REDDIT REVUE: r/Cooking
This month’s Reddit Revue: r/Cooking!
I’ll cut right to the chase here.
I’m fucking sick as a dog right now. What I thought was just a Sunday morning hangover has turned into either a mild flu or a terrible head cold. My nose is runny and stuffed, I have chills and a headache, and little to no energy. I feel like hot buttered shit. My girlfriend has provided me with some relief in the form of Chef Woo’s spicy tequila lime soup cups (which taste better than they sound), and my CFO Stephanie has made me enough chicken noodle soup to last me an entire month, but the only real cure here is time. And NyQuil. Lots and lots of NyQuil. The good news is that by the time this publishes I’ll either be feeling better or be dead, so I can’t lose in the long-term.
I was originally going to do r/IAmVeryCulinary this month, but upon further inspection the format of posts isn’t very conducive to doing a Reddit Revue. What does that mean exactly? It means I’m too lazy and sick to put in any real effort, so rather than find a way to make it work I’m calling an audible and doing r/Cooking instead.
r/Cooking is a subreddit dedicated to the culinary arts, and home to some of the biggest self-aggrandizing twats I’ve ever seen. Everyone on r/Cooking thinks they’re Remy from Ratatouille but in reality most of them are barely Rizzo from The Muppets. When these people aren’t sniffing their own cooking, they’re probably sniffing their own farts.
I’ve got nothing else to say. Seriously, I feel like dog shit right now. Here’s the article. This one’s getting phoned in (well, technically they’re all phoned in, since I do Reddit Revue articles on my phone, but still) and I’m getting back to sleeping off whatever the fuck this illness is.
Here’s r/Cooking.
Bold of you to call yourself a good cook and admit that you can’t make something as simple as tomato soup in the same sentence.
Bitch get the fuck out of here with that shit. The food police WILL come, they WILL arrest you, and you WILL go to prison. Federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.
Especially if you put pineapples on pizza.
My girlfriend.
This is where I’d plug Chef Jeff, if the guy didn’t just write one article for us then disappear into the void.
Send it to the retard from earlier.
“Porcupine meatballs” sounds like something that gets served alongside “roadkill stew”.
She obviously means legendary musician Herb Alpert, and Pro Football Hall of Fame cornerback Herb Adderley, you fucking idiot.
Lmao dude got bullied into deleting his posts because he suggested not using garlic for a date night meal.
If this subreddit is anything to go by, manners and respect for others.
Try not being a little bitch.
It’s called “Stank Cooch Casserole”, and can be readily procured from Kensington and Allegheny in exchange for $50 or some fent-laced heroin.
This is the perfect opportunity to plug Juan’s chili recipe.
My breakfast this morning consisted of Chef Woo’s spicy tequila lime soup, so your husband can kindly eat a dick.
I fucking hate you so much, LostMyPercolatorFish.
Our very own advice columnist Señor Juan addressed this very topic!
Your mom.
This misconception that consuming fat makes you fat needs to die. Your body needs fats for hormone regulation, among other things.
Butter isn’t going to make someone get fat again, retard. Humans have been consuming butter for around 10,000 years. What WILL make them fat again is the fact that they likely have no self-control, which is most likely a result of their busy lives.
“Golumpkis” sounds like made-up Yiddish that you’d hear in a Mel Brooks movie or from Judd Hirsch’s character in Independence Day.
$14/oz for cinnamon. Why does it seem like everyone on Reddit is just fucking loaded with cash?
“Killing Nazis works up an appetite. That’s why I like to snack on Garrett’s Cheese Popcorn!”
I recommend Chef Woo’s spicy tequila lime soup.
…
Give me a fucking sponsorship already, guys.
You are quite literally retarded.
What is the cure for such disorders? Beatings. Convert to Islam my brother, and no longer will she be able to behave in such a childish manner, inshallah.
And when you’re done explaining that, what’s the difference between rump roast and butt steak?
Get new friends.
You shouldn’t be playing in the kitchen without adult supervision. Wait until your mother gets home, she’ll cook it for you.
Watch Hell’s Kitchen, assume it’s an accurate depiction of the average chef’s career, then spend tens of thousands of dollars going to culinary school and learning all kinds of fancy cooking skills only to spend the rest of your life working in diners that make the stuff on Kitchen Nightmares look tame. If you’re lucky you’ll open up your own restaurant, which will fail within a year.
Y’all think that was a joke, but I worked in restaurants and diners for five or six years and saw this all the time.
My girlfr- okay I’m done
Oh fuck I’ve gotta write an outro for this shit too, don’t I?
I barely know where the fuck I’m at right now let alone what I’m doing for next month’s Reddit Revue. But since it’s February I’ll probably do something related to romance. Suggestions are always welcome, leave a comment or send an email, blah blah blah, whatever, I’m going back to bed now.