This month’s Battlestation Review: Stuffed animals, candles, jellyfish, airsoft, and microscopes!
Can you believe that I still haven’t come up with a proper name for this series yet?
We’re on like the third Battlestation Review and I’m still over here putting “better name pending” on the title cards. I don’t know why it’s so hard to come up with a good name for this shit, you’d think that naming a series about reviewing other people’s setups would be a layup (especially for the guy who came up with Reddit Revue), but here I am seemingly bankrupt of any creative naming capabilities.
I’ll tell y’all what. I’m going to crowdsource this one to you (yes, YOU!) the reader. I’m inviting readers to submit their own clever and creative names for this series. The winner will receive absolutely nothing. No money, no thanks, no credit whatsoever. I’ll probably act like I came up with the name myself too. But you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that you had your idea stolen by AJnet Magazine, the internet’s #1 source for humor, opinion, and reviews.
Oh alright, we’re probably more like #216 but still.
So hurry up and send those names to [email protected] or leave them in the comments below. The winner will be notified by seeing the name being used in the next Battlestation Review article and me taking credit for coming up with it. We’ve got another one of these probably coming in February, so we need this shit soon.
Anyway, this month we’ve got some real good ones for you. We’ve got a guy with Monster High dolls, another guy with candles and Harry Potter VHS tapes, some jellyfish from AliExpress, airsoft guns, and even microscopes. That’s right, motherfucking microscopes. Ron FUCKING Paul.
And away we go!
1. Get Stuffed
Only on 4chan will you find a CRT monitor, a Paris Hilton vinyl record, and a massive collection of Monster High dolls together in the same picture.
This shit is awesome, and I don’t care what anyone says. This is definitely the setup of a 20 year old guy who lives at home, doesn’t work, and doesn’t give a fuck. We see a lot of degenerates on 4chan, but this guy isn’t one of them. Let me break it down for you.
First, look at those desks. That’s a classic IKEA Lagkapten/Alex combo, with white drawers and the faux-wood tops. This is a guy with class and dignity, not some creepo posting pictures of his feet in stockings. I went with white tables on my setup, and I constantly regret it. In fact, I regret buying IKEA altogether, but that’s a different story. If you’re going to go IKEA though, always get the Lagkapten tables with the faux-wood. Points awarded for aesthetic.
CRTs are always good, and I’ll always award points for them.
Up above, we’ve got the largest collection of stuffed animals I’ve ever seen, including an assortment of Pokémon. I also see a stuffed KK Slider. Points awarded for giving respect to the rock star of Animal Crossing. I’m also kind of impressed that you have all those up there so securely without it looking messy. Points also awarded for giving the stuffed animals good lighting.
On the wall, we’ve got some vinyls. One is Paris Hilton’s Paris, I’m not sure what the one with the swimsuit is, but the one hiding behind the Bratz dolls is definitely a Lana Del Rey album. There’s also a few more but they’re too obscured by the dolls to make out. That’s a very bold choice of vinyl, but if I somehow acquired a Paris Hilton album I’d probably put it on my wall too. As for Lana Del Rey, I don’t really have a strong opinion on her music either way. Points awarded, but you should consider moving the other vinyls somewhere where they can be seen. You’ve got plenty of open wall space, utilize it.
Then there’s the massive doll collection. We’ve got a mix of Bratz and Monster High. Even on 4chan this isn’t something you really see, and some people might find it kind of weird. Those people are fucking stupid, this shit is based. While people are dropping hundreds of dollars on those creepy ass American Girl dolls or Barbie, this guy’s going for aesthetic. Say what you will, but Bratz and Monster High dolls are at least visually appealing, which is why they were so popular with little girls. American Girl dolls look like they’re going to stab me to death in my sleep. Points awarded for collecting fun dolls instead of murder dolls.
Don’t think I don’t see that Miku on your desk. Points awarded.
This is a pretty neat setup with quite a bit of potential that’s still untapped. Move those hidden vinyls, clean that shit up off the floor, and make your bed. Other than that though, this NEETstation gets a 6/10.
2. Harry Potter and the 42 VHS Tapes
Only on 4chan will you find candles, someone playing GTA San Andreas, and 42 copies of Harry Potter on VHS all on the same desk.
On one hand, I love the ambiance. Candles, a stone wall (technically it’s just the chimney but I don’t care), and crystals. Points awarded.
On the other hand (the “Red Right Hand”, judging by the Nick Cave poster), this shit is fucking unhinged. Grand Theft Auto San Andreas on the original Xbox, pills, and 42 copies of Harry Potter on VHS. No, really, I sat there and counted. There’s at least 42 copies of the movie in that pile. What the fuck is going on over there? Points awarded for a properly executed “WTF?!” setup.
