
ngl, relatable af
Redditor has crush on Uncle Jack from Always Sunny.
Being a top 1% poster on r/Crushes is like being the sickest patient in the cancer ward.
Haha, fucking loser.
Another high-quality post from another top 1% poster.
Hmm, I guess this explains why ChatGPT is barely a step above functionally retarded.
You were both drinking. She couldn’t consent. You just confessed to rape.
Just go for it dude, the worst that could happen is she says no.
Eh, on second thought…
At least you didn’t get stabbed.
Not at all! Try it and report back.
No. You have to be exactly the same age or you’re basically a pedophile.
That’s hot.
I’m talking about HELL, which is where you’ll be burning for all eternity, sinner.
If he said that sex with another man might eventually happen then he’s not straight.
“Kim” by Eminem.
I think you’re too old to be doing this childish shit.
Idk about purity I just buy the bagged shit from Aldi’s
Is it weird if a 19 year old dates a 41 year old who is married and has two kids, one that’s older than the 19 year old?
If so, I definitely fucked up 20 years ago.
Body positivity only applies to lard asses.
They actually have a post flair for “Encourage me!”. It’s times like this that I miss the old days where automoderators didn’t exist and you could fire off a few good insults at someone before getting slapped down with a ban.
Send her dick pics.
Was it a KISS concert?
Here’s a few. Feel free to use them, and be sure to let me know how they work for you!
“Hey baby, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”
“Nice dress. It would look even nicer crumpled up on the floor next to my bed.”
“Get over here and suck my dick, slut.”
I was going to make a joke about your crush being Dennis Reynolds but a chess player who threatens women with spears is so insane that nothing I said could add to it.
Here’s the entire post if you have about three hours of free time to read it.
Threaten him with a spear.
Ask if you can watch them have sex, then your descent into cuckoldry will be complete.
I was going to make a joke about questioning him with “enhanced techniques”, but I lost it at the random lone reply in Spanish.
Who fucking says shit like this?
When I was 16 I was fingerblasting fat chicks in the back of the movie theater after talking to them on AOL Instant Messenger for like two days. Totally norm-
Oh wait he’s ginger? Nah listen to your prudish friends on this one.
Nah, you’ve gotta be like my fat little buddy.
(I wonder whatever happened to that kid?)
Jesus H. Christ. I’m calling my old friend Michael on this one.
There’s no way this shit is a real language.
Let’s wrap this one up on a positive note.
I’m positive that you’re a dipshit.
Alright, that about does it for r/Crushes.
I’ll definitely be revisiting some previously visited subs in the future, so if there’s one in particular you’d like me to revisit then let me know. Likewise, I’m always open to suggestions for new subs to include in future Reddit Revues.
As for next month’s Reddit Revue, I’m thinking we’ll probably do r/Raisedbynarcissists, as suggested by a reader the other month. I can’t wait, it sounds like a real shit show.
