Feliz navidad amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan!
Juan get many email ask for advice but Juan also get many email ask about Mexico. Gringo have many question about Mexico and Juan no answer all but today Juan answer question from gringo who ask how Mexican celebrate Christmas:
Dear Juan,
Hola mí amigo! I love your advice column and I read it all the time. It’s even inspired me to try to learn Spanish. ¡Señor Juan es el mejor! I sent you a question a while back but you probably get so much email that you missed it… It’s cool though, I still love you!
I know you’re an advice column but I’m still going to ask anyway because I really want to know. How do they celebrate Christmas in Juarez? Is it like up here in America where the whole family gets together and people give each other presents, or is it smaller and simpler because nobody has money?
It would be the best Christmas present ever if you answered my question!
Brooke D.
PS: I hope Uncle Paco is doing better!
Ey Señora Brooke muchas gracias! Juan have bad day but then Juan read email feel happy.
Uncle Paco feel better now no work as hard. Boricua Luis say “Paco you must take it easy amigo you no young man anymore you work hard all life now is time to enjoy it”. Uncle Paco say yes you are right Luis. Uncle Paco still work but take day off too.
You want to know how we celebrate Christmas in Ciudad Juárez no ask question advice but that is okay because it is Christmas and you say nice thing to Juan so Juan answer question anyway.
In America gringo chop down big tree put in room and decorate but in Ciudad Juárez is no big tree so Mi Hermana Josefina give Juan axe say “Juanito go chop down cactus por favor”. Juan chop down cactus and get needle stuck in hand hurt very bad. Mi Hermano Rico come too and say “Why you no wear glove pendejo?” give Juan cactus glove. What in the hell why Mi Hermano Rico no give cactus glove before Juan grab cactus.
Juan put cactus in back of Uncle Paco truck bring home but cartel say “ey amigo we own cactus dame dinero por favor”. Uncle Paco give cartel 500 pesos and free shirt too. Bring cactus home and Mi Hermana Josefina say “okay niños now we decorate cactus de navidad”. In America gringo decorate Christmas tree with lights and balls but in Ciudad Juárez Mexican decorate cactus with Coca Cola bottle cap maracas and avocado no afford bright gringo light and balls. Gringo put big star or angel on top of tree but Mexico put sombrero on top of cactus.
Gringo tell child fat old white man in red Santa Claus bring present everywhere in world. Mexico say yes but Santa owe cartel mucho dinero so no bring present to Mexico. That is fine because El Niño Dios bring Mexico present instead. Cartel say “ey punk what you do no bring present no pay us we kill you cabrón”. El Niño Dios tell cartel “I am El Niño Dios you no kill me stupid idiot you kill me I tell Señor Dios you no go to heaven when you die go to hell with el diablo instead”. That is because El Niño Dios is baby Jesús Cristo. Cartel say “aye yai yai okay El Niño Dios perdóname we no kill you you are son of God and baby too. Eres muy lindo no kill El Niño Dios.” Fat old man Santa Claus fly around with deer and have little person make present like slave but El Niño Dios use magic make present appear next to cactus.
American sing many song about Christmas. Mexican sing song too. You say “yes Juan I know this Mexican sing song Feliz Navidad they sing here too”. Feliz Navidad no sing by Mexican. Boricua sing Feliz Navidad song instead. You say you learn Spanish Juan teach you Spanish right now boricua how you say Puerto Rican. Boricua Luis from Puerto Rico and man who sing Feliz Navidad song also from Puerto Rico. Mexican sing song about Christmas El Burrito de Belén. El Burrito de Belén song about little boy who ride el burro see El Niño Dios. You listen to song is very good you sing tuki tuki tuki.
Parent tell gringo child story Night Before Christmas. Let Juan tell you story Mi Hermana Josefina tell little Juanito.
Mi Hermana Josefina tell Juan story about Niño Héctor. Niño Héctor very bad beat up other boy and kick neighbor dog. Niño Héctor abuela tell Niño Héctor “Héctor mi nieto you must behave El Niño Dios watch you no bring present on Christmas”. Niño Héctor no listen and Christmas morning run to cactus think he get present. Instead Niño Héctor get poop. Niño Héctor open present find poop diaper and letter from El Niño Dios say “Te estaba mirando Héctor”. Mi Hermana Josefina tell little Juanito “No be good El Niño Dios leave poop diaper under cactus” so little Juanito be very good.
Gringo and Mexican celebrate Christmas different but also celebrate Christmas same too, Señora Brooke. Both celebrate with la familia give present too. Many year ago little gringo child Georgia ask Juan if Santa Claus is real and Juan tell her yes Santa Claus is spirit of kindness is very good article you go read now. That is what Christmas is about Señora Brooke. Gringo and Mexican both know both Christmas about love family help person and give many present sing song too. That is how we celebrate Christmas in Ciudad Juárez.
Feliz navidad amiga!
Do you have a problem and need Juan’s advice? Send him an email at [email protected] or leave a comment below and your question may be answered in a future Dear Juan article!
Angry_Jerk