DEAR JUAN: My friend is getting a green card marriage!
Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan!
Juan come to AJnet office bring mucho taco pick up check from Stephanie in finance. AJ say “ey Juan uno momento por favor” tell Juan come into office. AJ close door and say “okay Juan I tell you now nobody hear.” AJ say he play joke on girlfriend. Juan say what you mean. AJ tell Juan he play joke tell girlfriend he get married long time ago but no get divorce and now wife come back say “I want money pendejo” take company away from AJ. AJ say “Juanito please help por favor. You tell Sarah I no lie”. Juan think AJ joke very mean and AJ girlfriend very nice but Juan say yes that is fine play joke.
AJ tell girlfriend come into office and tell her lie. Juan say yes is true Juan go to wedding long time ago. Sarah say what in the hell but Stephanie come with Juan check and say “Why you tell girlfriend lie pendejo?” AJ say no lie but Juan laugh and that is when girlfriend know AJ tell joke. Stephanie tell Juan come to her office instead AJ and girlfriend must talk now. Juan see AJ later handprint on face. AJ say “thank you Juan” what in the hell it is not my fault you tell girlfriend lie pendejo.
AJ no get married but today Juan answer question from gringo with friend who marry woman get green card.
Dear Juan,
I have a friend who met a girl online. They’ve had a long distance relationship for a year now.
Recently my friend went to visit her where she lives (in Barbados). He came back last week with a big announcement. They’re getting married. This was their first time meeting each other in person.
I know what’s going on. The girl is trying to get a green card and she’s using my friend to do it. Once she gets American citizenship she’s going to leave him and take his money. My friend doesn’t believe me though and is saying that I’m just jealous and I should be happy for him. I don’t want to see him get his heart broken, or worse.
The wedding is in August, so I have until then to try to talk some sense into my idiot friend. What can I do to stop the wedding?
Matt L.
Señor Matt, let Juan tell you story.
Long time ago Juan come to America meet friend Gustavo. Gustavo from Brazil come to America before Juan meet gringa Renee. Gustavo tell Juan he marry Renee and now he is American citizen too. Juan say “okay Gustavo Renee have friend we go on date I marry her become citizen too por favor”. Gustavo tell Juan Renee marry Gustavo to help him but many gringa no do this. Juan very sad tell Mi Hermana Josefina but Mi Hermana Josefina say “ey Juanito why you lazy no marry gringa get green card you study take test like me it is easy I help you do it”. Juan say yes that is fine but no listen and date many crazy gringa anyway but no marry them. Later Juan meet AJ help Juan study and become citizen but Juan no tell that story now.
You read story say “yes Juan but you no answer question”. Señor Matt, Renee marry Gustavo help him get green card Renee also tell Gustavo must sign prenup agreement too. Renee say “is to cover mi cula”. Gustavo say yes he sign prenup agreement when get divorce he no take Renee money Renee no take Gustavo money too. Juan think yes es muy justo.
Señor Matt, your friend must be like Renee and Gustavo. You must tell friend “yes mi amigo I am very happy for you congratulation but amigo I think is very good idea sign prenup agreement woman no take money”. You make friend listen to song by crazy gringo Kanye West Gold digger say “you no punk amigo you holler we want prenup”. Friend say yes is good idea get prenup agreement say woman no take money and house in divorce. You do this then go to friend wedding drink mucho alcohol have sex with many bridesmaid.
Best of luck to you amigo.
Do you have a problem and need Señor Juan’s advice? Leave a comment below or send Juan an email at [email protected], and your question may be answered in a future Dear Juan article!
