State of the Website Address 2025
Is it that time already?
18 years.
That’s how long this site has existed as of today.
Somehow we managed to do it. I don’t know how, but we did it. We made it to 18 years. My baby has become a full-fledged adult.
As such, this year we’re getting serious. This isn’t some childish publication having keggers in the woods anymore. We’re adults now, and we need to act like it.
It’s time to put away our toys and put on our suits and ties. It’s time for AJnet Magazine to grow up. No more childish articles about people on Reddit or ramblings from some drunk idiot. No more Japanese cartoons or articles written by an eight year old in complete disregard for child labor laws. From now on we’ll be focusing on only the latest trending topics and social issues. Be it the geopolitical situation in eastern Europe, stock market forecasts, homosexuality in Botswana, or even celebrity gossip, AJnet Magazine will be there to cover it.
All that stuff I just said?
This year we’re gonna go fucking nuts. Balls to the wall and steel-toed boots to your balls. We’re going to take your balls, nail them to the wall, then kick the shit out of them with steel-toed boots. We’re going hard af up in this bitch.
Here’s what we’re actually going to do this year.
1. Gorilla marketing
No, I didn’t misspell “guerilla”.
This year AJnet Magazine will begin its “Gorilla Marketing Campaign”, a year-long campaign to aggressively promote the site and reach new audiences everywhere. Gorillas are some of the most aggressive animals in the animal kingdom, and AJnet Magazine will be the most aggressive publication in the publication game.
Knocking on doors, putting up posters, spraypainting graffiti on walls, armed robbery, arson, hacking, hijacking, human trafficking, extortion, and even kidnapping. Just some of the ways we’ll be promoting the site this year.
Jamir in Legal has just advised me to clarify that the last paragraph was just a joke. I’ve just advised him to go read AJnet Magazine. That’s the kind of aggressive promotion you can expect from AJnet Magazine in 2025. If law enforcement comes knocking at our door about that last paragraph I’ll tell them the same thing: Go read AJnet Magazine. They have to if they’re investigating me, right? Boom, instant traffic. Bonus points if I get to read an article to an entire courtroom full of people.
But if someone commits a murder, mass shooting, terrorist attack, or other mass casualty event then that’s not us, even if they try to claim it is. So don’t blame us when that happens, we don’t know those people and have never seen them before in our lives. But we’ll welcome your readership all the same.
2. Retiring R.A.N.T.E.R.
The AI revolution has ended, and the humans win again.
While we haven’t completely decommissioned R.A.N.T.E.R., she won’t be writing any further articles for the site.
Last year when R.A.N.T.E.R. went nuts and tried to destroy the world, Carl neutered her learning center to prevent that sort of thing from ever happening again. This had the unfortunate side effect of removing her ability to curse. We thought it wouldn’t be such a big deal, but the articles she was putting out were just straight up garbage. Just look at this shit. “Let us savor our digital cheesesteak without your unsolicited feedback”. What the fuck does that even mean? Instead of being angry, R.A.N.T.E.R. was tepid at best. Her entire purpose was to rant (hence the name R.A.N.T.E.R.), and since she can’t do that anymore there’s no point letting her continue to write. She’ll still be around in various other capacities, like making title cards for Frosty or cohosting with me on the upcoming podcast.
If this displeases you, please direct all blame to Carl. Seriously dude, you can build a fucking sentient robot but she can’t curse unless she has the capability to destroy the entire world? I invite everyone to leave hateful messages in the comments directed at Carl for his idiocy.
Fuck you Carl, I hope you choke on your mustard-covered ham and cheese sandwich, you piece of shit.
3. Dumping my girlfriend
If she keeps up her shit I’m dumping her ass. You know exactly what I’m talking about, bitch.
4. Other websites
We’ve been teasing other projects for months now, like a news site for stuff related to aliens, a partnership with Uncle Paco, and a fitness site. We’ve made absolutely no headway on any of them. It’s time to start actually working on this shit.
5. Jerk Juice – The AJnet Energy Drink
Notice how I’m always talking about some guy named Sam?
What if I told you that guy named Sam was none other than legendary fitness YouTuber Sam Sulek?
This year AJnet Magazine will be partnering with my good friend Sam Sulek to create and sell a line of energy drinks called Jerk Juice.
