Santa Claus is one of the largest lies in modern history!
Season’s greetings, Truth Troopers, and a very merry Christmas! As always, I’m Alex Jonestown, Friend of Freedom, Debunker of Deceit, and Five Star General of the Truth Troopers.
’tis the season, Troopers! ’tis the season for hot cocoa, Christmas carols, and gift gifting.
And today, ol’ Jonesy’s gonna give you the greatest gift of all: The Truth™!
We all know the story of Santa Claus, that big jolly guy in the red suit who flies around the entire world in one night and delivers presents to all the good little boys and girls. We all know that story because it was hammered into our skulls the moment we knew what was going on in this crazy world. I remember Mama Jonestown telling us boys “You’d better behave yourselves now, or Santa isn’t stopping at our house this year!” And, by God, that put the fear of God right into little five year old Alex!
But then I got smart and realized that Mama Jonestown was pulling a fast one. There was no Santa Claus, there’s no fat old man in red flying around the world like Superman bringing kids toys, and the only one who could see everything bad we did was Jesus. Santa Claus was a lie! Boy was I sure of myself. I knew the truth that some of the other boys didn’t.
I didn’t know shit.
Troopers, I was so confident about the “truth” that I overlooked the Truth™. Arrogance can blind even a man, and sure as shit it can blind a young boy too.
“What the hell are you trying to say Jonesy? Stop beating around the bush and just spit it out already!”
I’ll cut right to the chase, folks: Santa Claus is real.
I know, I know. You’re probably sitting there telling yourself “Jesus H. Christ, Jonesy’s really lost his damn marbles, spouting some steaming load of bull crap about Santa Claus being real.”
Readers, when have I ever steered you wrong? As the captain of the SS Truth™, as the conductor of the Truth™ Train, as a Christian and a goddamn proud Texan, I give you my word that what I’m saying is the Truth™, the whole Truth™, and nothing but the Truth™, so help me God! If I’m lying about Santa Claus being real, then strike me down now Lord and don’t let me complete this article!
Well would you look at that, ol’ Jonesy’s still here!
In the spirit of Christmas, I’ll forgive you for doubting my boisterous claim that Santa Claus is real. I almost didn’t believe it myself when I first learned about it from my longtime friend and fellow freedom fighter David Thicke.
I remember that conversation like it was yesterday. During a commercial break we got to talking about Christmas shopping, and David turns to me, and he says “Alex, you know Santa’s real, right?”
Now, David’s a little bit out there, so I take what he says with just a dash of salt. He saw the look of skepticism on this handsome face and laid the cards on the table for me.
“It’s actually quite simple Alex,” he explained. “He’s got that sleigh of his, I don’t know what it is exactly but it sure as hell wasn’t made here. That sleigh, it’s fast enough to fly around the whole world in one night. Nothing we have here on Earth can do that, Alex. Santa Claus, he’s real, he’s flying around up there in his sleigh watching kids, and he’s bringing them gifts every year.”
Just who in the hell was this Santa guy flying around in that fast sleigh? I asked David this, and he laughed that dry little laugh of his.
“‘Who in the hell’ is right, Alex. It’s the devil. Santa Claus is the devil.”
“Bullshit Dave, quit pulling my leg.”
“No no Alex, I swear on my dear mum. It’s all very obvious when you think about it though, isn’t it? A big red guy going around bearing gifts. Who’s that sound like? Now I’m no priest, Alex, but that sounds a lot like the devil.”
David gave me his trademark grin, that grin he wears when he knows something, the grin of a man about to drop an atomic Truth™ bomb.
“I mean, ‘Santa’ is just ‘Satan’ with a few letters rearranged.”
Son of a bitch! When David’s right, he’s right!
It was right there all along. The devil is in the details, and the devil is in a sleigh miles above the Earth watching our children and tempting them with gifts! Satan himself is passing judgment on our children, and that slippery snake, that crafty conniver, he’s hijacked the birthday of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to do it!
Now I know what you’re thinking here. You’re thinking “Jonesy, if Satan is flying around watching our kids, why isn’t the government doing anything about it? Are they in on it too?”
OF COURSE THEY’RE IN ON IT!
In fact, NORAD tracks the son of a bitch every December! NORAD, the military organization that’s responsible for keeping us safe from the commies, they track Santa Claus every year. If Santa Claus isn’t real then why does NORAD have an entire website dedicated to tracking him? Folks, this is the military industrial complex, they’re not going to waste taxpayer dollars tracking some imaginary fat guy in the sky. Just what does NORAD know that we don’t?
Once you open your eyes and catch a glimpse of the Truth™ the rest falls right into place, Troopers! Santa Claus is the damn dirty devil, he’s judging our children and giving them presents, the government knows about it and they’re powerless to stop him! Most people are so afraid of the Truth™ that it’s easier for them to just bury their heads in the sand, perpetuate the cover-up, and collectively agree that Santa Claus “isn’t real”.
Well I don’t know about you readers, but I’m not going to continue playing their game! I’m not going to stick my head up my ass and pretend that Satan himself isn’t flying around up there trying to steal the souls of our children with his trickery. I’m not going to pretend that the government has no idea this is going on when they have an entire goddamn website showing us the evil bastard’s every move! I’m not going to pretend that Santa Claus isn’t real!
Santa Claus is very real, he’s very evil, and he’s claiming the souls of your children. Wake the hell up and do something about it!