This month’s journey into the AJnet Archives time machine: An unfinished article about internet forums!
Internet forums were a major part of my life as a teenager well into my 20’s. I’ve already talked about this extensively, to the tune of several articles over the last year, so I’m not going to keep waxing nostalgia over it.
You might find it strange that, as important as internet forums were to me in the early years, I never really wrote any articles about them until only recently. The numerous forums I frequented should have been gold mines of content for me. In a way they kind of were, because the discussions I had often inspired me to write articles. But I never actually published any articles dedicated entirely to the subject of internet forums (TROLLED! doesn’t count).
I did, however, start writing one. For reasons that, as always, probably involved booze, drugs, women, or some combination of the three, I never finished this article, titled “Angry_Jerk’s Guide to Internet Forums”. File information tells me that I started this in December of 2007, and it may even be the earliest unfinished article I have for the site. It’s also technically the very first article in my “AJ’s Guide To…” series, even though the first article in the series that I actually published was “AJ’s Guide To Girls” in June of 2008.
“Angry_Jerk’s Guide to Internet Forums” was about the kind of people you’d find posting on different internet forums, and for all intents and purposes was mostly just a thinly-veiled rant directed at certain people who annoyed me on the forums I hung out at. I split the article between moderated forums and unmoderated forums.
Moderated forums usually had some decorum associated with them, and were good places to go if you wanted a serious discussion without having to deal with trolls and shitposts. While you could also have serious discussions on an unmoderated forum, those forums were generally a bit more laid back, and serious discussions and debates often degenerated into name-calling, sarcasm, and pointless insults.
Unmoderated forums were great for making friends, talking shit, and blowing off steam, but not so great if you wanted to, for example, discuss the merits of Kantianism. While someone on a moderated forum would have refuted Kantianism in great detail with sources and facts, a user of an unmoderated forum would have most likely summed their entire argument up as “Kant was a faggot and so are you, dickhead.”
Both kinds of forums had their own strengths and weaknesses, and that’s what I was trying to convey with this article. You’ll notice that some of these descriptions seem oddly specific. When writing about these various types of people, I almost always had a particular person in mind. Hence, the article essentially being a thinly-veiled rant against those people.
This is “Angry_Jerk’s Guide To Internet Forums”, originally started in December of 2007 and never finished.
I have no life. When I’m not at work, I’m at home surfing the internet and posting on webforums. There’s not much else to do when you don’t have friends. But that’s voluntary. I hate almost everyone I come in contact with. Hell, the one friend I do have gets on my nerves. But I tolerate him enough to hang out with him once a week.
There are two types of webforums on the internet: Moderated and Unmoderated. For the purpose of this article, a moderated forum is more of a serious discussion forum, and an unmoderated forum is for random shit. Both of these forums host a variety of stereotypical people. I will attempt to catelogue these folks here today. We also assume that said forum is active, active meaning at least 10 or more regular posters
Moderated Forum
Nazi Moderator- This is a given at any moderated forum. Basically, this guy deletes anything he doesn’t like, then when you question him, he threatens to ban you for it. Excuses include “Let the mods do their job” or “A lot goes on behind the scenes that you don’t know about.” Is also known for banning people who publically stand up to him. Depending on how long the forum has existed, this guy will probably have over 5,000 posts and been a regular poster for at least a few years. People tend to fellate him on every post he makes, but usually it’s only because they’re afraid of getting banned.
The Know-It All College Student- Usually some 20 year old who thinks he’s smarter than everyone because he’s in college. Almost always majors in Math or Psychology. Makes a point to fully type out words, for example “Can’t” becomes “Cannot.” Also goes out of his way to use “big” words to wow people. Probably the most pompous of the group. More than likely British.
The Back-Seat Moderator- Most of the time, this person is someone who’s been there as long as the head moderator. This person (can be a woman) has asked the admins several times to be a moderator, but gets turned down because he/she is a douchebag and nobody likes them. They’ll usually report everything you do wrong to the real moderators. Can be a threat, but don’t be afraid to put them in their place once in a while.
The Long-Time Member- This person’s been around for almost as long as the forum has existed. Usually well-respected, although sometimes this person doesn’t deserve the respect. When a moderator is needed, other members will nominate this person, but he/she will turn it down in an attempt to look humble. Like the Nazi Moderator, people tend to fellate this person on every post he/she makes.
The “Skeptic”- This person disagrees with every single post anyone makes. They almost always have some kind of college degree, or have lived abroad, making them an “expert” on other cultures. Gets offended when you make a politically incorrect remark. If you have statistics to back up your remark, the person will then try to attack the source of the stats by pointing out it’s not a mainstream source (i.e. government-controlled CNN, MSNBC, or ABC). When you do show an “official” source, this person will give some excuse about how something trivial wasn’t taken into account when the statistics were made. In short, this person is booksmart, but is still a fucking twit.
The Rebel- This is usually me. This person is used to posting at unmoderated forums, and tends to draw disapproval from members of moderated forums. Usually tiptoes over the line enough to annoy the Nazi Moderator, but not enough to warrant a ban. Almost always has a controversial view on touchy subjects, which annoys everyone else. Usually gets yelled at for flaming people. Very often uses sarcasm in a debate, causing some people to discredit what he says. Is also an avid internet user.
