Chris Chan managed to get a woman pregnant. No, it wasn’t his mom.
What a time to be alive, folks.
Legendary internet lolcow Christian Christine Weston Chandler, aka the notorious Chris Chan, aka “Google his name if you want to go down a rabbit hole of nightmare fuel”, has somehow impregnated a woman.
After almost two decades, Chris’s love quest has finally come to an end. All the haters like Mary Lee Walsh, Clyde Cash, the Jerkops, and the man in the pickle suit were wrong. Chris Chan has not only managed to find love, but he’s also created life and passed on his genetic legacy, bringing forth an heir to the mighty kingdom of CWCville.
I haven’t really followed Chris Chan since 2010, and everything I’ve heard about him after that has only been bits and pieces, like him transitioning and getting arrested for raping his own mother. But this recent news has me in shock.
Apparently this is him with his girlfriend, “Flutter”:
Here’s what we know about Flutter so far. And by that, I mean here’s some shit I read on /pol/ that may or may not be true but I’m going to repeat anyway to pad my word count (hey, it’s good enough for CNN and other media outlets):
- Despite looking like she’s eight, Flutter is actually in her 30’s.
- She comes from Finland.
- She’s autistic too.
- Flutter and Chris may move to Finland to raise the kid there. This puts them in danger of an attack from Russia.
- They may stay in America and raise the kid here. This also puts them in danger of an attack from Russia. Seriously Biden, what the fuck are you doing? You’re playing with nuclear hellfire, you damn lunatic.
- Child Protective Services may decide to take the kid from them. This puts the kid in danger of becoming products of our terrible foster system.
- I’m writing this the night before Thanksgiving and I’m fairly drunk right now.
Incels everywhere are on suicide watch now trying in vain to cope with the fact that even Chris Chan managed to land a girl and get her pregnant before them. “I-it’s j-just because he’s f-famous!” “Women wanted to fuck Ted Bundy too!” I hope none of these people work on farms, because the salt from their tears will destroy our crops and render the land barren and unable to produce anything. Unlike Chris Chan, who has managed to plant his seed and produce life.
Which reminds me, how the fuck did that even work? I’ve seen Chris’s dick, he’s got Peyronie’s Disease. The man could probably piss around a corner. I know that Peyronie’s doesn’t make you infertile, but it definitely makes sex painful for both parties. Plus he’s like three times her size. That’s gotta be uncomfortable as fuck for her (in addition to the obvious fact that she’s banging Chris Chan, of course). Not to mention that Chris supposedly underwent hormone replacement therapy during transition, which can render you sterile.
The baby is due in the summer, which means the pregnancy just happened, and we’ve got a ways to go before we find out fun things like gender or possible names. I would like to offer my suggestion of “Bezequille” no matter what the gender.
In any case, I want to give props to my main man Chris Chan for sticking it to all the dang dirty trolls and haters by sticking a baby in this Flutter chick, who I sincerely hope is really older than she looks. Fuck it we ballin.
No but seriously, this is definitely a sign that the End Times are upon us and we should probably all repent. Glory to God, Christ is king.