AJnet Archives: Back to the Future: My Way (Unfinished article)

This month from the AJnet Archives: What if Back to the Future was remade as a Mafia movie?

In last month’s AJnet Archives article, I reposted an old article from 2011 about a planned remake of Back to the Future starring Justin Bieber as Marty McFly.

As I’ve repeatedly said before, the site’s earlier years were full of edgelord bullshit and racist jokes. Because of this, I was pretty guarded when it came to letting people in my life know that I had a website. I usually kept it secret from coworkers, and even a good chunk of my friends didn’t really know about it.

I did like to talk about the stuff I wrote about though (the stuff that wasn’t edgelord bullshit, anyway), and after originally publishing the Back to the Future reboot article, I found myself talking to a coworker about the whole thing.

We both agreed that this was a travesty, and an assault upon the legacy of a great movie. Justin Bieber as Marty McFly? Ridiculous!

The conversation turned into trying to find the most ridiculous casting choices we could. I suggested Danny Trejo as Biff, but then my coworker countered with Arnold Schwarzenegger. We had Michael Richards (Kramer) as Doc Brown (“It’s a time machine, Jerry!” “A time machine out of a DeLorean? I don’t know Kramer, wouldn’t a Beemer be better?”), so naturally Marty and Jennifer would have to be played by Jerry Seinfeld and Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Wayne Knight ended up as Biff, and Jason Alexander was Principal Strickland. Within five minutes we were basically writing a new episode of Seinfeld. 

What could be more ridiculous than turning Back to the Future into an episode of Seinfeld? Turning it into a Mafia movie, of course.

I don’t remember how exactly we moved away from Seinfeld, but I remember suggesting Joe Pesci as Marty McFly. My coworker and me, both being of Italian ancestry, jumped right in to the Pesci impressions. “Fuck you Biff ya fuckin’ cocksucker!” “What happens to us in the future Doc, do we become a couple of fuckin’ schnooks or something?”

…

Eh, it sounds funnier if you say it out loud I guess.

So now we had Pesci as Marty. Who else would be in our Back to the Future Mafia movie?

We agreed that Ray Liotta had to be in it, so we cast him as Marty’s friend Needles (who would have a much bigger role in our version). James Woods was Biff “Tannenini”. After some debate we agreed that Robert De Niro would be the Doc, Danny DeVito and Marisa Tomei were George and Lorraine McFly, and Burt Young was Principal Strickland.

After an entire seven hour deli counter shift saying Back to the Future lines in Joe Pesci’s voice, I went home and began work on a script. I called it “Back to the Future: My Way”, in reference to the Frank Sinatra song (Sinatra was going to be in this movie too, when Pesci sung “My Way” and Frank’s cousin Marvin Sinatra heard him). For whatever reason, I never finished the article. Knowing me, I probably got distracted by hard liquor and/or a woman and lost interest.

When deciding to do this as an AJnet Archives article, I wasn’t sure how I was going to properly repost it. The article was originally made in Adobe Dreamweaver using tables, during a time when there weren’t a million different viewing devices with a million different resolutions. Having a responsive layout wasn’t quite a necessity yet in 2011. I’m pretty sure my monitor was running at 1366×768, so any layout I crafted was built around that.

My first thought was to screenshot the article, but that felt kind of cheap. Also, there was the small issue of the template being broken (which I’ve mentioned previously). So I’ve opted to take the non-lazy approach by copying and pasting everything, utilizing WordPress’s tables and responsive layout. I’m really not sure how this will look on whatever device you’re reading on. For some reason WordPress tables never want to play nice when I try to use them, and this time it decided it wanted to put the text bubbles slightly under the character speaking, making everything look like an unaligned mess. I spent a good two hours trying to figure out what the hell was going on, only for Carl to take a look and say “Oh, just add this to your custom CSS” and solve it in five seconds with the simplest line of code in the fucking world:

td {
    vertical-align: top;
}

Thanks for making me look like a fucking schnook, Carl.

Anyway, this is “Back to the Future: My Way”, originally started in 2011 and unfinished.

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The other day at work, a coworker and I were musing over the on-going assassination plot against “Back to the Future”. Then we got to thinking: If it’s going to be butchered, why not go the whole way and have some fun doing it? If I was assigned the task of remaking “Back to the Future”, I’d take it in a whole different direction: I’d make it a Mafia movie. Hey, there’s no way in hell I could hold a candle to the original, so why not just make it a completely different movie altogether?

