The Truth™ about Easter!

There’s a dark sinister Truth™ about Easter Sunday, and today we’re going to shed some light on it!

A big old Texas howdy, readers! As always, I’m Alex Jonestown, proprietor of the Truth™, friend of freedom, lover of Lady Liberty, and Five Star General of the Truth Troopers, an army of brave information warriors fighting on the front lines against tyranny and censorship by The Powers That Be!

Easter Sunday is upon us, Troopers. That magical time of year where the kiddies load up on sugar and corn syrup and go a-huntin’ for plastic eggs (made from only the finest BPA!) loaded with more sugar and corn syrup. After a nice homily from Father Sneakyhands at the local parish, the family comes home and has a nice big dinner chock full of preservative-filled ham and the best GMO veggies money can buy (brought to you courtesy of our fine friends at Monsato!). For dessert? Good ol’ fashioned American apple pie, loaded with more corn syrup, preservatives, and GMO fruits.

“Well gee Jonesy, that all sounds innocent enough. I don’t see any problem with Easter.”

That’s because you don’t see the Truth™! Lucky for you, I’m here to serve as your seeing eye dog, your bright torch to light up the night, your binoculars to see what lies beyond the mountain of lies that The Powers That Be have hidden the Truth™ behind.

If you want to learn the Truth™ about Easter, all you need to do is take a look at what the holiday is about: The resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Now Troopers, you know ol’ Jonesy is a good God-fearing Christian just like any man should be. Our Lord and Savior died on that cross, crucified by the Romans who would later become those conniving Italian bastards who are trying their damnedest to burn this world to the ground. What I’m about to tell you might sound like blasphemy, but I promise you, I swear on the soul of dear old Mama Jonestown, that I am telling you the Truth™, the whole Truth™, and nothing but the Truth™, so help me God Almighty!

We all know the story, Jesus was crucified and by divine providence he came back to life three days later. To commemorate his rise from the dead, we celebrate with egg hunts, dinner, and a shitload of candy.

Now ask yourself Troopers, just why the hell would we have such a big celebration for the return of Jesus from the dead? This is Jesus Christ, the Lord and Savior of Man, the King of Kings, the son of God himself! Of course he came back to life!

I’ll tell you why we celebrate it: The Catholic Church wants to turn us all into mindless zombies!

The Catholic Church, situated snuggly inside Rome and run by, who else, THE ITALIANS, glorifies the resurrection of Jesus as a way of rubbing it in our faces that they see us as nothing more than zombies, staggering about with our mouths agape, moaning and groaning cluelessly as they exalt themselves above us. Those goddamned heathens have corrupted the image of the Lord himself by portraying him as some kind of zombie king!

It gets even worse, Troopers!

Are you familiar with the sacrament of Communion? Where young and old are told to consume wine and bread, and told that this wine is the blood of Christ, and the bread his body? Absolutely disgusting! The Lord isn’t some zombie commanding his followers to take part in a ritual of cannibalism.

Now I know what you’re thinking Troopers. “You just said you’re a Christian Jonesy, didn’t you celebrate Easter as a kid?”

It’s true, readers. The Jonestown house did in fact celebrate Easter every year. Mama Jonestown would watch as her boys came into the living room on Easter morning and screamed with joy at the big ol’ baskets of candy left by the Easter Bunny. Then we’d go hunting for eggs just like every other good little Christian boy and girl. I’ve got nothing to hide from you, Troopers. This was my childhood, and you won’t hear any apologies for it. Mama Jonestown, bless her dear soul, had only the best intentions for her boys and she wanted them to be happy.

But dear Mama Jonestown didn’t know the Truth™ about Easter, and if she had then you can bet your sweet little ass that she wouldn’t have her boys promoting the idea that Jesus Christ was a goddamn zombie who rose from the dead and demanded that his followers feast on his flesh and drink his blood.

And that’s just how devious those damn dagos are! They corrupted the son of God by turning him into a zombie, then they sell it to the kiddies with candy and stories about bunny rabbits! It makes me sick to my stomach, Troopers. It really brings my piss to a boil! The Catholic Church is rotten to the core!

“This is terrible Jonesy! What can I do to fight against these evil people and their bastardized version of the Lord?”

I’ll tell you what you can do, you can stop celebrating Easter Sunday, that’s what the hell you can do! Every time you celebrate Easter Sunday you promote the image of Jesus Christ as a zombie.

But I know you won’t do that, readers. I know you don’t want to give up your big delicious Easter dinners or your sugary marshmallow duckies or your chocolate bunnies. It’s so much easier to just follow that herd. Don’t stray from the flock, be good little sheep and listen to Father Sneakyhands and Monsignor Molester as they fiddle your kids and buy their faith with corn syrup and sugar!

The hell with that! It’s time for all true Christians and patriots to take a stand against these bastards! My Lord isn’t a goddamn zombie, he’s the Savior of Man! The Savior of Man is going to come back soon, and when he does he’s gonna be furious, and all you crooked hook-nosed Italian bastards hiding under your Pope’s skirt are going to find out what it feels like to burn forever in hell!

Enough of this bullshit, Troopers. Stop calling Jesus a zombie, stop celebrating Easter, and stop falling for Italian tricks!