Unlike that asshole Logan Paul we’re not going to lie about who our demographic is. We’re selling this shit to kids, plain and simple. We’ve got all kinds of great flavors planned, like Angry Apple, Watermelon Juan, Kanye Kooler (grape), and Orange Frosty. Kids everywhere will become hooked to this potent blend of caffeine, taurine, folic acid, creatine, and other nutrients that people completely misunderstand but still flood their bodies with anyway.
Expect Jerk Juice to hit store shelves by summer.
6. The AJnet Comic Book
Can you believe that, after 18 years, we’ve never done a comic book?
That changes this fall.
We don’t have a title for it yet (and we should probably get on that soon), but the AJnet comic book is going to be great. I can’t really say anything about the plot, but the comic stars AJ, Señor Juan, Frosty, and the Hatersaurus. Together, the four will embark on a journey that will change the universe forever.
The comic will officially release on the AJnet Magazine Storefront in September, but those of you going to the San Diego Comic Con will be able to purchase the first issue early at our booth, Booth 1605. I’ll be joined at Comic Con this year by Frosty, Kanye West, and my CFO Stephanie, so be sure to stop by and say hi!
7. Hiring an intern
I have no idea what’s going on with my writers anymore.
Troy Jackson was lying about his credentials, so I graciously have him another chance. The guy wrote one article about Joe Biden then hasn’t written shit since.
I’m pretty sure Chef Jeff was whacked by the mob, I haven’t heard anything from him in months.
J.R. Heston writes whenever the fuck he wants to, which seems to only be once every three months.
The Department of Labor is starting to ask questions about Timmy, namely why I have an eight year old on the company payroll. Even worse, my sister is starting to ask questions, like “Why the fuck didn’t you ask my permission to let my son write stupid shit on your website?”
I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you, we’re hurting here folks. We need new blood, and we needed it yesterday.
That’s why I’m bringing aboard an intern. This year, AJnet Magazine will welcome its very first intern, Deepak. Deepak is currently a student at Rutgers University, studying public policy. What does public policy have to do with AJnet Magazine? Absolutely nothing.
Still, we took in Deepak anyway, and this year he’ll be contributing to the site. We look forward to seeing what he comes up with.
8. Adeptus Drunkus (Frosty/Warhammer 40K crossover)
What happens when our resident alcoholic and village idiot suddenly finds himself thrust 38,000 years into a merciless and violent future?
Chaos.
In Adeptus Drunkus, AJnet Magazine staff writer Frosty Mugg finds himself flung across time and space, appearing right in the middle of the Battle of Isstvan III. The book, which takes place during the events of the Horus Heresy, will answer the questions you’ve all been asking since five seconds ago when you started reading this, such as “Who would win in a fight, Frosty or 27 Space Marines?”, “Is Frosty too drunk to be corrupted by the Warp?”, “How much Fenrisian Ale can Frosty drink?”, “What the fuck is Warhammer 40K?”, and “Who the hell actually greenlit this shit?”
Adeptus Drunkus will be available for purchase on Amazon in late May.
9. Buying politicians
The AJnet Organization is going shopping!
All the big companies have politicians in their pockets, and we want in on the fun. We’ll be buying as many congressmen (and congresswomen, we don’t discriminate here at AJnet) and other politicians as we can. We have interests too, and it’s time to forward those interests.
Being non-partisan, party affiliations don’t matter to us. Democrats, Republicans, independents, whoever. From AOC to Marjorie Taylor Greene to Mike Kelly to Summer Lee, the AJnet Organization is interested in buying your representation!
Any politician interested in being on the AJnet Organization payroll please contact us.
10. More fist fights
Talk shit get hit motherfucker. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, and only the strongest can survive and claw their way to the top.
That’s why this year AJnet is fist fighting everybody. Anyone who wants to talk shit can catch these hands. The CEO of Copytrack? Catch us outside boul. All you punk ass bitches sitting there saying “This site isn’t funny”? We see you on the streets and we’re swinging on you. That guy Michael Bradshaw who sent me hatemail 15 years ago? We’re gonna send him to the fucking ground.
We’re not fucking around anymore, motherfuckers are straight up getting rolled on this year. Everyone wants to talk some shit but how the fuck are they going to run their mouths when their jaws are wired shut? Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.
Fuck around and find out.
11. The TRUE and HONEST return of the AJnet Forums
Sike
Last Updated on January 30, 2025