Here’s the cast I’d have:

 

	Joe Pesci as Marty “The Maniac” McFly
	Robert DeNiro as Emmett “Doc” Bruno
	James Woods as Biff “The Bigshot” Tannenini
	Danny Devito as George “The Meatball” McFly
	Marisa Tomei as Lorraine “Nice n’ Easy” Baines-McFly
	Ray Liotta as Douglass “Stab n’ Jab” Needles
	Burt Young as Principal Strickland

 

The story would go something like this.

The movie opens up with a meeting between Biff “The Bigshot” Tannenini, who is a caporegime for the east coast Mafioso Joey “Skinny” Merlino, and his soldier George “The Meatball” McFly. George has run into some trouble with some Latin Kings members who have recently been trying to move on Hill Valley.

	George, compadre, listen. I was in your shoes once. It’s not easy, especially when you’re working for a boss who’s on the other side of the country.
	Biff, I-
	(Sighs) What have I told you about that name? Huh? I told you…
	Not to call you that. I’m sorry Biff- I mean, Bigshot. Just, this whole situation, it’s a giant mess, and-
	“Oh Bigshot, I don’t know what to do! I’m like a lost little sheep without your guidance.” Grow a fucking pair, go down to one of their lowrider meets at Burger King, and tell those spic fucks to get the fuck out of Hill Valley or it’s gonna be a fucking war.
	But Bigshot, it ain’t that easy-
	(Walks in) Heya pops! (Looks over at Biff) Hey Biff ya ugly fucking goon.
	Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to you disrespectful little shit?
	I’m talking to the fucking Tooth Fairy. Who the fuck does it look like I’m talking to? I’m talking to you ya fucking goon.
	Son, don’t.
	Nah pops, fuck this. I’m sick of seeing this fucking prick treating ya like a piece of fucking shit.
	Yeah, you wanna go tough guy? Huh? You think you’ve got big balls little man? Try me. Take a swing.
	I’ll rip ya fucking head off and shove it up ya ass ya fucking faggot!
	You don’t have the balls, kid.
	Why don’t ya ask ya old lady how big my fuckin’ balls are, pencil dick?
	Hey, fuck you!
	Fuck me? Fuck you ya fuckin’ cocksucker!
	You’re finished you little prick!
	(Walks into room) What the fuck is going on in here? Sounds like a couple of fucking broads having a cat fight.
	Needles ya Irish fuck! Howya doin’?
	Marty. (Turns to George) Georgie. (Turns to Biff) Bigshot.
	Heyyyy, Needles! What’s up buddy?
	Aw you know how it is. Same shit, different dame.
	Fucking women, they’re all the same.
	Hahaha, yeah, you ain’t fuckin’ kiddin’!
	They drop your kid out and they think they’re entitled to your whole fucking world.
	That’s something we can all agree on!
	I hear that! Alright, anyway, it’s been a blast, but Marty and I gotta go see the Doc. Crazy son of a bitch wants us to meet him at the mall. Says it’s big or some shit.
	That loopy bastard hasn’t been the same since they put him in charge of the fuckin’ meth labs.
	Haha, yeah. Alright, see ya pops. (Turns to Biff) Take care of yaself, ya fuckin’ schnook.

 

So Marty and Needles leave for the mall. But first, Marty has to check on his business at Hill Valley High School. He pulls up to the front, where a student is waiting for him.

	Heyyyyy, Billy the Kid! How we doin’ today?
	Not good, Maniac. Principal Strickland’s up my ass. I think he’s on to our racket. Just the other day, Mikey Malone came up asking me all kinds of questions, then later I saw him talkin’ to Strickland like they’re best buds. I think he had a wire on him!
	I fuckin’ knew it! This whole fuckin’ school is full of rat bastards! Always has been. Even back when I was your age-
	What are you doing out here, William? You know you’re supposed to be in class.
	Sorry sir, I was running late. My uncle here just dropped me off and-
	This makes five tardies now. And you know what that means.
	Hey Strickland, cut my boy a break, huh? It’s my fault the car didn’t start this morning.
	Still a slacker after all these years, huh Martin?
	Slacker?! You know how hard I work these fucking streets? Huh? Do ya? What the fuck do you do all day? Sit behind a desk touchin’ ya pecker! Fuckin’ pedophile!
	Now you listen to me-
	Nah, you fuckin’ listen ya bald son of a bitch. You leave my nephew here the fuck alone. If I find out you’ve been giving him any more problems you’ll be goin’ for a swim in the middle of the fuckin’ Pacific, you got me?

 

With that settled, Marty and Needles decide to grab a bite to eat at the corner cafe. As they’re eating, a lady approaches the two of them.