The Defender of Jews- This profile is usually synonymous with other profiles, save for the Rebel. If anyone disagrees with something Israel does or says, this person will be the first to call them a Nazi lover. Ironically, this person usually shows hatred for Islam, complete with every quote from the Koran advocating violence. When you point out quotes from the Bible of the same nature, they ALWAYS find a reason to discredit them, then cite the fact that Christians or Jews haven’t killed anyone in centuries. The Crusades happened a long time ago, as did the Salem Witch Trials and the genocide of the Native Americans. Oh, and the Inquisitions weren’t really sanctioned by the church. Also, did you know the Arabs supported the Nazis? We should wipe out all those fucking sand niggers. HOW DARE THEY HATE ISRAEL! Israel had their land stolen 2,000 years ago, so it’s okay to steal the land from some camel jockeys who had nothing to do with it. I’d better stop writing about this person. They annoy me.
The Conspiracy Nut- This is the guy who gives the 9/11 Truth Movement (i.e. a domestic terrorist organization, according to Congress) a bad name. Seriously believes the shape-shifting Reptilians/Jews control everything. Almost always is a religious whacko. If people like this guy didn’t exist, others wouldn’t hate me for suggesting the existance of the Illuminati (who aren’t all Jews, believe it or not). And for those of you who want to know, I do believe it is possible that some dinosaurs were smart enough to have moved underground before the asteroid hit, and later evolved into humanoid-like creatures. However, I highly doubt they can shape-shift, or they control the world. As for aliens, yeah, it makes sense that the government would be in contact with them and not want to tell us. But I don’t think Dick Cheney is a Reptilian space alien like Diana from the 80’s miniseries V:
I won’t lie. I’d fuck her even if I knew she was a Visitor.
The Moron- This person can be male or female. Most of the posts this person makes are either a) all caps, b) littered with useless smilies, or c) completely unintellegible. I know it’s the internet and all, but how fucking hard is it to spell out words and use basic punctuation? You’d have to have the IQ of a tree stump not to be able to do that. Either that or a mental disablility, which is a legit reason. Excessively refers to people as “mate.” Has made at least one thread asking how to become a moderator. The Moron has been known to be convergent with the Conspiracy Nut.
Unmoderated Forum
The Jerk-Off Moderator- The Unmoderated Forum equivalent of the Nazi Mod, the Jerk-Off Mod is the only moderator who actually bans people or deletes posts. While people defend him publically, they secretly hate him, and will discuss this amongst themselves over AIM or MSN.
The Drug Addict- This person always brags about being high or drunk. Even though this is a trait commonly found amongst high school kids, an alarming number of 20-and-ups fit this profile. If you’re considering trying a drug, go to this person for all the info you could ever want.
The Cool Guy- This is the guy everyone loves, usually for no real reason. When you’re arguing with someone, your best bet is to hope that the Cool Guy takes your side. If he takes the other guy’s side, you might as well admit you’re wrong, because nobody will agree with you. A common trait of this person is the ability to write out 6 paragraph flames on one line of text somebody wrote. Insults usually consist of pointing out the insultee’s weight, taste in women (no woman is ever good-looking enough for the Cool Guy), or some trivial comment the insultee made half a year ago. Constantly makes fun of nerds, despite the fact that he’s a regular poster on an internet forum. Usually has one fanboy who constantly fellates him after every post.
The Female- Very rarely will females post on an unmoderated forum, and for good reason. Whenever she posts a picture of herself, guys will ALWAYS say one of two things: 1. “OMG UR SO HOT!!!!!!” 2. “UR UGLY! LOOK AT YOUR (minor flaw in appearance that you can hardly notice; always pointed out by Cool Guy)!” Guys will commonly make jokes about the female being on her period, or posting pictures of her boobs. Whenever one guy flames her, the other guys will come to her rescue in an act of e-chivilary, unless the Cool Guy is the one flaming her, in which case everyone will gang up on her in an epic display of internet faggotry.
The 4chan Idiot- I’ll admit that some of the memes that come out of 4chan make me LOL, but when you go into overkill with it
I’m about 99% sure that sentence would have ended with “it gets very fucking old very fucking fast”. To be honest, I have no idea why I stopped so many articles mid-sentence.
There’s a lot to unpack here.
I have no idea why I said I had only one friend. I had plenty of friends, I was going to parties at Rutgers at least twice a week. Also, that one friend who “got on my nerves” was my good friend Pyri, who I’ve mentioned several times on here. Pyri passed away in 2020, and every time I reread old stuff I’m appalled at just how mean I was towards him sometimes. I’d give anything to have that fat Jew bastard get on my nerves again. Miss you buddy.
The guy who inspired the “Nazi moderator” part ended up being part of a child sex trafficking ring in Scotland, and was busted some time in 2020. As much of a dick as that guy was, I honestly didn’t see that one coming.
For some reason, I ran into a lot of British college students, and most of them came across as pompous know-it-alls. In the interest of fairness towards our British readers, I’ll chalk that one up to bad luck.