As far as schizostations go, this one is actually pretty decent. There’s a nice fantasy aesthetic here with the candles, stone chimney, crystals, and that chainmail headpiece. San Andreas is, in my opinion, the best Grand Theft Auto game ever made, and the fact that you’re playing it on the original Xbox on a CRT TV is pretty baller. I don’t know the story behind the Harry Potter VHS tapes, but now I really want to know.
6/10, take your meds and this setup could be something great.
3. AliExpress Jellyfish
Contrary to popular belief, there is such a thing as too much kawaii, and this battlestation teeters right on the edge of being excessive without going all the way over. There’s still a hint of subtlety here, and that’s what’s keeping this from being kawaii overload.
I get the “cuteness” aesthetic this girl was going for (it’s a biological female for sure, a trans female or a femboy would have been barfing pink all over the place), and while she didn’t necessarily do a terrible job there’s still a lot left to be desired here. Maybe the picture would have looked better with brighter lighting? The whole kawaii doesn’t really work without light.
However, there is an aesthetic that could work really well with what you have, and that’s an underwater theme.
Those jellyfish actually make pretty cool decor. I ordered a couple of them off AliExpress a while back, but they were kind of damaged (they’re made of a thin plastic) so I couldn’t use them. The ones I had also lit up, and I’m kind of surprised you didn’t turn yours on at least for the picture.
The bluish lighting also works in favor of an aquatic theme, but what really sells me on the idea is the fake plant you have. Replace that with some fake seaweed, throw in some fake coral and other aquatic plants, and you’d really have something nice that works way better than the cuteness thing.
I can’t award points based on what you could do though, so as it stands this battlestation isn’t that great. If you’re going for cuteness then you need a brighter setup. Either turn the room lights on or get more LEDs going so we can actually see the cuteness. I’ll award you a few points for not going overboard with it, but you’re right there at the cusp so exercise caution. I’ll also throw you some points for the Sailor Moon flag, you don’t see much representation for this classic magical girl anime anymore so it’s refreshing to see a young girl paying respect to one of the OGs of shoujo. And, as always, points awarded for the record player.
Ultimately, this battlestation just falls short. Either brighten it up or take advantage of what you currently have and go for an aquatic theme. 5/10, but only because you paid respect to Sailor Moon.
4. Airsoft Warrior
This shit is awesome.
My man has the Demon Slayer Hashira training arc going on his TV in front of a massive collection of guns. Yeah, they’re airsoft guns, but it’s the appearance that counts. Points awarded.
The lighting here is on point. We have a proper mix of pink and blue with optimal coverage. I’m not sure if that’s one of those UV posters under the TV, but the lighting makes it look really vibrant. The lighting behind his monitors seems kind of dark for my tastes, but maybe he prefers that so I won’t criticize this. Points awarded.
Points awarded for good poster placement. I’ve noticed that a lot of people have a habit of either overcrowding their walls with posters or leaving huge empty gaps, but this person has found a good balance that utilizes the available wall space without looking cluttered.
This is a really nice battlestation. Too bad it’s all ruined by the bong. 2/10, eat shit stoner trash.
…
Oh fine, 7/10.
5. Penis-Finding Devices
This one is kind of bland as far as 4chan setups go, and I actually had to double-check my records to make sure it didn’t really come from Reddit.
Some of you might notice that I flip-flop between using the words “battlestation” and “setup” to describe these. A battlestation is a setup, but not all setups are battlestations. This is a good example of a setup that isn’t a battlestation. A battlestation is usually more gamer-oriented, like the setup in the last picture. This looks like the setup of someone who doesn’t really spend too much time at his computer. Does he play games on it? Maybe. If this were a battlestation you wouldn’t need to ask if this person played games here, you would be able to tell just from looking at it.
It’s not ugly or anything, but it’s pretty unremarkable. The only reason I even bothered to include it is because the microscopes on the dresser caught my eye. I had a dick joke planned and everything, but now I’ll be damned if I can remember what it was.
I don’t really have much more to say about this setup. It looks bland, but at least it’s clean and orderly. Also, I see a little CRT TV with a Dreamcast and a SNES. I’ll award you a few points for retro gaming. You also have some Matchbox cars on display, though I can just barely see them because of the lighting. One of these days I’m going to get my old Hot Wheels and Matchbox cars from my parents and put them on display.
This setup gets a 6/10. It’s not good, but it’s not bad either. It’s clean and has at least some personality.
That’s it for now.
Our inbox and comments are always open, so feel free to submit your own battlestations and setups to us at [email protected], and maybe we’ll include them in a future article. If your setup was one of the ones featured in an article and you want to give us additional information, correct us, or even give us an update, drop us a line via email or in the comments.
We’ll be back in February with another Battlestation Review (better name pending). Unless of course someone (could it be YOU?!) submits a clever name for us to steal. In which case, we’ll be back in February with another “Whatever name we stole from our readers”.