	Hey you two! How about a donation?
	Donation? Do I look like I’m made of fuckin’ money, lady?
	‘ey Needles, take it easy, huh? Let’s hear the broad out.
	The Hill Valley Historical Society needs donations to save the clock tower!
	Woah woah, wait a minute. Save the clock tower?! Whaddaya mean save the fuckin’ clock tower?!
	Mayor Goldie Wilson wants to repair the clock tower in the town square, the same clock tower that was struck by lightning on November 12, 1955! It’s a landmark! It’s-
	Holy shit, not the fuckin’ clock tower! I got my whole fuckin’ stash hidden in a drop ceiling in there! They go to repair it and they’ll find it! Then boom, my whole fuckin’ business goes right down the shitter! Skinny’ll have my fuckin’ balls for paper weights!
	If we raise enough money, we can take Mayor Wilson to court and fight this!
	(Hands woman a wad of cash) Here’s a thousand dollars lady. And if that ain’t good enough for Goldie, tell that cocksucker that clock tower’s protected by Skinny Merlino’s boys. He touches that clock tower and I’m gonna cut his fuckin’ head off and mount it on my Wall of Fame.

 

So after finishing their meal, Marty and Needles head down to Twin Pines Mall to meet Emmett “The Doc” Bruno, the man in charge of the Family’s drug operations. As they pull up, Doc is standing next to the window of a car yelling at the occupants.

	Yeah? Well ask Scarboni how he’s gonna talk all that shit when I rip his fuckin’ tongue out of his mouth and use it to polish my fuckin’ hubcaps. (Pause) Well fuck you too then! The deal’s off! (Car pulls away and Doc walks over to Marty and Needles) Marty! Needles! How ya doin’?
	Hey Doc you crazy son of a bitch. What’ve ya got for us? More of that Peruvian shit?
	Nah, fuck that. That shit ain’t nuttin’ compared to what I’m about to show you. What I’ve got in the back of this here truck is gonna change the entire fuckin’ world.
	Aw Doc, you ain’t sellin’ biological shit to those fuckin’ ragheads again, are ya? Skinny’ll have your fuckin’ head!
	Fuck Skinny and his small-time racket. I told you guys, this shit here’s gonna be big. You ready to see some serious shit, boys?
	Alright then Doc, open the fuckin’ truck.

Doc opens the back of the truck to reveal…

 

A modified DeLorean DMC-12!

	Holy fuckin’ shit Doc, that’s the ugliest goddamn DeLorean I’ve ever seen.
	Hey cocksucker, shut the fuck up and let me finish. This ain’t no regular DeLorean. This DeLorean here is the world’s first time machine.
	Man Doc, you know, you’ve said some crazy shit, but this takes the fuckin’ cake. Maybe you oughta give it a rest with the meth labs for a while, huh?
	Hey fuck you Needles. I’ve been clean for three fuckin’ months.
	Now wait a minute Doc. You’re tellin’ me that you built a time machine out of a fuckin’ DeLorean?
	That’s what I’m tryin’ to tell ya Marty!
	Nah, you know what you’re tryin’ to tell me? You’re tryin’ to tell me that you think I was born fuckin’ yesterday. Do I look like a fuckin’ idiot to you? Huh? Do I?
	Why the fuck would I lie to ya Marty? You’re one of my best friends!
	What does this thing run on then Doc, fuckin’ pixie dust and unicorn shit? No, wait, it runs on crystal meth, right?
	Real fuckin’ funny Needles. Actually, it runs on Plutonium.
	Holy fuckin’ shit Doc! You’re tellin’ me that this thing’s fuckin’ nuclear?!
	Plutonium?! Are you outta ya fuckin’ mind?! Jesus fuckin’ Christ, Doc. Where the fuck did you even get that shit from? You don’t just walk into a fuckin’ corner drug store and buy Plutonium!
	I swiped it from some Libyans when I was in San Fran. I told those fuckin’ morons I’d build’em a bomb, then gave’em a casing filled with pinball machine parts and got the fuck outta there.
	You stole nuclear shit from the fuckin’ Libyans?! Are you tryin’ to start a fuckin’ war?! When Skinny finds out about this, he’s gonna have ya fuckin’ whacked!
	Forget the Libyans, what about the Feds? They’ll bring our whole fuckin’ operation down ’cause of this!
	Guys, relax. When we do what I’ve got planned, none of this shit will’ve even happened!
	Relax? We’re going to jail because of you ya fuckin’ egghead! And that’s if Skinny don’t get us first!
	Will you calm the fuck down Needles? We have a fuckin’ time machine. If everything goes according to my plans, Skinny’ll be workin’ for us!
	So what’re ya proposin’ then Doc?
	It’s simple. We go back in time, place some bets, manage some future superstars, maybe invest in a few companies. We’ll be fuckin’ rich. I can see it now. We go back to the 50’s and make Star Wars before George Lucas has hair on his balls. We’ll have Frankie Sinatra as Luke Skywalker, Dean Martin as Han Solo, Sammy Davis Jr. as Lando Calrissian, and Marlon Brando as Jabba the Hutt.
	Now that’s great and all Doc, but what about paradoxes and all that scientific shit? What if I accidentally stop myself from being born or somethin’, like in that movie with that old guy and that kid?
	Needles you dumbass, if you weren’t born, how could you go back in time and stop yourself from being born in the first place?
	Yeah dipshit, but then that would mean I was still alive and able to do it.
	Jesus Christ, this shit’s fuckin’ confusing me here.
	Will you morons calm the fuck down already? You sound like a couple of fuckin’ kids. Even if you whacked your own parents, you’d still be here. See, there’s this thing called the “Many-Worlds Theory”, which says that-

