How to make a proper cup of tea

You’re probably making your cup of tea all wrong.

It’s come to my attention that an alarming number of people don’t know how to properly make a cup of tea. Apparently making a cup of tea correctly is the hardest thing in the fucking world for some people.

But don’t worry, AJnet Magazine is here to help all you clueless idiots who have somehow managed to fuck up this simple task.

 

Step 1: Boil the water.

Make it hot somehow. Stovetop, microwave, the hot water tab on the coffee maker, I don’t give a fuck. If you can put your finger in it and leave it there for longer than a fraction of a second, it’s not hot enough.

 

Step 2: Put the teabag into the cup and pour the hot water into the cup.

While you’re waiting for the water to boil, put your teabag into the cup (don’t forget to take it out of the package first, idiot). When the water is ready, pour it directly into the cup.

CAUTION: Water will be hot. Those warnings were made for dummies like you.

 

Step 3: Let the teabag steep.

The package your teabag came in usually has a steeping time. If it doesn’t, you’re drinking liquid garbage (like Lipton). Throw it away and buy some real teabags (like Twinnings).

I find that five minutes seems to work best for most tea, but sometimes I’ll let it go to seven minutes to give it that extra kick.

 

Step 4: Don’t leave the fucking teabag in.

This is the part most of you idiots fuck up. Take the teabag out when it’s done steeping. Otherwise your tea is going to be bitter and nasty.

Stupid motherfuckers will leave the teabag in for the 30+ minutes it takes them to drink the cup of tea then turn around and complain that they don’t like tea and it tastes nasty. Yeah, no shit dumbass. What did you think the tea was going to taste like if you steeped it for half an hour?

Don’t drink your tea with the teabag still in it.

 

Step 5: Add honey or whatever else you want.

I like my tea the same way I like my women: Bold and black.

But I acknowledge that some people might like to put stuff in their tea to enhance the flavor. Now’s the time to add that honey, sugar, creamer, whatever. Then you can sip your overly-sweetened drink and contemplate why you suck so hard at life that you needed a tutorial on how to make a cup of tea.