New Year’s resolutions are for weak-minded idiots who never actually accomplish anything.
It’s that time of the year again. I’m talking about the beginning of the year, when idiots everywhere collectively decide “This is the year I’m gonna make a change!”
These changes come in the form of “New Year’s resolutions”, promises that lazy assholes love to gloat about on social media but never seem to keep. “This year I’m going to hit the gym and stop eating junk food!” “This is the year I go back to school and get that degree!” Within two weeks they’re coming up with excuses about why they can’t make it to the gym today while they swear that tomorrow they’ll definitely work off the donut they’re currently smacking down. New year, same shit.
Has anyone ever actually kept their fitness-related New Year’s resolutions? I always see people talking all this shit about how it’s “their year” and how they’re going to make all kinds of big changes and do all these great things for themselves, but I never actually see a follow-through on any of it. By the end of the month they’re back to stuffing their faces and sitting on their asses binging Game of Thrones or whatever the most popular overrated show is right now.
When I finally decided to get up off my fat ass and stop being fat, I didn’t wait until the first of January to do it. I started that shit in September, and I started right there and then. Any junk food I had laying around got tossed in the trash, I went out to the garage that day and began lifting weights. I fell off the wagon more than once, but eventually I did it so much that it became second nature to me. Now I couldn’t even imagine skipping a workout, and I keep my diet no less than 85% clean, even when I’m bulking. I didn’t make a bunch of empty social media posts about how I was going to do it, I didn’t wait until the beginning of a new year to start. If you’re serious about doing something then chances are you won’t wait for some bullshit date on the calendar to do it.
I’m going to create a franchise of pop-up gyms that cater to New Year’s rezzers. They’ll open up at the beginning of the month and close at the end of January. Memberships will run monthly, and they’ll keep running even after the gyms close down for the year. When people try to cancel their memberships they’ll have to come visit in-person or send a notarized letter via certified mail. We’ll be combining the business models of Spirit of Halloween and Planet Fitness, two very successful companies. How’s THAT for a New Year’s resolution?
I’d probably have more respect for these people if they were honest with their New Year’s resolutions. You never hear people set resolutions like “I’m going to eat like shit and gain 30 lbs this year” or “I’m going to keep dickriding my chosen political party”. Nobody’s setting realistic goals, so they’re repeatedly failing and digging themselves deeper into their holes. If you set simple and realistic goals for yourself, you’re basically guaranteed to succeed. I wrote about this 15 years ago, and the logic still holds up to the test of time. Don’t set New Year’s resolutions you’re never going to keep, set ones that you know you’ll keep and you’ll feel like a winner every day.
You could even go the opposite direction and go all-in with insane resolutions. Tell people this is the year you’ll finally bed Scarlett Johansson. Let them know of your intent to enlist in the military and become a Delta Force operator, where you’ll set the record for longest recorded sniper shot when you personally take out Kim Jong Un. Get creative, go balls to the wall. The sky’s the limit. But not for you, because you’ll be starting your astronaut training by July.
People who set New Year’s resolutions fail 100% of the time. The desire to accomplish goals isn’t something that should only come once a year. If you want to make a positive change in your life or get something done, shut the fuck up and just do it.