 

The Doc stops mid-sentence and looks past Marty and Needles.

	No fucking way. No fucking way in hell. That’s impossible.
	Hey Doc, ya really need to lay off the hard shit for a while.
	They found me. I don’t know how, but those crazy Hadjis fucking found me.

 

Marty and Needles turn around to see:

 

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Anyone who’s watched Back to the Future knows what Marty and Needles would have seen. In this case, they would have seen former Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi driving the infamous Volkswagen Bus. Marty and Needles would have watched Doc Bruno get shot, then escaped into the past. I always felt that Needles’s character seemed kind of shoe-horned in, so in my version Needles would have been a main character. That, and if you have Ray Liotta in your cast you’d damn well better use him to his fullest.

I wasn’t 100% sure how the movie was going to end exactly (I didn’t even cast anyone as Jennifer Parker), but I do remember what a few of the scenes would have been.

One scene would have had Marty and Needles driving around in 1955, when Marty suddenly stops, gets out of the car, and beats the shit out of a little kid playing on the street. Marty gets back in the car, and Needles asks what that was all about. Marty tells Needles that the kid stole his skateboard when he was younger.

Then of course we’d have to recreate the famous scene of Marty playing “Johnny B. Goode”. Pesci’s Marty McFly would have gotten up there and sung Frank Sinatra’s “My Way”, and “Marvin Sinatra” would have immediately phoned his cousin Frank to let him hear this amazing new song. This could have actually worked, because not a lot of people realize that Joe Pesci can actually kind of sing.

I was also thinking about the sequel too. In the original Back to the Future Part II, old Biff gives young Biff a copy of Grays Sports Almanac, and Marty has to crash the school dance to get it back while avoiding running into himself. In my version, Marty, Needles, and Doc Bruno call in “Timmy No-Neck and the boys from the union” to guard the doors and make sure Biff Tannenini doesn’t get away. I had a picture of James Gandolfini saved with the other pictures, so I’m assuming he would have been Timmy No-Neck. He’d have been posted at the door like a bouncer with his arms crossed, and his big line would have been “Tannenini ain’t gettin’ by me!”

Nancy Sinatra as the “Save the clock tower” lady gets me every time. I just wish I could have worked Lee Hazelwood in there too somehow. Maybe as the owner of the corner cafe?

I have no idea what made me use Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High as the random teenager. I guess it kind of makes sense that he’d be dealing drugs though, so it works.

I also had pictures saved of Joe Mantegna and Al Pacino. I’m not sure what I had planned for them, but chances are Joe Mantegna’s character would have been used for some kind of reference to Fat Tony from The Simpsons. Likewise, I’m sure Pacino would have been reenacting Tony Montana somehow. Maybe the Enchantment Under the Sea dance ends with him going down in a hail of gunfire?

I kind of regret not finishing this article. Had I finished it, “Back to the Future: My Way” would probably have been one of the better articles that I put out in the site’s earlier years. The concept of remaking Back to the Future as a mob movie is just so hilariously insane and absurd that there’s no way it can’t be funny (though I’m sure someone like J.J. Abrams could find a way to fuck it up).

I’m not sure what next month’s AJnet Archives article will be. I do have a couple of removed articles similar to this one that were about Criminal Minds, so maybe I’ll cover those. I also have an unfinished article about a bad day I had at work in 2011. We’ll see how I’m feeling next month.

Last Updated on April 3, 2025