Guys, you’re better off with no friends! Lose those losers!
Howdy readers!
Wait, I can’t say that, that’s Alex’s thing.
Hola amigos!
Shit, that’s Juan’s thing.
Whatever, none of that matters right now. This is a real emergency! Your pal Frosty is out of beer! It’s a beer-tastrophy! A beer-mergency! A case-crisis (case-is?)!
I tried calling the Beerbulance for help:
As it turns out, the Beerbulance is only in Atlanta, and they ain’t driving all the way up north to bring your boy some brews!
As it also turns out, I don’t have any friends to call on to help me get more beer! Oh yes, I can call them, but they DON’T ANSWER THEIR FUCKING PHONES! Not a single one of those lousy no-good rotten scumbags were there for me in my time of need!
Speaking of need, I need another beer. Be right back! Beer right back!
At least, that’s what I WOULD say, if I HAD ANY GODDAMN BEER!! But I don’t have any beer, because apparently I don’t have any friends either!
But you know what? Chicken butt! You know what else? Jingle bells!
Shit, Christmas is next month isn’t it? I screwed up again. This is what happens when a guy runs out of beer and doesn’t have anyone to take him to get some more!
That’s fine though, ol’ Frosty Mugg doesn’t need friends! Friends are dead ends! In fact, here’s a list of reasons why having NO friends is great and doesn’t suck at all and I don’t really care that none of you jabronis didn’t answer the phone because you didn’t smell what the Rock is cooking!
1. More beer for me!
Tired of freeloaders giving you the old moochie-mooch? I sure am! Any time any of these creeps come over it’s “Frosty, let me get a beer!” How about you get your own damn beer and stop bumming mine!
But now that I have no friends, that means that now I have no freeloaders. I also have no beer right now, but my luck’s already changing so it’s only a matter of time now!
2. No more nagging!
No friends means no nagging!
Every time I take a trip to the bar counter to have Barty Barry Barney whatever the hell his name is give me another mug of the cold and gold stuff, I also take another trip: A guilt trip!
My friends are always trying to make me feel bad about drinking, telling me that I’ve already had too much, I should slow down, I’d better not puke in their car again, all that beer isn’t good for my health. You know what else isn’t good for your health? I do! It’s STRESS! You know what causes stress? Nagging me about drinking! It’s enough to drive a man to drink.
That is, if I had any beer left!
3. I don’t have to remember birthdays!
There’s only so much space in the attic, folks!
Carl at the AJnet office always says that our brains are like computers. He also helped me fix my computer once by deleting a bunch of stuff I didn’t need, so I think the man knows what he’s talking about!
By having no friends you free up valuable space in your brain because now you don’t have to remember things like when their birthdays are. If you have a lot of friends, that’s a lot of real estate being taken up upstairs for something that doesn’t even benefit you. Why do I have to buy you a gift? It’s not MY fault that you were born!
If you don’t have friends, then you don’t have to remember any birthdays. That means you have more space free in your head and your computer will run faster. Then you can use your computer to order more beer.
Not me though, I’m banned from Gopuff. Apparently SOME PEOPLE (the idiots who run Gopuff!!) think it’s “belligerent” to yell at a delivery person who drops glass bottles on the sidewalk! Well I think it’s belligerent to drop glass bottles on the sidewalk, so put that in your mug and drink it you stupid jerks!
4. Having no friends really sucks.
I don’t know why I said it doesn’t suck. I need more beer and nobody will answer their phones to take me.
And that sucks!
5. Fuck this, I’m going to walk!
I guess I’m WALKING to the beer distributor! I hope I don’t get beat up or shot or abducted by aliens!
Angry_Jerk