The woman who was the “backseat moderator” actually ended up becoming a moderator at the forum we were on. 15 years later, I returned to that forum and ended up becoming a moderator myself. As it turns out, I was a bit of an asshole, and the “backseat moderator” was actually pretty cool once I grew up and got to know her better. She’s no longer a moderator there, having stepped down to focus on her own projects, but I do still talk to her every now and then.
I’m actually not sure who the “long time member” was, but chances are this was just another instance of me being a pointless asshole.
“The skeptic” was based off of several different people. This type of person was, and still is, very common at serious discussion forums, particularly in the field of ufology and the paranormal. While I understand wanting to see concrete evidence before believing in something, some people just have their heads so far up their own asses that no proof is ever enough for them to even consider the possibility that they may be wrong. If aliens landed on the White House lawn then got out and did a line dance, these are the people who would still deny it even after seeing it with their own eyes. These are also the same people who probably grew up to have white savior complexes and post on Reddit.
“The rebel” is me, as I said in the article. I’m really not sure how I lasted so long on some of those serious discussion forums.
“The defender of Jews” was based off of two people, and is something you don’t really see online anymore. In the wake of 9/11, there was massive hate towards Arabs and Muslims. Which naturally meant that there was an increase in support for Israel and the Jews. I’ve never been a supporter of Israel, and I’ve never had any qualms about saying that. Somehow being against Israel was (and still is depending on who you ask) considered equal to antisemitism. Antisemitic my ass. I’ve had dinner at a Hasidic rabbi’s house and worn a guest yarmulke (one of the best dinner parties I’ve ever went to btw), three of my best friends were Jewish, and I’ve even dated several Jewish women over the years. Anyone who genuinely thinks I’m antisemitic doesn’t actually know me. But if you don’t support Israel’s overreactive wholesale genocide in Palestine none of that matters and you’re just a filthy Nazi antisemite who hates all Jewish people everywhere. Though I’ve grown a bit more civil over the years, people like this still really piss me off (if you couldn’t tell from my tangent).
“The conspiracy nut” was also based off of several people. Nowadays many conspiracy theorists seem to believe in stuff that would have been considered fringe back when this was written, but it wasn’t always like this. There was actually a time when the average conspiracy theorist was, for the most part, a levelheaded well-meaning person who just had questions about official stories. Nowadays it feels like everybody and their mother is promoting the idea of shape-shifting Reptilian Jews ruling the Earth from the shadows. And if they’re not spouting that bullshit, they’re claiming that they’re star children. Society has become collectively mentally ill, it makes me sad.
“The moron” was referencing one person in particular, and looking back on it I feel genuinely bad because they were actually a nice person, while I was so hell-bent on being an angry jerk that them being nice was enough to provoke my ire.
I’m not quite sure who the “jerk-off moderator” was, I don’t remember anyone who actually fit that description on an unmoderated forum. I guess this was just me making shit up.
I’m also not sure what my problem was with the “drug addict”, considering I was usually the one posting under the influence.
I know exactly who the “cool guy” was referencing, and he was just as big of a dick as I made him out to be. However, the part that I neglected to mention in the article was that I brought on a lot of it myself by the way I acted. I was always out to piss someone off, and sometimes I’d piss off someone who was better at dishing it out than I was taking it. The “cool guy” went too far more than once, but it wasn’t unprovoked, and I won’t pretend that I didn’t deserve it at least some of the time. I hold no grudge against him, and I’m not sure if he still follows this site but if he does I hope you’ve forgiven me for being an immature retarded dick, Mark.
A lot of the younger generation will never understand just how male-dominated the internet was. Nowadays there’s plenty of women on the internet (the number depends on your definition of a “woman”), but in my younger years it wasn’t as common. In fact, Rule 30 of the internet was “There are no girls on the internet”. Every now and then though, you’d get a stray (biological) female or two that would find her way to an unmoderated forum. Some of them were cool, but others were straight up attention whores, treating the forum like an early version of Instagram. My policy towards most thots and attention whores has generally been to ignore them (or in the case of a previous job, repeatedly disparage them and almost get into a fistfight with several guys over it), but some guys would take the bait and give them attention, while others would overcorrect to the point where every woman who posted was considered an ugly attention whore even when they weren’t. The stereotype I depicted with my description of the “female” definitely rang true quite often, though I’ll admit I was sometimes guilty of being unfair and misogynistic with my criticisms of female posters.
I don’t remember who the “4chan idiot” was exactly, but I definitely remember someone who constantly regurgitated crap from there, and it was pretty annoying after a while. I was more of a YTMND and Encyclopedia Dramatica guy myself.
I always enjoy rereading old articles like this, because it shows you just how much the landscape of the internet has really changed. I always wonder if it’s actually getting worse or if I’m just becoming a stubborn old man that’s set in my ways. This was written in late 2007, about 17 years ago. In that time children have not only been born, but have practically become adults with the right to vote. The babies who were born when I wrote this are the ones now posting online and making observations about the world around them from perspectives that are hard for me to relate to because of my own past experiences.
Anyway, for next month’s AJnet Archives article, I think I’ll talk about a parody I did of another ranter’s website in 2009.