Xyzabcrst wants to know about Santa Claus.
In February of 2023, an unidentified flying object was shot down over Lake Huron and retrieved by the US military. Its sole occupant, an extraterrestrial biological entity named Xyzabcrst, was taken to an undisclosed military facility codenamed “The Grotto” and interviewed by base personnel. The transcripts of these interviews have been provided by an AJnet Organization operative working inside a three letter agency.
The following is a transcript of an interview with Xyzabcrst about Santa Claus.
Major: It is currently 1345 hours on Wednesday, December 20th, 2023. This is US Air Force Major [REDACTED] along with US Army Lieutenant [REDACTED], presently at the Grotto to interview captured extraterrestrial biological entity known as Xyzabcrst.
How are you feeling this afternoon, Xyzabcrst?
Xyzabcrst: I am feeling very interested.
Major: Interested? What are you interested in, Xyzabcrst?
Xyzabcrst: This person you call “Santa Claus”. I would like to know more about him.
The Major laughs.
Major: Alright, what did you want to know about Santa?
Xyzabcrst: Does he really deliver presents to all young humans across your planet in the span of one rotation?
Lieutenant: Santa Claus is-
Major: Yes he certainly does!
Lieutenant: [REDACTED] what are you doing-
Xyzabcrst: How does Santa Claus do this?
Major: Well you see Xyzabcrst, Santa has a flying sleigh pulled by eight reindeer.
Lieutenant: Actually, it’s nine reindeer. You forgot Rudolph.
Major: Right, of course. Nine reindeer. Santa flies around the world in his sleigh pulled by nine reindeer on Christmas and delivers presents to all children everywhere.
Xyzabcrst: I do not understand, from all of my observation this should be impossible by your species’ current level of technological development. Traveling at the required speed would cause cataclysmic damage to your planet. Only one other species in the galaxy is known to possess this capability. Is this Santa Claus from the star system you call “Arcturus”?
Major: No, Santa is human just like myself and Lieutenant [REDACTED].
Xyzabcrst: And he can visit each individual residence across your entire planet in the span of a single rotation? My estimates place the number of residences on your planet at close to two billion. The precision and logistics required to carry this out are unfathomably complex and would typically require a small fleet.
Major: It looks like you might have underestimated us, huh Xyzabcrst?
The Lieutenant chuckles.
Xyzabcrst: How can I meet this Santa Claus? I would like to inquire about his sleigh’s propulsion system.
Lieutenant: If you’re good this month then maybe Santa will pay you a visit!
Xyzabcrst: I will be on my best behavior!
Inaudible whispering.
Major: Do you want to know how Santa gets into houses, Xyzabcrst?
Xyzabcrst: Yes, please tell me!
Major: Santa can manipulate the atomic composition of objects such as walls and go right through them.
Xyzabcrst: That is impossible. Humans have not discovered atomic manipulation yet, have they?! How does Santa Claus do this?
Major: With special magic.
Xyzabcrst: My research has shown that this thing your species calls “magic” does not exist. How it is possible that Santa Claus utilizes this “magic”?
Lieutenant: It’s not really magic, we just call it that because we don’t understand it.
Xyzabcrst: I see. This Santa Claus is among the most powerful of your species and capable of things that normal humans cannot do. Perhaps this is due to his intelligence, or he has acquired technology from another race. I am unsure, and will have to do further research into this matter.
Major: You go ahead and do that, Xyzabcrst. Me and Lieutenant [REDACTED] are going to step out for a while, but we’ll be back to see what you’ve learned about Santa. In the meantime, make sure you behave yourself. Otherwise Santa’s not going to visit you!
Xyzabcrst: I will be on my best behavior!
Major: Very well. See you in a little bit.
A door opens and footsteps are heard. The door closes.
Major: He’s not going to be happy when we get back.
Lieutenant: I don’t understand, he knew the Easter Bunny wasn’t real, but he believes Santa is? I thought he was observing us and researching our cultures and traditions and stuff?
Major: It’s probably best if we don’t think too much about it, Lieutenant [REDACTED]. Hey, I think you forgot to shut the camera off.
Lieutenant: Whoops, you’re right.
The audio abruptly cuts off.