It’s time for a recap of my year, in beer!
Howdy ho Muggheads!
The New Year is almost here. And I’m almost out of beer! Beer right back!
Okay I’m back with a new beer. Happy new beer!
I’m sorry, that was terrible. But you know what WASN’T terrible? This past year! AJ’s always complaining, saying “Frosty, all you do is drink my beer and write about things that happened a long time ago.” That’s not true at all. I drink my own beer too! In fact, I’m drinking my own beer right now, so put THAT in your mug and drink it AJ!
Sure, I write about the good old days a lot. You’re always telling me to “write something good”, aren’t you Mr. Editor-in-chief? Well what’s gooder than the good times I had in the good old days?
But since it’s so close to the new year, today I’m going to write about the things I did THIS year.
Do you know what I did this year? I do! I drank beer!
In fact, drinking beer is how I remember what I did! Some people (who are wimps!!) complain that beer makes them forget what they did, but I’ve got this rare medical condition that’s called “Not being a wimp” so beer doesn’t make me forget anything. Without beer I wouldn’t remember anything. One time I went a whole year without beer and I completely lost my marbles. If I hadn’t lost my bet with Edwin I would have been able to drink beer, and I would have remembered where my marbles were and I would have saved a whole lot of people a whole lot of hassle! Especially that angry guy from the government who beat me up a lot.
This is what I did last year- er, this year. This is Frosty’s Beer-In-Review!
Grolsch
I drank this beer when I went to my friend Jeff’s house. All he did was play some game called Eve. The whole point of this stupid game is to sit around in a spaceship and listen to nerds talk to each other about nerd stuff. Talk about boring!
The beer was pretty good though, and it came in this really cool bottle:
All beer should come in bottles like this, because so much beer gets accidentally spilled every year, and having a stopper on the bottle would prevent this. Grolsch is doing their part to fight alcohol abuse!
Lancaster Baked Pumpkin Ale
One of Edwin’s Chippendale buddies gave me this at the Halloween party (this year, not that one in 2013 where I puked on a kid in a Dracula costume!). It’s called “Baked Pumpkin Ale” by Lancaster Brewing Co. I thought Amish people didn’t drink beer but I guess it’s okay if they make it as long as they don’t drink it.
Hey, did I ever tell you guys (and girls, AJ says we don’t discriminate here at AJnet!!) about the time I got lost in Lancaster and thought I traveled through time? (Yes, you did. Read it here. ~Ed.)
I can tell this beer was made by someone who doesn’t drink beer because it tastes like a crappy liquid pumpkin pie. After three or four of them it doesn’t taste like pumpkin pie anymore, it tastes like poop.
I think Edwin’s friend was pretty baked though. He kept trying to get me to hit a joint but your pal Frosty doesn’t touch grass! I like mugs, not drugs! Then Edwin came up and said “Puff on THIS!” while grabbing his wiener.
The party was fun (and yes, readers, it DID end with a bunch of shirtless guys dancing in the middle of the living room!!) but Lancaster Baked Pumpkin Ale tastes like poopkin pie. Steer clear of this here beer:
Hard Mountain Dew
I did a whole article on Hard Mountain Dew already, so go read that!
Okay, so AJ says I can’t just tell you to go read the old article and I have to write something.
Something!
I had Hard Mountain Dew at my pal Burger’s house and it tasted like hard piss from a hard dong. Burger’s party was fun, right up until the part where I puked my guts up onto his floor thanks in no small part to this nasty drink!
Don’t drink Hard Mountain Dew!
Bud Ice
One night I ended up at a house party with some homeless crackheads and they were all drinking Bud Ice tall boys. I don’t normally drink this stuff but free beer is free beer, and when a homeless man offers you a drink it’s rude to refuse!
I was already pretty drunk but this beer still sucked. The can is fun to play with though!
Not only can you use the can to make jokes about your wiener, you can also turn it into a crack pipe. That’s probably why homeless crackheads like Bud Ice so much. I don’t do drugs (hey remember when I said that earlier? Good times!) so I wish I could turn the empty beer can into more beer instead.
Yuengling Lager
Now this is the real deal!
Good beer and good times! Yuengling Lager is what we in the drinking business call “the good stuff”. Whenever I hit Yellowz and tell Barty “Give me my usual”, Barty always says “Stop calling me that, my name’s Mike”. But then he gives me a nice cold mug of this.
You know how AJ’s always complaining that I’m drinking all his beer? His beer is always Yuengling Lager! If AJ doesn’t want me drinking his beer, then maybe he should stop buying the good stuff and maybe I won’t drink it!
As a matter of fact, I’m sitting here in AJ’s house right now drinking a mug:
That CUSTOM LIMITED EDITION I’M FEELING FROSTY BEER MUG is NOT for sale, readers!
Or is it?! (It’s not. ~Ed.)
But you know what IS for sale? I do! It’s Yuengling Lager! AJnet Magazine will sell you a case of Yuengling Lager right now, and all you have to do is email us your credit card number and address! (Editor’s note: Please don’t actually do this)
Speaking of that, AJ is out of beer. I’d better go let him know so he can buy more. I know I’d be pretty upset if I went to grab a beer but there was none left and nobody told me.
See you all next year!
Angry_Jerk